The girls

 I probably shouldn't have told you

But I was trying to be honest about who I was

So I told you about the girls

The ones who come over late and leave in an hour

with $400 dollars

I was trying to show you who I was

And who I'm not anymore

You became obsessed with it though

Asking or referring all the time to my pay by the hour companions

To the point where I knew it was a mistake to share it

That it along with so many other things I shared was weaponized against me

You did that so that's why you're like this

You did that so you can never be this

To me they're just some funny stories from a long time ago

From a life that I left behind because I didn't want to die

But to you they became an indictment against me now

And a constant reminder of my flaws

So my bad for sharing.

At least the girls knew to just take the money and stay quiet.

Nurture

Stab me in the heart and try to kiss me 

You've got a strange way of dumping someone

I don't nurture you enough

So let me pull this knife out so I can drown in my own blood 

And be on my way

One minute I'm talking about sharing a hotel in Paris

And the next I'm being told it's over

I'm probably supposed to fight

But I'm too tired, I'm too old.

Lots of men can say all the right things and don't do shit.

I may not say much but I do all the right things.

I show up. I bring flowers. I pick up the check.

I call and I text. You never do those things first. 

I go away and call and you don't return it. 

Think I don't notice? 

Think that doesn't make me put my walls up even more?

And yet I'm the one not nurturing.

Your idea of meaningful conversations seem to involve tearing me to shreds.

I listen to you and I tried to protect you from the blackness of my soul

You think you want to go there but you don't. 

My black clouds have chased away more women than I can count

Breakup with me at the bar and want to hold my hand when we're back out on the street.

Not sure I get that but I don't have to play it anymore

I can live with not being enough. I was never going to be enough.

And maybe no one will be.

Out of Time

 

My walk is a little slower

My body’s a little older

My heart’s a little colder

My mouth is a little bolder

Don’t keep my thoughts to myself

Don’t keep everything on the shelf

Don’t care about having no wealth

Don’t need much beyond health

Things have been taken away

Things I didn’t need anyway

Things that wouldn’t stay

Things that just made me pay

Love has come and gone

Love I always did wrong 

Love may not be for long

Love please play me your song

Rage

Go fuck off
In a cloud of my dust
Can’t be me
Can’t keep up with me
Just let me be
Think you know me
You don’t know shit
Think you can beat me
Nope, you’re my bitch
Will beat you every time
Just stay in the back of the line
Been at this since before you were born
Forgot more than you’ll ever know
So give up the chase
Before I lay you to waste

Your Heroin

Let me be your heroin tonight
I'll be that warm feeling that makes it alright
Let me be your heroin tonight
I'll be that peace that makes you give up the fight

Don't need that needle and spoon
Don't need that dingy room
Don't need to tie up your arm
Don't need to do yourself harm

I won't cut into your skin
I won't destroy your dreams
I won't overdose you
I won't push you to the other side.

Let me be your heroin tonight
Don't need that poison to feel right
Let me be your heroin tonight
Maybe we can find the light

Free

There is something freeing about aging

There is a peace that comes with getting older

The things I used to worry about

Don't bother me now

The things I wanted to do in my youth

But was too uptight or scared

That's all gone now

Illness is freeing

It may sound crazy to say

Cancer has been a good thing

The silly things I used to fear

Don't matter much anymore

Not afraid to say fuck it

And be who I want to be

It may seem silly to you

58 feeling like 18

Sounds pretty good to me

No Returns

That new TV will cure my blues

That new TV will bring me to you

That new TV will make feel new

That new TV will make me true

That new phone will fix my head

That new phone will get me out of bed

That new phone will replace my meds

That new phone will raise the dead

Another car will get me where I want to be

Another car will make me forget about being me

Another car will make everyone finally see

Another car and I will no longer bleed

Get something to fill something

That can’t be filled 

Get something at the store

When what I need can’t be found beyond your doors

Looking for a quick fix

To get me out this fix

Looking for a quick fix

To give me a fake lift

The messages I get are all fake 

From the screens and my brain 

The messages I get are all fake

They are just out there to take 

And when the goodies are out of the box

When the new car is in the garage 

When that new TV has nothing on

I’ll still be tied up, gagged and locked

Something brings nothing

Nothing brings everything

Search and seek all the time

Is making me lose my mind

Don’t know where the answer lies

All I know is in the end we all die

Whether it’s Potter’s Field Or Hollywood Cemetery

It really doesn’t matter where we finally lie

All end up in the same place

Up or down at the end of the race

And maybe none this adds up to much

Let someone else judge

I’m tired