Sunday, September 1, 2013

The Walls

I was driving tonight and I went past a photo frame store and it took me back to just after my mom died and going to a store to by frames to put her pictures in for the memorial we held for her.

Instantly the tear in my heart reopened as I remembered those days just after her passing. I tried to keep myself busy then so I wouldn't have to really feel my grief. I think I did the same thing in her final days. I knew the end was near and I sat in her hospital room and tried to be present but if I could find a distraction, I leapt at it. I did that for two reasons. One was to protect her from seeing my lose it. I did my best but still broke down towards the end when she was still conscious. She asked if I was crying and I said yes. She didn't ask why. She didn't need to.

But I was also trying to protect myself. I've put walls around me from the moment I got out of the womb. Those walls were crucial for me but they have also kept me apart from the world. They blocked pain but they also blocked love.

Those walls need to come down now. They are not protecting me. They are holding me back and they have to go.

Off the grid

I spent a week away from the Internet. Went on a vacation without my laptop. No Twitter. No Facebook. No me.

Now I'm back and the first thing I notice is how whatever little serenity I got in those few days away from the wired world instantly disappear with the first link I click. Whether I'm reading work-related stuff or just looking at Facebook, my mind and body no longer feel at rest or peace. Instead my emotions run the gamut from anger to sadness to envy. None of those are good for me.

Obviously I'm not suggesting that the Internet is the cause of all my issues. But I do think I could do myself a favor by cutting back a little on how much time I spend online surfing around websites even if it means looking at a few less clips of The Wire.

That shouldn't impact my productivity here because I barely have any productivity here these days. Perhaps, if anything, it will give me a little more energy for it.

We'll see.