Saturday, July 29, 2017

Breaking chains


Don't wait to clean up the past 
If you do time will have the last laugh
There isn't a tomorrow when it comes to burying sorrow
And you'll be left with a full tank of gas
And no road out to follow

Pain and bitterness can only carry you so long
Sooner or later it loses its bite
And turns into sadness and tears
That will destroy you if you don't make it right
Your soul stuck in permanent midnight

After awhile it doesn't matter who did what to whom
Who was the perpetrator and who was the victim
You end up playing both roles every night
Chained to a stage and screaming with rage
To an empty theater with blown out lights

As the years go by and people die
You run out of things to run from
And when you finally decide to turn around
To face everything you think kept you down
There aren't even ghosts in this empty town

It's just you, alone in your head
No one hearing your screams
Suddenly none of it matters any more
The fight's gone out of you 
You're nothing but soar. 

Time to get off this lonely road
Before it opens up and swallows you whole
Find the moments that matter 
Let everything you think keeps you together scatter 
And rise out of that hole that is your bloody soul


Friday, July 21, 2017

Life Lessons

The problem with taking in a broken bird, helping it heal and teaching it to fly is eventually it craps on your head and flies out the window.

Tuesday, June 20, 2017

Stolen Love

It was a moment of stolen love
A glance from across a room
An acknowledgement of what once was
Until you decided to change the tune

Thought we were on the same page
Shared the same hopes and dreams
But when you got free of your cage
It turned out nothing was what it seemed

No one is to blame; it's how we played it
We had what each other wanted
When neither of us could take it
And now that's been forgotten

You needed me
I needed you
To find the strength to be free
To prove I'm good and true

We fight the urge to let our hearts mend
Instead we feel each other's presence from miles away
Afraid to let ourselves be vulnerable again
Even though we know these feelings won't be swayed

Time to make that stolen love our own
Move past those cracks we put in this road
Not because we're afraid of being alone
It's the only way we'll ever find home






Saturday, June 17, 2017

Early Morning Peace

Sitting the dark before the dawn
Coffee brewing, water dancing on the lawn
Wondering how many notes are left in this song
Thinking about all the days that have come and gone

Here for only a short time
Can't spend it all waiting for a sign
Sometimes you just have to walk the line
And hope in the end you have piece of mind

We all end up in the same place
Some think it's all just a waste
Others grow tired of the chase
Searching for meaning, hoping for grace

Best to stay in the right now
What's in the past is gone anyhow
Cash and prizes won't cure your sorrow
And you can't take any of that to tomorrow


Thursday, June 8, 2017

Dusty Old Head

Wish things had been different
When I needed you
You couldn't be bothered
When you needed me
I looked the other way

Did my best to steer clear of you
Didn't seem you wanted me around
Always angry, always bitter, always yelling
All I wanted to do was hide
And yes, sometimes I wished you'd die

Now I know you didn't want to be there
And none of it had much to do with me
I was just part of the scenery
A piece of background noise
In a cursed home

The dark clouds over you
Vanished over time
But for me to survive
I had to learn not to want
To be touched, held or loved

And now you're gone
And I'm still here
That anger that kept me strong
Now only serves to keep me down
Thousands of miles from my home

Only thing I know for sure
Won't pass those feelings on to anyone else
These demons will die here
Just me and some memories
In this dusty old head




Around the Bend

Pretty much sleep all the time now
Only thing that gives my head some peace
Tired of chasing something that's not there
Doesn't really matter in the end anyway

Keep looking for some validation
From people who don't even know me
As if somehow that will bring some happiness
When the only one who can do that is in the mirror staring back at me.

Got reminded that having a fire
Only gets you burned in the end
Am I getting too old to fight
Or does it no longer matter who's right

Each day gets tougher
To pretend to care
Push myself back up that hill
Hoping for some inspiration

So much noise all around
Nothing I want to hear
Rather sit here in the dark
And wait for the lid to close

Maybe next time around
I'll climb a mountain
Sail a sea
Or just have someone next to me

No regrets about the road I'm on
Got here myself with no map
Try to do right where I can
And hope for something better around the bend.




