Goodbye Lou

There is nothing I can say about  Lou Reed that hasn't been said more eloquently by better people than me.

All I'll say is that Rock n Roll Animal was the first album I ever bought. All I'll say is Lou was real and made me feel real. When I wanted to feel down he could take me there. And when I needed to be reminded that life wasn't all shit, I could just listen to Sweet Jane and everything would be alright.

Thank you Lou, for all the great music and a few funny memories that maybe I'll share someday.

Those were different times.

New York City Serenade

Tonight was one of those perfect fall nights that make miss this place.
A chill was in the air. People were just a little bundled up. The streets were alive.
People just look better here than they do in Los Angeles. The girls (woman) don't feel the need to show all their skin. They know less is more. I'll take a skirt and blouse over jean cutoffs and a midriff exposing tank top any day.

Just watching life was a blast. Even standing on the subway didn't seem so bad. I miss the Daily News and the New York Post.

Of course, I'm also not coming home to a tiny two room apartment in a sixth floor walkup. I'm in a nice place that I could never afford if I moved back here.

Nonetheless, can't wait for tomorrow morning and the long run in Riverside Park.

I wish

I was on the streets of New York City in 1977 with Marquee Moon playing in the background.

That would be pretty cool.

Darkness Calls

Heading back to those streets
Looking for what I lost
Got no one to keep me clean
Or remind me of the cost
Want to taste that darkness one more time
Need to submit to my boss
Wondering if tomorrow will be mine
Or if all will be lost

Driving home

Driving home tonight
Going through the intersection with a green light on my side
SUV still pulled out of nowhere looking for a head start I guess
Had to think for second about whether to honk the horn or force the crash

I wanted to smash into him
I wanted to see the hood buckle and the windshield shatter
Maybe get some glass in forehead
And think damn I had the right of way

Instead I honked the horn and cursed
Next time he won't be so lucky
Take us both out in a flash
As long as I can feel good about it

The Walls

I was driving tonight and I went past a photo frame store and it took me back to just after my mom died and going to a store to by frames to put her pictures in for the memorial we held for her.

Instantly the tear in my heart reopened as I remembered those days just after her passing. I tried to keep myself busy then so I wouldn't have to really feel my grief. I think I did the same thing in her final days. I knew the end was near and I sat in her hospital room and tried to be present but if I could find a distraction, I leapt at it. I did that for two reasons. One was to protect her from seeing my lose it. I did my best but still broke down towards the end when she was still conscious. She asked if I was crying and I said yes. She didn't ask why. She didn't need to.

But I was also trying to protect myself. I've put walls around me from the moment I got out of the womb. Those walls were crucial for me but they have also kept me apart from the world. They blocked pain but they also blocked love.

Those walls need to come down now. They are not protecting me. They are holding me back and they have to go.

Off the grid

I spent a week away from the Internet. Went on a vacation without my laptop. No Twitter. No Facebook. No me.

Now I'm back and the first thing I notice is how whatever little serenity I got in those few days away from the wired world instantly disappear with the first link I click. Whether I'm reading work-related stuff or just looking at Facebook, my mind and body no longer feel at rest or peace. Instead my emotions run the gamut from anger to sadness to envy. None of those are good for me.

Obviously I'm not suggesting that the Internet is the cause of all my issues. But I do think I could do myself a favor by cutting back a little on how much time I spend online surfing around websites even if it means looking at a few less clips of The Wire.

That shouldn't impact my productivity here because I barely have any productivity here these days. Perhaps, if anything, it will give me a little more energy for it.

We'll see.