Keep It Simple

Sometimes miss those early days
All I had to do was cling to that seat
Let the wall hold me up
Each minute was an hour and each hour a day

All that mattered was getting through the moment
The future didn't exist and the past didn't matter
Just live in the day it was that simple
As long as I was strong, I'd be around

The feeling that came at the end of the day
Knowing I'd gotten through another one
Each day the scars healing a little more
Each day my body and heart a little less sore

Now those days are long gone
Replaced by the worries that I used to spend all my time escaping from
They're back again. Less scary and less menacing
But nonetheless still lurking in my head

Five years down the road from those cold seats in that little room
Those dark nights and lost souls
Clinging together to create hope
It was so simple then

When

When?

When does it stop hurting?
When can I stop looking away?
When can I see you and not feel ripped apart?
When can I see you and not have it break my heart?

From across the room I see you.
I get that cold chill in my chest.
From across the room I hear you.
And and I lose my breath.

When?

It sucks.

Reality Check

Happy Thanksgiving.

For all the angst, rants, blood, pain and loss that I spill here, the truth of the matter is I have nothing to bitch about. I have a place to be today and family to see today and friends to call today and a bed to sleep in today.

Do I really need anything else? I have people who love me and that I love. I have a job that allows me to express myself and to use my mind. I am one of the fortunate ones. Sure, I've had plenty of downs, but I see a lot more people with a lot more happiness with a hell of a lot less than I have and I can learn from them.

I got up today and went to a meeting. It's the same meeting I've been to for six years in a row now down in Dupont Circle. I see a lot of the same faces and it gives me strength. I have many regrets in life -- who doesn't -- but the one thing I don't regret is a decision I made over five years ago to walk away from my self-destructive ways.

I am still writing for fun, just not here lately. At some point, I will put some of the story I'm working on up here. Now that I'm back to writing full time, it is tough for me to find the time to do this too.

But I do need to find the time because we only have so much time anyway.

I'm going to spare you the usual bleakness that fills my screens today. It is a good day and I have no complaints.

Peace out!

Status update

I know I don't write here enough. I spend my day writing so by the time I get home and actually have some time to devote to myself and the writing I want to do, I'm too spent to put a few thoughts together.

Of course, this is in part because I returned to my old career and while it was a good move, with it comes a loss of time and an expenditure of energy that drains me.

I have been doing some writing on the side. Another story. Not sure if it will see the light of day here, but hopefully it will see the light of day.

My life is good. My dad died and that hasn't been easy. But it's not easy for anyone who has lost a parent. I'm no different. I'm just glad, as I said earlier, that I lost a lot of the anger I had carried with me for so many years. I'd be a mess right now if I hadn't.

I am seeing someone. And she is wonderful and sweet and caring and takes care of me. Hopefully I won't fuck it up.

I still have lots of angst and darkness and blood that needs to flow here. I'll get there. I'm not too old ... yet.

Atonement

Too many sins keeping me
Too many sins to set me free
Let go the ones that cut the deepest
Let the blood flow so I can breathe
Wash it away

Gonna walk to the edge of the water
Kneel down on the ground
Ask you to take it all away
Beg you to let me stay

Too many sins chasing you away
Too many sins getting in my way
Let go the ones that scream the loudest
Let the blood flow so I can pray
Wash it away

Gonna watch the sun drop over those hills
Wait through the night until I hear them crows
Ask you to take it all away
Beg you to let me stay

Too many sins keeping me down
Too many sins for you to be around
Let go the ones that ache the most
Let go the ones that keep me lost
Wash it away

Gonna sit besides those rail road tracks
Wait for that freighter and never come back
Ask you to take me away
Beg you to hear me pray

Wash it away

I have not forgotten

Really, I haven't.
I've just been caught up in crap to sit down and write like I should. I have been working on a story, but I'm doing it in longhand, not on the computer so no previews for now.

On the family front, death brings out the best and worst in people. I had a huge blow up with one of my brothers that looked like it might potentially end our relationship. I won't go into the what or why except to say that while I may have lobbed a rock and he returned fire with nuclear weapons.

Fortunately, once my father's will came out, he find a new home for his anger. We're fine now and he's furious with my father. I'm not sure why. My dad's will was no secret. We don't get anything. The grandkids also don't get anything. That would be easier to swallow if he hadn't found money for his sister he never spoke to (who is also on death's door) and his niece (although she deserves whatever she can get).

Here's the rub. My dad is leaving everything to his second wife. That's fine. But what he didn't do was set up his will in a way that so when she passed, properties could be passed on to his kids or grandkids. He also didn't set up the possibility of trusts for grandkids should his wife sell some of his properties.

Now I don't have kids (yet) so no biggie for me. But my brothers are a little irked since after my dad's second wife goes, everything goes to her nieces and nephews. It's a little screwed up but what can you do?

Just one thing to keep in mind when you are doing your wills. If both my dad and his wife had passed together in an accident but she outlived him by two minutes, everything would have gone to her nieces and nephews. Now that's a little screwed up. So all you folks out there with multiple families, etc., be very clear in your wills.

OK, going to eat now but I will be back with more soon. Really, I promise.

Sunday night

Supposed to be writing.
Instad I'm sitting here in this coffee shop in Larchmont Village.
I should be working on my story, but instead i'm stuck in a battle that will have no winners.
Isn't life fun?