Friday, June 2, 2017

It Just Came to Pieces



When I was a freshman in college one of my two roommates was Pete I. We were an odd mix but somehow it worked. We shared a love The Jam and The Clash. He also was a huge Queen fan while I favored The Who and Springsteen and, yes, Rod Stewart. He wore flannel all the time and had a dry sense of humor. He could drink but rarely got totally bombed the way I would. I wore my emotions on my sleeve but Pete was more introspective. We could both be moody and I think we shared a similar world view that was fairly bleak although we arrived there on different paths. He was a quiet man of sadness and I lived a life of noisy desperation.

Pete died a few years ago. We never really kept in touch after college. I think I saw him once or twice even though we both ended up in Los Angeles in the 90s.

Anyway, I'm thinking of him tonight while listening to The Style Council's It Just Came To Pieces In My Hand, which he put on a tape for me once.


Wednesday, May 17, 2017

Empty House

Made the wrong bets
Chose the wrong path
Ran away
And paid the price

Walk through the days in a daze
What used to thrill me
No longer fills me
And there's nothing else

Want something to come home to
Thought I had a chance
Slipped through my hands
Now it's just me again

Gets exhausting
Playing to an empty house
No energy left
Nothing to sing or shout

Keep trudging this road
Hoping to find a home
Maybe it's not meant to be
In this life anyway

Monday, May 8, 2017

Angels Walk

When I first moved back to Los Angeles I was still kind of hurting from a relationship ending. I wasn't sure if I was running away or towards something when I returned. I remember driving downtown to the office early in the morning listening to Paul Westerberg's Angels Walk, It's a Wonderful Lie and Lookin' out Forever and wondering what life had in store for me next.

Now just over eight years later I find myself in the same position. And once again it is Paul Westerberg getting me through a tough time.

That's what music does. It makes you feel worse when you want to feel worse and better when you want to feel better. Often the same song can do both. As Pete Townshend said, Rock & Roll won't solve your problems but it will let you dance all over them.




Wednesday, April 26, 2017

Invisible Man

I had to go to Burbank this afternoon for a meeting. I fought traffic all the way there so when it was over I decided I'd get dinner there and then drive back when traffic was lighter.

I ended up in at a Japanese restaurant in an anonymous Toluca Lake strip mall. Food was surprisingly decent and I felt very relaxed with the feeling that no one in the world at that moment knew or cared where I was or what I was doing.

Sitting in this little dive of a restaurant felt so peaceful. I could just be in my skin. I sometimes get that feeling when I'm in a cab to the airport at 5:00 in the morning. The streets are empty and I feel like I'm the only person in the world. Of course there's the driver but I'm a narcissist so he doesn't even exist.

Same thing at the restaurant. I could just sit there and feel completely invisible to the world.

It's a nice feeling.


Sunday, April 23, 2017

Don't Panic

A friend said it's too depressing
I'm not quite sure why
Put my words out here so they don't live in my head
And take up permanent residence
It's just way of blowing off some steam
It's not really as bleak as it seems
I put the dark stuff here
So I'm not carrying it out there
Has to have a place to live and breathe
Otherwise it will destroy everything it sees
It becomes harmless when it leaves my blood
And ends up works on a screen that few will read
Not trying to be a downer
Even if some of these seem like wrist slitters
It's actually a cleansing process
That keeps everything in perspective
So don't call 9-1-1.
This is just how I have fun


Monday, April 17, 2017

Face the Sins

Move from ally to ally
From can to can
Looking for something to eat
Something that tastes all right
Sleep during the day
No one fucks with you then
But when the sun goes down
It's best to be on the move
Roam the streets until dawn
Can't take a chance by lying down
Some punk with a can of gas and a match
Might light a fire just for laughs
When the sun comes up
Get some rest in the park
If no cops show, rest until dark
They stopped looking years ago
Lost cause, already dead
Can't blame them really
Didn't want to be found
And now it's too late to go back
Wouldn't know where to start or what to say
Easier just to live day by day
Then face the sins that got me this way

Saturday, April 15, 2017

Jitters

Jitters lives under a house
She's as quiet as a mouse
Takes her a long time to trust
Animal control removed her ability to lust

