Didn't I know you once

Didn't I know you once
When you needed help

Didn't I know you once
When you had your hand out

Didn't I know you once
When you said we were friends

Didn't I know you once
When you said you wouldn't forget

Didn't I know you once
When we clung to each other

Didn't I know you once
When we cried together

Didn't I know you once
When we were like sister and brother

Didn't I know you once
When we were lovers

Keep looking away
But I knew you once

The Donut

See the clouds part

As we make our way down

See the sun shine

Soon be on the ground

Another chance to start over

Another chance to say no more

Another chance to live

Another chance to love

See the hills

As we sail by

See the blue sky

All waiting

Another chance to try again

Another chance to live some more

Another chance to forgive

Another chance to be forgiven

See the donut that says I’m home

The traffic that I’ll have to fight through

See the endless possibilities

They’re there if I look for them.

Do it to myself*

On a plane

Looking at the mountains below

Feeling so empty

Wondering where my life will go

It’s more than half over now

Not much to show

See friends married with kids

I’m still alone

I do it to myself

Afraid to love

I do it to myself

Afraid to live

I do it to myself

Afraid to give

I do it myself

Afraid to open

I do it to myself

Afraid of everything

Come Christmas and New Years I’ll be alone

Lost in my empty world clinging to what I don’t know

And I did it to myself.

*I'm not this depressed. Wrote this while doing some soul searching that was helpful.

Dad

Wish you still here

Would like just a little more time

Even a day

You didn’t want me when I needed you

I didn’t want you when you needed me

Missed opportunities

Closed doors

I’d like one day

I’d be different

You’d be different

Wish I knew who you became

Instead of being stuck on who you were

You changed

I didn’t

I’m sorry.

Alive

Rambler's alive.

Just thought I'd put that out there if anyone is wondering.

I know I've said that before so I understand if you don't believe me.

But really I'm here. There's a person here. He's lonely, a little scared, plenty angry and getting old.

But he can still kick your ass with his words. Cut you down to nothing with a glance.

OK, just a little machismo there. I am older, but I run farther and faster than I did ten years ago. I box once a week. I'm as slim as I've been in 20 years. The hair is hanging in there.

I wish I could tell you I've got some new stories to tell you. I don't. I'm single again. It's tough. My mom is nearing the end, It's sad. There's a lot of turmoil at work. I'm back in therapy.

Skinny and Fluff are still here! RGIII has me believing.

I'm headed to New York for a few days. You can find me at the usual spots.

I know no one comes here to read anymore so consider this a silent scream.

I'm alive.

Now come find me.

Less Than Whole

Protector turned captor
Held hostage by the one you trust
Didn't know what was right or wrong
Only knew not to make a sound

Took innocence that day
Left shattered and confused
Thought they cared
Instead they used

Wasn't supposed to happen here
Behind those big walls and beautiful gardens
The best teaching the best
Instead they left you for dead

All these years later, it never fades
Can try to drown it with booze
Shoot it full of junk
But the scars are as fresh as if it were yesterday

Some carry it on their backs
Others push it into a dark corner
Then there are those that pass it on
And those who decide it's best just to go

Those wounds don't easily heal
They eat at you every day
Keeping you from the world
Keeping you less than whole

Father's Day

Father's Day
Another one come and gone
Wish things had been different
By the time you became a good dad
I was a bad son

I'm not mad anymore
It was what it was
You weren't the best
But you were far from the worst

Used my anger and pain to get pretty far
Eventually it turned on me too
It always does
Can only fool yourself for so long
I'd rather you were still here

I'm not mad anymore
It's on me not you
I wasn't the best
But I was far from the worst

Wish I had memories of playing ball
Of enjoying a cold beer on a hot day
Maybe washing the car or buying a suit
Teaching me to swim
Or just having you stand by me

That didn't happen
And if it did I'd be someone else
Maybe that guy would be different
He wouldn't be me

Almost two years since you left
Cleaned up a lot of the mess before that August morning
If we hadn't, I couldn't sit here tonight
I'd be back in some bar drinking at you
Glad I lost my taste for it

Wish you were still here
Maybe it wasn't too late
Could have tried again
At least it's not an open wound anymore

