Just Another Night

Saw your ad at quarter to four
And a half hour later I was at your door
Just looking for one more high
Before the sun comes up and I say goodbye

Took a cab to your projects on 135th and 5th
Climbed over the bodies and trash and filth
That filled your halls and my soul
Don't know why I'm here, feel so old

You pass me a pipe and bic
It's amazing what I'll do for my dick
Gone to those places I swore I'd never go
Drawn in by the broads, booze and blow

Anything to escape myself
Anything to forget myself
Caught up in this man-made nightmare
Determined to never be clear

And that fucking sun came up again
And I'm still here stuck in the same
And it's all bullshit, I'm just afraid
Taking the cowards way is just so lame

Swear I won't be back as I stagger to the door
Throw what's left of my bag on the floor
Staggering out into that cruel daylight
And back home, just another night.

504

I guess I passed the 500 post milestone the other week and didn't realize it. Not a whole lot to say about it. I'm glad I have this thing. It is helping me try to do more writing but I'm still a long way off. I need to really get back on it because frankly I need the distraction. I have no hobbies really or I should say the ones I do are the ones that I need to get rid of or else I'll have some real issues down the road.

Heading into a new year and I have pretty good reason to think it'll be a good one. Yes, it will be challenging and an emotional roller coaster but I think I'm headed down a road I want to go down. I hope I'm not getting ahead of myself but we'll have to see what happens.

I still have a lot of demons to confront but I've done pretty good against the big ones and sooner or later, and my hunch is sooner, I will go after the next big one.

I think I have found something. I think I have had that moment when suddenly things make sense. But at the same time, none of this comes easy to me.

I know I have to write something, finish something. I'm not sure what it is and therein lies the struggle.

Well, this is where my head is at today. I need to take a run now. Blow some of the tension out of my body.

Christmas Memories

It was Christmas eve and we were in her apartment doing lines. It was about 3 a.m. We'd been drinking and snorting for the last seven hours. Every part of us was numb except our hearts. Those were managing to squeeze out a few beats of tired blood despite of our best efforts.

Sooner or later we'd tire of our jaw clenching conversations about music, about families, about how wronged we'd been, about how misunderstood we were, about all the great things that would happen or about all the bad things that had already happened.

When we ran out of steam we'd end up in the bedroom and gradually poke and paw without really looking at each other, without really being there. We were just praying that maybe being inside each other would take away what the booze and blow couldn't. Alas, it never did.

In one of those moments of clarity I realized this was not really where I wanted to go. Maybe it was during the strains of U2's "All That You Can't Leave Behind," I really don't remember, but at one point I looked in her eyes and said, `I can't do this anymore. I need help.'

And she looked right back at me and said, `I can't help you.'

It was the most honest thing she'd ever said.

Keep Me Close

Twenty four days since I've seen you
Feels like twenty four years
So much has happened in that time
Gotten so much closer from so far away.

Am I pushing too fast
Or is the dream within my grasp
Am I saying what I mean
Or what I want you to hear

Think you know what love is going to be
Just want to get it back to you and me
Turn off the noise, shut down the lights
Let me hold you close in the dead of night

You're so near and yet just out of reach
And I'm doing my best to show you who I am
And I'll still be there when it hits the fan
Won't let you down like those who went before

Knew when I first saw you all those years ago
That you could be the one if I could step up
And I had to go to hell and back
To be that guy who's the guy for you

You weren't looking for me
But here I am and we're in it
I won't cut and run that I promise
Just don't leave me out when it hits the fan

Keep me close
Don't let me out of sight
Gotta trust that I'm here
Through the darkest night

Powerless

Just want to be there and get you through
Feel so helpless from here
I know this isn't really about you
But you're in pain which means I am too

Life isn't always fair
And sometimes people don't get their share
Of the breaks and the breath that we take for granted
As we all make our way through each day

No one seems to know what's wrong
Just because they're in a building and where gowns
Doesn't mean they have all the answers
Only means sometimes they don't ask all the questions

Wish I could chase it all away
Make all that pain just dissipate
See that smile back in your eyes
Hearing you laugh now would make me cry

Now we see what powerless is
On our knees looking for grace
So easy to get mad right now
But that's not what it's all about

We can't know where this will go
Can only do our part and hope
And no matter what happens in the end
I'll still be here holding you more

Worth All That's Gone

Still see those bruises on you
Why'd you stay there so long?
Couldn't stand to see him take you down
So I did what you couldn't
And he'll never touch you again

Think of me for the next twenty years
I wouldn't have it any other way
Just wish I had more time to hide him
But that's the way it got played
And now we'll just have to wait

Wish I could undo all he did
Take back every stitch and cut
Make you the bright shiny girl again
Instead of a scared lost waif
Looking to run from everyone

Hate what he did to you
Hate what it made me do
Stuck here staring at these walls
Shouldn't be here I know
But if I wasn't you wouldn't be out there

So I'll sit here and wait out my time
Don't need no visitors, no reminders
Just promise me when I walk out in twenty
That you'll be there with a smile and I'll know
It was worth all that's gone

Well, That's Different

Stumbled off this, uh, unique cover of one of my favorite Kink's songs. It starts out like "Heart of Glass" and then seems to turn into some sort of Eno/Roxy Music groove. It's growing on me.