The girls

 I probably shouldn't have told you

But I was trying to be honest about who I was

So I told you about the girls

The ones who come over late and leave in an hour

with $400 dollars

I was trying to show you who I was

And who I'm not anymore

You became obsessed with it though

Asking or referring all the time to my pay by the hour companions

To the point where I knew it was a mistake to share it

That it along with so many other things I shared was weaponized against me

You did that so that's why you're like this

You did that so you can never be this

To me they're just some funny stories from a long time ago

From a life that I left behind because I didn't want to die

But to you they became an indictment against me now

And a constant reminder of my flaws

So my bad for sharing.

At least the girls knew to just take the money and stay quiet.

Nurture

Stab me in the heart and try to kiss me 

You've got a strange way of dumping someone

I don't nurture you enough

So let me pull this knife out so I can drown in my own blood 

And be on my way

One minute I'm talking about sharing a hotel in Paris

And the next I'm being told it's over

I'm probably supposed to fight

But I'm too tired, I'm too old.

Lots of men can say all the right things and don't do shit.

I may not say much but I do all the right things.

I show up. I bring flowers. I pick up the check.

I call and I text. You never do those things first. 

I go away and call and you don't return it. 

Think I don't notice? 

Think that doesn't make me put my walls up even more?

And yet I'm the one not nurturing.

Your idea of meaningful conversations seem to involve tearing me to shreds.

I listen to you and I tried to protect you from the blackness of my soul

You think you want to go there but you don't. 

My black clouds have chased away more women than I can count

Breakup with me at the bar and want to hold my hand when we're back out on the street.

Not sure I get that but I don't have to play it anymore

I can live with not being enough. I was never going to be enough.

And maybe no one will be.

Out of Time

 

My walk is a little slower

My body’s a little older

My heart’s a little colder

My mouth is a little bolder

Don’t keep my thoughts to myself

Don’t keep everything on the shelf

Don’t care about having no wealth

Don’t need much beyond health

Things have been taken away

Things I didn’t need anyway

Things that wouldn’t stay

Things that just made me pay

Love has come and gone

Love I always did wrong 

Love may not be for long

Love please play me your song

Rage

Go fuck off
In a cloud of my dust
Can’t be me
Can’t keep up with me
Just let me be
Think you know me
You don’t know shit
Think you can beat me
Nope, you’re my bitch
Will beat you every time
Just stay in the back of the line
Been at this since before you were born
Forgot more than you’ll ever know
So give up the chase
Before I lay you to waste

Your Heroin

Let me be your heroin tonight
I'll be that warm feeling that makes it alright
Let me be your heroin tonight
I'll be that peace that makes you give up the fight

Don't need that needle and spoon
Don't need that dingy room
Don't need to tie up your arm
Don't need to do yourself harm

I won't cut into your skin
I won't destroy your dreams
I won't overdose you
I won't push you to the other side.

Let me be your heroin tonight
Don't need that poison to feel right
Let me be your heroin tonight
Maybe we can find the light

Free

There is something freeing about aging

There is a peace that comes with getting older

The things I used to worry about

Don't bother me now

The things I wanted to do in my youth

But was too uptight or scared

That's all gone now

Illness is freeing

It may sound crazy to say

Cancer has been a good thing

The silly things I used to fear

Don't matter much anymore

Not afraid to say fuck it

And be who I want to be

It may seem silly to you

58 feeling like 18

Sounds pretty good to me

No Returns

That new TV will cure my blues

That new TV will bring me to you

That new TV will make feel new

That new TV will make me true

That new phone will fix my head

That new phone will get me out of bed

That new phone will replace my meds

That new phone will raise the dead

Another car will get me where I want to be

Another car will make me forget about being me

Another car will make everyone finally see

Another car and I will no longer bleed

Get something to fill something

That can’t be filled 

Get something at the store

When what I need can’t be found beyond your doors

Looking for a quick fix

To get me out this fix

Looking for a quick fix

To give me a fake lift

The messages I get are all fake 

From the screens and my brain 

The messages I get are all fake

They are just out there to take 

And when the goodies are out of the box

When the new car is in the garage 

When that new TV has nothing on

I’ll still be tied up, gagged and locked

Something brings nothing

Nothing brings everything

Search and seek all the time

Is making me lose my mind

Don’t know where the answer lies

All I know is in the end we all die

Whether it’s Potter’s Field Or Hollywood Cemetery

It really doesn’t matter where we finally lie

All end up in the same place

Up or down at the end of the race

And maybe none this adds up to much

Let someone else judge

I’m tired

That's That

 

If you're looking for words of wisdom

You've stumbled down the wrong street

Nothing here for you son

Except love, loss, victory and defeat

We all think there's a better place

We all want to find some magic feeling

Truth is it's our life we waste

While we seek some deeper meaning

It is what it is and that's that.