Jitters eats my food for free
In return I just let her be
She likes to play with my cat Fluff
But sometimes she can be a little rough

Jitters lets me pick her up and hold her
She doesn't let anyone else go there
She carved a hole in my window screen
So she can come and go when she wants to be seen

Jitters jumps at the slightest sound
She's aware of everything that's around
Can't ever sneak up on her
She's a living motion detector

Jitters waits for me to come home
Deep down she doesn't like to be alone
She wants love and security like you and me
As long as she can still be free

Why

Why
Get up
Get dressed
Go out
Work
Love
Be vulnerable
Be honest
Be open
Just to get hurt again
Just to be alone again
Just to be reminded again
I'm not like everybody else

Why
Pretend
Pose
Clean the dishes
Just throw them away
Start all over again
Buy new clothes
Just get worn out again
Answer the phone
No one there that matters anyway
Read the paper
Just more death and destruction
And reminders of what can never be

Why
Why not?

Friday, April 14, 2017

Still Burning

The fire still burns
A phone call, an email
And you're off in pursuit
Trying to beat the next guy
Hoping to get the scoop
Talk to dozens a day
Wondering whose lying
And whose telling the truth
Not always so easy to figure out
What comes out of someone's mouth

Stop and start and start and stop
Build up and tear down
Spend an hour writing the perfect sentence
Only to have it rewritten by some clown

And then another call
Throws the story out the window
Back on the hunt for the truth
Or at least some version of it that will stick to the wall
Then the chefs all come in
To mess with the ingredients in my soup
By the time they are done shaking and stirring
You often don't recognize what's sitting in the pot
It doesn't look the same and the taste is gone
Oh if only you could have yelled stop

Stop and start and start and stop
Build up and tear down
Spend an hour writing the perfect sentence
Only to have it rewritten by some clown

So you push back a little
And bit by bit try to get something you can live with
In the end your story is a urinal
That everybody takes a piss in
Yet when that phone rings again
The fire starts all over
Your heart beats faster
This time you'll stay up all night
Won't stop until you get the answers
And your blood is all over the keys

Sunday, April 9, 2017

Lonely Uncle

See all those pictures on the wall
The kids when they were young and small
Then they got big and tall
But I'm the same through it all

Watched my nieces and nephews grow
Never gave them any cousins, oh no
Not even an aunt to bring to their home
I'm always the uncle who's all alone

I'm not here to get any sympathy
Don't need to a violin played for me
I made my choices, made my bed
But that doesn't mean their aren't regrets in my head

When it's my turn to go it won't be family sorting through my stuff
Probably some random strangers and a big dump truck
Pack my things and toss them away
And dump me in some anonymous grave

I hope I do it better the next time around
Get this family thing finally off the ground
Was too scared that I'd be no good
Now I know too late that I would


Thursday, April 6, 2017

End Up Here

The days are gray with the past
Keep looking back wondering how I got here
But it's so dark and foggy now I don't remember anymore
Does it really matter?

Not sure if I expected things to be different
Frankly not sure if I expected anything at all
Was too scared of marriage and family
Saw too much of that mess growing up

And I didn't think I'd be able to it any better
So I made sure to steer clear of that path
Maybe I was wrong, maybe I was right
Won't figure any of that out tonight

The pictures all go flashing by
I don't have the energy to focus
So many faces so many dreams
And none were to end up here



Wednesday, April 5, 2017

I Don't Have the Energy to Claim $13

Got a letter from the Dept. of Water and Power. Apparently a class action suit against their billing practices was settled. I'm due a credit or refund of $13.10 for being over billed.

But it's a really long form.

I need an intern.


There is no flame

I'm listening to Pete Townshend's "Stop Hurting People," the first on All the Best Cowboys Have Chinese Eyes.

Love conquers poses.
Love smashes stances
Love crushes angles into black
So you, without question
Know your first love
Is your last
And you, will never - never -
Love again

I always picture myself in the bar car on a train when this playing staring at a women at the end of the bar hoping for an opportunity to light her cigarette and strike up a conversation. Of course, now there are few bar cars and no smoking. Below is a live version which isn't quite as snappy as the studio mix. The Boog always made fun of this song so expect a snarky comment.

