Supposed to feel

Left for good a year ago.
Held your hand as you took that last breath
Wish I'd said then what I still can't say now
I know you hurt
And your hurt became my hurt
Now you're free of that pain
And I have to find joy in that
As much as I wish you were still here
I was wrapped to tight to say
That I loved you
I hope you know

Supposed to feel something
That's what the doctor says
Can't numb out or chase it away
Just force the pain and live it
That's what real

I don't like real
Scared of feeling
Of looking and seeing
And believing
That there is some worth to all this
Something good in the end
Some relief