Nothing better or worse around the next hill

And no point wasting time looking back

Another

  

Another night

Shut out the light

Give up the fight

It will never be right

 

Another day

Gone to stay

No one to pay

Nowhere to pray

 

Another week

Past its peak

Nothing to seek

Just too meek

 

Another month

Was young once

Didn't need lunch

Could take a punch

 

Another year

Gone from here

Too far, too near

It's all clear

Deleted Scene

I want to write and see how you’re doing

But I know the role I play now is strictly supporting

Wanted to be a leading man

But I failed the audition.

It’s tough to watch the play from backstage or the cheap seats

It’s not what I wanted or how I think I should be seen.

But hey it’s not about me

And that’s the way it has to be.

Doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt

When I see the Playbill and I’m not in the credits.

One Draft

 

I write one draft

It either goes up or in the trash

Don't waste time changing my words

Don't care if my thoughts make you squirm

Don't have time to analyze what it means

Am I your stalker or am I insane

Don't even care if the rhymes aren't clean

Just try to keep everything plain

Cut myself open and see what pours out

Stick a pen in my blood and make it shout

And you can look away or pretend I'm not here

Or you can come up close and ignore those fears

Doesn't really matter to me either way

In the end what you do or say

I'll still do what I do

With or without you

For Laurina

Wish you were still here

Such a beautiful scar

Watch you from afar

You were never near

Don't know how you got so dark

When you'd come so far

Don't know how your life got so stark

After you finally escaped the bar

Kept running further inside yourself

Left everyone else pounding at your door

Traded clarity for a maze of hell

Until you couldn't take it anymore

And now we're left wondering why

Nearly four years later and I still can't cry

Rather live in my lie

That you're still alive

Sometimes the hill is too big climb

Sometimes the road is too long to walk

Sometimes the water too deep to swim

Sometimes the ice is too thin to cross

You decided or did you

That the world was better off without you

Or that you're better off without the world

Either way you're not here anymore

And that fucking sucks

Your Eyes

I look into your eyes and see what was

I look into your eyes and see what will never be

I look into your eyes like a lost cause

I look into your eyes and hope you see me

Time to get out of this place

Nothing left for me here

Need to get to a wide open space

Outrun my hopes and fears

The days turn into months and years

I don't want to wake up dead here

Take me where the skies are clear

Maybe I'll find you there

Burden Of Your Past

I carry the burden of your past

I remind you of what didn’t last

When you see me you see your crash

I carry the burden of your past

Never got to be us

No one ever knew

No memories. No proof 

Invisible love is no love

And yet I’m kept hanging on

He gets the best

I get the rest

But I made this bed I sleep on

One day I’ll look away

Instead of torturing myself

One day I’ll walk away

Instead of living on this shelf

 

As the plane goes down

A lifetime of regrets

As the clock runs down

What I’ve done that I shouldn’t have

What I didn’t do that I should have

The only person I have to answer to

Is the face staring back at me

And right now he doesn’t like what he sees.

No Pachelbel's Canon

I never walked down that aisle

I've been alone for awhile

It's not what I anticipated in my youth

But now as the sun begins to set it is my truth

I often get asked why

By those who succeeded and those who tried

I don't have an easy answer

The one I lived through had cancer

I see my mom in a room with her books, music, coffee and cat

And I guess for me that was a life that seemed where it's at

Yes there is a heavy price to pay

But it's my only way

There is loneliness and emptiness sometimes I won't lie

And at times like these I may even breakdown and cry

But some of us may be better off walking alone

And let their hearts forever roam

Until that final resting place

Too Late

Wind teases relief
It's just more hot air
Blowing through this endless night
From which there is no escape
Roaming the street
No one here but my shadow
Creeping up on me
Like the time I'm running out of
Darkened windows and locked doors
They won't let me in
Only the moon to guide me
To the other side of the hill
Sirens cry in the distance
They got there too late

It's Easy

It's easy
To make the joke
To step away from the feeling
To run from yourself

It's easy
To put up a wall
To shut everything out
To not feel anything

It's easy
To be cynical
To be hard
To be harsh

It's easy
To bury pain
To hide emotion
To hurt

It's hard
To crack yourself open
To let your heart out
To live

And I'm home

And as I take that final look

Gasp for that last breath

A peace comes over me
As I close the book
I see your face
Not the way you left me
Beaten down and done
No, younger and still with hope
We rise higher
A warmth envelops me
And I'm home.

A short one

If I keep moving
I don't have to think
If I keep moving
I don't have to be
If I keep moving
Then I'm really not here
If I keep moving
You still are.