May I be matched with you again.


Tuesday, April 4, 2017

Smile

A happy one just to show it can be done.
I'm going to wear my smile today
Not going to let anything get in my way
Show me a frown and I'll turn it upside down
A smile is the only way for me to get around
Cut me off?
A smile for you
Took my parking space?
A smile for you
Tell me to get lost?
A smile for you
Laugh in my face?
A smile for you
I'm going to wear my smile today
No matter what life throws my way
Even if the whole world is mean to me
A smile is the only way for me to be
Take the last apple?
A smile for you.
Jump me in line
A smile for you
Grab my peach Snapple
A smile for you
Shortchange me a dime
A smile for you
I'm going to wear my smile today
Don't care if it rains on my parade
You can give me all your dirty looks
They'll all be smiles in my book.

Spark

Out of pain comes pleasure
A spark lit again
Yes words are back
Don't know how long it will last
Just trying to do some each day

Don't care who looks
Don't care who doesn't
Never did it for that anyway
It was just a place for me to blow off steam
Know what I mean

Still many stories to tell
Still some verses to set free
From deep inside my head
Like giving blood
Jab a needle in and let it flow

I don't claim to be anything more than I am
Just a guy trying to get through the day
Cash and prizes are nice
But not the end game for me
Just want these words to set me free





Back to the Shell

They tell you to be vulnerable but they don't mean it
They tell you you're only as sick as your secrets
They tell you your walls are keeping the good out
They tell you nothing you did or say will scare them away

So you let your guard down little by little
Reveal the things you've done or had done to you
So much in the past it shouldn't matter anymore anyway
But then it turns out there's no such thing as past crimes

Suddenly what made you intriguing and interesting
What made you worldly and wise
What made you daring and different
Ends up being nothing but your disease

The good things you say and do don't matter
Because long ago and far away you were someone else
That heart you guarded so preciously until now
Is smashed to pieces and left on the floor

Because while you were being open and vulnerable
A case was being made against you
Evidence from long ago, circumstantial and real
Used to distort the person you'd become into something unrecognizable

Now it's back to the shell
Because as dark as it is in here
It beats stepping out into the sun
Only to have it go away





Sunday, April 2, 2017

50 Minute Hour *

Tired of your fifty minute hours
Bored of your lame interrogations
Stop looking for that lost boy
He might get out of this chair and kick your ass
Every week it's the same thing

Open up a pothole, poke around inside
Patch it up again and send me on my way
Keep waiting for that magic moment
When I break down and say, oh that's why

But this isn't an object in the mirror
Not getting closer than it appears

So we keep  digging around
Trying to get to the cause
Sometimes it's better not to ask why
Just fill that hole with concrete
And hope it stays sealed

Of course it never does
It cracks ever so slowly
Because the cement won't hold
Pipes are busted inside and soon will explode

At some point it becomes too much
This building up and tearing down
So I'll leave my final check on the desk
And realize a few holes and leaky pipes
Can't be fixed in a 50 minute hour

And who said I had too anyway?

*Initially published in 2008 as a four line quickie. This is extended dance mix.

LA Drivers

LA drivers making me crazy
On the 10, the 405 and even the 2
LA drivers making me crazy
They're gonna kill me and you

Every day is a nightmare
Whether I'm downtown or in the canyons
Every driver is so unaware
I pray I'll get home still standing

Texting
Talking
Reading
Eating

Doing everything but looking at the road

Texting
Talking
Reading
Eating

One wrong move and you'll be toast

Cutting across three lanes of traffic
Making a left from the right lane
Don't care that their causing havoc
Starting to drive me insane

LA drivers making me crazy
On the 10, the 405 and even the 2
LA drivers making me crazy
They're gonna kill me and you





Saturday, April 1, 2017

Clutter

Used to get rid of newspapers every day.
Now they pile up instead of being thrown away
Another sign of aging when you let those little things go
And before you know it, you've gone down the clutter hole

Clutter in the living room
Clutter in the hall
Clutter in the bed room
Even clutter on the walls

