Well this is pathetic

Jeez,  six months with nothing new? Six months since I regurgitated an old post on Christmas. Six months and Rambler has nothing to say. No new stories? No new drama? No new laughs?

None of the above. I just haven't been motivated enough to sit here and cut a vein and let some blood spill out.  I'll try now.

On the professional front things couldn't be better. There indeed can be second acts and mine is going pretty well so far. No regrets at all. Sure there are occasional headaches but being far away from HQ makes it real easy for me to just focus on my world and not get distracted by other noise.

On the personal front things couldn't be muddier. Relationship drama continues. I won't get too specific here to protect the innocent but lets just say I'm learning some valuable lessons and handling a messy situation the best I can.

Good god that sounded lame. Maybe this is why I haven't been on here too much lately. I self censor.

Fluff is good. On heart meds but doing really well. Still miss Skinny.

I may have to back to rants against institutions, culture and the day-to-day struggles.

It'll be a lot more interesting than this shit.

Christmas Eve

Those old days are gone
You and me and a dark bar
Pretending nothing hurt
And this was the way it was supposed to be
Stay there until they threw us out
Grab more beer on the way home
Between that and the snow
Could make it to the end of the night
And sleep through the day
Two lost souls stuck together
Out of desperation and darkness
Just one more smoke, one more beer
And maybe we won't wake up here

Remembering Skinny

Hard to believe that it's already been six months since Skinny moved on. I miss him every day as does his brother Fluff. Interestingly, Fluff has started to pick up some of Skinny's habits. He now hops up on the desk when I'm working and even tries chewing cords but his heart isn't in it. That's good because while I miss Skinny, I don't miss buying new Mac power cords every three months.

Work is good these days. I'm back at the place I was chased out of eight years ago. It's good to be there again and to not only prove I did belong but also do better job than I did the first time around.

On the personal front there isn't much new. I'm in love with a woman who is not available ... yet. I'm holding out hope and she says she wants to be with me. We'll see.

That's it for now. No great works of literature yet. Just a daily grind.

Another Fall

Another fall
And like the leaves soon will be
You're still gone
Think about picking up the phone
But there's no one home
Sometimes in my car
Stuck in traffic
I'll wonder how I got here
And hope you're still somewhere
Other than in my dreams
Which are fewer and fewer
Can't figure much out anymore
But the things I thought brought me light
Don't shine the way they used to
And I never planned for the dark

The Bad Guy

Treated her like shit for 20 years

And I'm the bad guy.

Ignored her and thought only of yourself

And I'm the bad guy

Did whatever you wanted and left her behind

And I'm the bad guy

Deprived her of love and companionship

And I'm the bad guy

She put up with it without a peep

And I'm the bad guy

Let you make the rules and fix the game

And I'm the bad guy

Wouldn't stand up for herself

And I'm the bad guy

Just sat there hoping things would change

And I'm the bad guy

I smiled and offer a shoulder

And I'm the bad guy

I listened and cared

And I'm the bad guy

Gave her the strength see a new road

And I'm the bad guy

Made her remember what its like to be touched

And I'm the bad guy

Could have waited for her to break free and clear

And I'm the bad guy

Didn't need to chase her

And I'm the bad guy

We can't always choose who we fall for

And I'm the bad guy

We can choose what we do about it

And I'm the bad guy

Maybe I am

Able To Feel

Got hit with the most beautiful wave of depression this evening.
I was driving to one of my meetings listening to Cold Play's "Don't Panic" and all of a sudden I felt incredibly alone in the world. I'm almost 50 with not much to show for it beyond a nice career. No wife, no kids, not too many friends. Just me and my head.

Anyway, this all hit me driving down Olympic Blvd. on my way to the church. I pulled over and parked and just let it all out of me. It felt horrible and wonderful all at the same time.

There are lots of reasons I burst. I've been chasing a fantasy and I think I'm now back in reality. I miss my fantasy and maybe one day it will be a reality but it isn't right now and me thinking it is won't help anyone.

That's it. I'm still here and apparently still able to feel.

Shining lights

Don't need exhibits or words on walls.
Don't need gift shops or crowded halls.
Just show me those two bright beautiful lights burning in the sky every night.