Driving home

Driving home tonight
Going through the intersection with a green light on my side
SUV still pulled out of nowhere looking for a head start I guess
Had to think for second about whether to honk the horn or force the crash

I wanted to smash into him
I wanted to see the hood buckle and the windshield shatter
Maybe get some glass in forehead
And think damn I had the right of way

Instead I honked the horn and cursed
Next time he won't be so lucky
Take us both out in a flash
As long as I can feel good about it

The Walls

I was driving tonight and I went past a photo frame store and it took me back to just after my mom died and going to a store to by frames to put her pictures in for the memorial we held for her.

Instantly the tear in my heart reopened as I remembered those days just after her passing. I tried to keep myself busy then so I wouldn't have to really feel my grief. I think I did the same thing in her final days. I knew the end was near and I sat in her hospital room and tried to be present but if I could find a distraction, I leapt at it. I did that for two reasons. One was to protect her from seeing my lose it. I did my best but still broke down towards the end when she was still conscious. She asked if I was crying and I said yes. She didn't ask why. She didn't need to.

But I was also trying to protect myself. I've put walls around me from the moment I got out of the womb. Those walls were crucial for me but they have also kept me apart from the world. They blocked pain but they also blocked love.

Those walls need to come down now. They are not protecting me. They are holding me back and they have to go.

Off the grid

I spent a week away from the Internet. Went on a vacation without my laptop. No Twitter. No Facebook. No me.

Now I'm back and the first thing I notice is how whatever little serenity I got in those few days away from the wired world instantly disappear with the first link I click. Whether I'm reading work-related stuff or just looking at Facebook, my mind and body no longer feel at rest or peace. Instead my emotions run the gamut from anger to sadness to envy. None of those are good for me.

Obviously I'm not suggesting that the Internet is the cause of all my issues. But I do think I could do myself a favor by cutting back a little on how much time I spend online surfing around websites even if it means looking at a few less clips of The Wire.

That shouldn't impact my productivity here because I barely have any productivity here these days. Perhaps, if anything, it will give me a little more energy for it.

We'll see.

Afraid

Afraid
To punch these keys in front of me
Afraid
To put words on this screen
Afraid
To see what might come out
Afraid
To hear what's in my head
Afraid
To feel what's in my heart
Afraid
To speak up for myself
Afraid
To say what I really want
Afraid
To look back without regret
Afraid
To look forward without fear
Afraid
To stay in this moment
Afraid

On This Road

Not going anywhere yet
Don't let my words fool you
Still have a lot to do here you bet
Don't let my thoughts worry you

Too many things on my to do list
To start eying the exits
Too many girls I want to kiss
Don't need to have me arrested

Plenty of sunny days ahead
Not ready to go underground
Lots of reasons to get out of bed
No matter what, I'll still be around

Too many things I need to start
Plenty of crazy I need to be
Just sometimes like to get dark
Doesn't mean I don't want to see

So don't call the ambulance
Keep the doctors on hold
I still have plenty of sense
And am still on this road

So read me with a smile
It's just an exercise that's all
Going to be here for awhile
No one is headed for a fall

The Zevon of it all

Yes, I realize my verses of late are on the grim side. But think of them as lyrics to Warren Zevon song. His words were dark and his music upbeat. "Poor Poor Pitful Me," "Excitable Boy," "Splendid Isolation." Depressing lyrics but great music.

Now I just need someone to write the music.

Just for a second

Wake up and someone else is gone

Just another reminder

That I've got more days behind me than I do in front

And I don't have much to show for it

Don't want to look back and wonder what it was all for

Don't want to look back wishing I'd done more

Don't want to look back thinking about unsettled scores

Just want to feel at peace

Go to bed and someone else gone

Just another reminder

My day is nearly done

And I've lost the strength to run

Used to laugh at what made the old man cry

Now I know he was thinking about his time to die

It's the little things that cut our hearts open

And leave us totally broken

Can't remember what happened yesterday

It seems so long ago

But I can tell you every detail of a day long since past

That I'd give anything to have back again 

Just for a second