Happened to my mom too
got so bad I once came home
spent days throwing away clutter until I was through
Then I saw that clutter kept her from feeling all alone

Clutter in the living room
Clutter in the hall
Clutter in the bed room
Even clutter on the walls

After she died it took a week to fine the floor
Unopened mail going back years, kitchen full of dishes and plates
Every time it looked like there was daylight, there was more
Even the cat box overflowed with waste

Clutter in the living room
Clutter in the hall
Clutter in the bed room
Even clutter on the walls

I don't want to live in clutter no more
Got me some big green bags from the store
Remove this clutter that I dread.
Then the only clutter left will be in my head

Friday, March 31, 2017

The Wind

Up early and the wind is still blowing
Maybe it's trying to clean out some of the mess
Left in my head, left in my bed.
Maybe the wind knows what's best

Not sure what the future means
Never saw it and I don't believe
The past is the past, it never lasts
Which leaves today
To hope and pray

That I can get through what's in front of me
Without worry about what's ahead or lamenting what's behind
What's done is done
I cannot run

No need to hide
No need to cry
No need to fear
No need to go mad

Just take each minute as it comes
Until those minutes outlast the sun
Then lay me down to rest
While the wind decide what to do with this mess

Windy Nights

Windy Night
Making the city crazy
Drivers all over the road
While palm trees blow lazily

The windows slam shut
As the wind cuts through
Cat goes running under a parked car
Because she knew

Nothing seems quite right
On these windy L.A. nights
Everyone seems a little on edge
As if they're running from the dead

Race home and lock the door
Cant' take being on those streets no more
But even inside I don't feel safe
From all the noise the wind makes

Doors are creaking
Floors are squeaking
All alone and yet feel I'm being watched
As the wind invades my every thought


I'm back


Thursday, March 30, 2017

Bobbing and Weaving

Kept feeling persecuted
For decade-old crimes
We shall not regret the past
And I don't regret mine

They say trust the art not the artist
But sometimes it's the other way around
Words and stories is all they are
Not true confessions left in the back of a bar

I use different rhyming schemes
Because it fits my mind
Always dancing and always moving
Scared to stand still and run out of time

Sometimes
I
play
it
straight

Other
times
too
afraid
to
tell

Made the mistake of saying to much
And paying a high price
So sometimes I shut down
Even at the risk of losing what's around

We crashed into each other
At just the right time
But just as I was drawn to your damage
You became repelled by mine

Not putting this here for anyone to see
Just me here. Nobody but me.
And I can handle that for another day
Nothing left to lose so I'll stay

Not as dark as I pretend
Not as cynical as I act
Just defenses I've developed
To keep myself intact

They say there's a child inside of us
Well mine's been hiding since I left the womb
I've tried drinking and smoking him out
But he stays safely tucked away in his room

If he came out and I let him be
I'm afraid he'd take me down in one punch
I act tough but he's the strong one
And I'll only win when he beats me

So stop waiting for some invite
Get out here and let's fight
Break our hands and our bones
At least we won't be alone



Tuesday, March 28, 2017

Welcome

Well if you clicked on that link then you're here. You're inside some of my head. Honestly, I don't write a ton here anymore. Heck this may be only my second entry this year. It's kind of sad how I've let it go.

I used to be a lot more prolific. Stories, poems, rants, musings, etc. Productivity went down as the novelty wore and from my return to journalism. But nonetheless there's a lot of stuff here that will shed some light into the darkness that is my mind.

No, I never told you about this place. It was my own little secret. And judging on my readership stats, I've done a good job of keeping it quiet. Ha ha. Actually in the early years I would get comments from friends who were aware of my secret identity, but I probably never cracked more than a dozen readers.

Now maybe you'll be 13.

And maybe I'll start writing more.

Sunday, March 19, 2017

Noise

Trying to shut down the noise
That has served me so well all these years
The noise that keeps my thoughts at bay
The noise that keep my hell away

But that noise is killing me too
That noise is sucking me dry
That noise has taken my soul
That noise can't fill my hole

The noise keeps me down
The noise stops me from moving on
The noise I can't let go
The noise that doesn't know

That it's time to leave
Time to let me be
Time to get on the road
Time to stop carrying that load