Coffee and Scones

Where'd my corner go
The liquor store's gone too
Little kids in the park
And it's after dark
Where's the guy with the magic hat
Always there to get my ticket stamped

Shaw, Petworth, Logan, Thomas
Soon won't scare no one no more
Columbia Heights has no place to score
H Street has little boutiques
And it's all clean on the U Street corridor
Just coffee shops and scones

It's all progress, it's all for the better
But what about the good people
Who got chased out with the bad
No one fixed the pot holes for them
The garbage cans stayed filled
The snow left unplowed

Chased out all the crime
Scared away the sinners
But the saints got the shove too
To make room for me and you
And our coffee shops and scones
Maybe they'd have liked that too

Come With Me Tonight

Come with me tonight
Leave him in the car
Come with me tonight
Leave him in the bar

We can run down this alley
We can hop the one back to the city
We don't need to be here
We don't need to be there

Come with me tonight
Leave him in your bedroom
Come with me tonight
He can come by himself

We can go up to my roof
Stare at the stars and dream
We can lie on the fire escape
Give the neighbors a show

Come with me tonight
He'll still be there tomorrow
Come with me tonight
Let's forget the sorrow

We can go to the Dive
Lock ourselves in the bathroom
We can hide in the park
Make the cops chase us in the dark

Come with me tonight
He won't know your gone
Come with me tonight
Leave him with his toys

We can ride the trains until dawn
Read the tabloids and chase rats
We can watch the sun rise above the bridge
And forget everything that happened before

Come with me tonight

Junkie Love

Walking down Avenue A
Pushers and users all around
Alone in their world looking for peace
Don't need anything but that moment

Tomorrow never comes around here
No daylight to duck from, just a past to run from
Disappear here and lose yourself
Nod off as the hours pass

Look for anyone to share
So much better to have someone to have
Take each other's blood and poison
No love like junkie love

In the day scrape on by
Turning tricks and telling lies
Whatever has to be done before the run
Hide the holes with your sleeves

Forgotten down here
No one looks
Forgotten down here
No one comes
Forgotten down here
No need to run
Forgotten down here
Until its too late

Didn't wake up today
Just wanted one more moment
She takes the rest, shuts my eyes
And off to find her next man

No love like junkie love

A Full Hour

"She took something again. This time it was a hair brush."

"Why do you think she does that," he asked looking up from his notebook.

"I have no idea. Last time it was my metro card. Now she has my finger prints and my hair. Maybe I'm being set up," I said laughing while glancing out the window facing 9th Street.

"Perhaps you could ask her about it or tell her you understand that she has a compulsion to take something and suggest that you both figure out what it will be ahead of time."

"Jesus Christ. Is this what I'm paying you $200 an hour for? You want me to tell the hooker I pay to come over and dig her stilettos into my thighs and fuck me, a girl who probably has some serious mental issues and lots of rage just below the surface, that I'm aware she's stealing and I want to discuss it with her?"

"Well, when you put it that way..." he said adjusting his glasses and leaning back on his chair.

"Man, why don't I just put a knife on the kitchen table and ask her to plunge it in me? I'm pretty sure that's what'll happen when I accuse the girl who sells her body to me of being a thief," I said looking at my watch hoping we were nearing the finish line.

"Well, what are you going to do about it then," he said.

"Keep hiding the important stuff and leave out stupid shit for her to take. It's hard to find a good escort. I'm not going to get rid of her just because she's a kleptomaniac," I said.

"What if you didn't engage in this behavior?"

"Other than having a few more bucks for these sessions, I'm not sure what that would get me. And frankly, I feel better when I'm done with her than I do when I'm done with you" I said, grabbing my sunglasses and lighting a cigarette as I walked out of his office.

It was true. She only cost $200 more but at least it was a full hour and I get to cum in the end. If I could get insurance to kick back 50% I'd really be in good shape.

Change Paths

My mom is getting old. Not older, old.
I worry about her. She's alone.
We take care of her financially but asking and accepting help is very hard for her.
Now you know where I get it from.

Somehow she filled us with the idea that being vulnerable is bad. It wasn't conscious on her part but nonetheless that was the message that got through. It's why I tend to chase away the people who are nicest to me.

But I'm not talking about me. My mom has a lot of negative energy. It's tough to talk to her. So much bitterness sometimes. I used to think my dad was the bitter angry one but now I see it was her. He stopped being angry when their marriage ended. Go figure.

I love my mom. But I also know I don't want to make the same mistakes and have the same anger.
Guess I better be careful then because that is the path I'm on.

I'm getting older too

I'm sitting here listening to Stevie Nicks singing "Landslide."


"I'm getting older too."


And I am. Running out of time to figure out what I want. Afraid that by the time I figure it out it'll be too late and I'll be alone for good.


Don't know what made me so afraid of life. Can only look back and point fingers for so long. At some point it doesn't matter anymore. Those reasons won't seem so important alone in the dark. Those people will be faded into dust.


And it's on me anyway. I can have anything I want if I'm want it. If I want to write a book I can write a book. And if I don't. If I want to waste my days and nights in some world that doesn't exist then that's what I'll get in the end -- a non-existance.


A co-worker's brother was murdered today. A guy I know in the business dropped dead of a heart attack the other day. Our time here is limited. And if I'm going to spend it obsessing about the past or dreaming of the future ... well then I'm pissing on the present, as anyone whose spent a day in the rooms knows.


Speaking of the rooms. All this is at least hammering home the need to stay close. A guy I know went out last week. I'm not going to comment on what I thought of his sobriety or program, the point is he forgot the basics and paid the price. Hopefully he'll get it next time.


My favorite meeting is going through a transition. Always a moody meeting, it has shrunk lately. Most of the regulars are gone. I feel like I'm keeping the light on for them. I don't mind. That room is the one place in L.A. AA where I feel truly comfortable and if one day it's me and my shadow there, those walls will keep me sober for the day.


I wish I liked the recovery out here more but I think most of it is bullshit. Fortunately I had wise teachers who told me to focus on what I need from it and take it. I can get resentments against the people in the rooms, just not the rooms themselves.


Didn't mean to turn this into another one of those posts. The truth is I just wanted to write something before I went to bed. Figure if I can just push the rock a little each day then maybe it will move a few feet up the mountain.


"Time makes you bolder."

Let It Go

Can learn to do so many things. Get through the days. Somehow survive the nights. But still don't know how to like me. And if I can't do that I won't have you. Coming up on a half century on this planet And I still torture myself more than anyone else. Keep putting up walls that only hurt myself. Keep hiding from the light and avoiding the sun. Mad at the world for hating myself. Never let myself have any fun. Maybe when I'm alone. When I've got nowhere else to run. I'll drop down. And let it all go.

Chasing Them Away

No one to make eggs for. No one to pour coffee for. No one to watch Reliable Sources with. No one to not laugh at SNL with. Never learning, always running. Never climbing, always falling. Big empty inside Just holes in a wall to remind me where I went wrong No one to put up with me. Keep chasing them all away.

Run Now

He lit a cigarette. Took a deep drag and let the smoke out slowly.
Suddenly all the tension that had been building for ten years disappeared in a second.
Tomorrow he could beat himself up.
But tonight he was going to disappear.

Growing Old

Growing old means obsessing about things that happened 30 years ago that meant nothing to you at the time but now seem like the key to every decision you ever made.

I didn't know when I was in my teens and early 20s bouncing back and forth between New York and Washington, D.C. that those memories would be so strong years later. I can't remember what I did last week, but I can tell you what I did every day in 1986.

I can tell you about the Amtrak trains. Roaming around Georgetown. Getting bombed in the East Village when it still was the East Village. I remember life had some meaning then and promise. Now it's just a compromise.

You can't call this a midlife crisis because I'm not planning on living until I'm 94. Just call it some ramblings from the back row.

Almost Time

Starting to realize there's something more to this game.
A life spent writing about other lives is no life.
Stuck bent over a computer all day.
With nothing but a little pay to show for it.

Almost at the point that I'd rather write for myself for free.
I'd rather use my words for my way.
Use my words and see if I can't make them pay.
Rather play that play.

Another year has gone by me.
Don't want to be 70 and full of regrets
Reading a bunch of old clips that didn't mean shit.
Better to take a shot at doing my thing.

Could fall flat on my face.
Rather do that than look back with shame.
At myself for all I didn't do.
And all the time I wasted.

Chasing someone else's life while wasting mine.