Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Love this song

Jesse Malin doing Hold Steady's "You Can Make Him Like You."


Laurina was a girl I met in New York in the program. She was dark, jaded, beautiful, and damaged. Naturally I fell for her. She made it clear upfront that she wasn't looking to date. And for once I accepted something at face value and we became good friends. We'd hang out with each other. Talk on the phone, Text one another. When Melissa pulled away, Laurina was there for me. I'll never forget a cold night in New York when my heart was broken and she and I roamed around the East Village and hung out for hours. I needed human contact and she was there.

She wasn't much on the compassion front and certainly wasn't really ever a good listener or a sympathetic shoulder to cry on. She had her own baggage and her own demons and I guess us together made us forget ourselves for just a little bit.

Laurina disappeared before I left New York. She was always struggling with her writing and trying to make ends meed in various temp jobs. Laurina was not cut out for office work. Her dream was to be a writer in the mountains somewhere. I guess she got a little down and took off for awhile either to Maryland where her brother was or Massachusetts where the rest of her family lived. Either way, I didn't see her before I left for Los Angeles.

It's not like I didn't try. I emailed her. I sent texts. I left messages. I even called her friend to try to get in touch with her. And since I've been out here, I tried too. I never get a response. I know she's back in New York and back in the meeting we used to go to. I wish she'd get in touch with me. I'm through trying. I used to get angry about it. But it's her, not me. It's not personal and she is probably completely unaware how much it hurt that she never responded to my efforts to get in touch with her.

I sometimes wonder if I confuse my feelings for Melissa with Laurina. I went for Melissa not long after Laurina had passed on my offer of a date. I think I was hungry for something and the someone didn't matter so much. If you had to say on paper who I had more in common with and who I had more of a connection to, it would be Laurina hands down.

But I don't sit here pining for Laurina. I'm writing about her just because she's someone who was very important in my life for a short time. She was someone who probably helped me more than she'll ever know. And I guess if she doesn't know, why should I be surprised that she could move on to a world without me without a missing a beat.

I think I attach too much to people. I probably think too highly of myself in all this too. Tonight I'm worried that it's been now a full 48 hours since I was with this girl Courtney and we fooled around a lot. I emailed her a little while ago, but I wonder if after you've been in between their thighs you're supposed to call, not email. I sit here and worry that she's thinking less of me when in reality she might be perfectly fine with everything Maybe I'm the sensitive one. Or is that another copout.

Anyway, I've gotten distracted. Tonight I hope my pal Laurina is doing well and maybe one day I'll cross paths with her again.

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

What Up!

So rather than look for some Internet porn or watch a rerun of Big Bang, I thought I'd try to hammer out an update.

I'm not ready to resume my fiction efforts but am getting close. Was reading a story I was working on to a date the other night (I know, what a cheap romantic ploy) and it almost got me inspired to start working on it again.

A friend asked if I had lost interest in this. I haven't really. I guess I just am kind of worn out when I get home and either surf the net, do Twitter or watch TV. I need to just do this. I need to disconnect from the world every now and then and this is probably my best way.

Of course, in the course of writing this I distracted myself with Internet porn for ten minutes. Are my thoughts so scary I can't be alone with them without any diversions? Apparently so.

So other than my porn habit still raging out of control I'm fine. Hard to believe I've been here eight months. Frankly 2009 is hard to believe. I went into it thinking I'd found the girl I was going to marry only to have that explode in my face two weeks into January. I let that knock me on my ass. It ultimately led me back to Los Angeles and journalism. A girl I'm dating right now who asked me about my last relationship had these wise words for me about it that I'd thought I'd share.

"When you lose someone, the pain often feels twofold. That's because not only do you now have to mourn the loss of that person, but, and this is what gets us, you're mourning the loss of your dream for who that person MIGHT have been in your life, and what they might have meant for you (a perfect future, happiness, love, etc). That second loss is often more painful because it was so beautiful and perfect ... and unreal. Honor that. And try to let it go."

She's absolutely right, especially the loss of my dream for who she might have been in my life. I hope I can learn from that. I hope I also recognize that anyone with that much insight is worth pursuing. I like her a lot. I'm just not sure my walls are ready to come down yet. She seems very patient and has plenty of walls of her own too and neither of us are in any rush. I like her and if I can get past my own shallowness then who knows.

That said, I really don't want to rush into anything. My history has been meet girl, sleep with girl, have relationship. Basically, I'm the guy who walks on the lot, drives out the first car he sees without checking the transmission or realizing that the guy who owned it before me really fucked up the interior.

I want to test drive lots of cars.

Sunday, December 6, 2009


Everyone else seems to keep on blogging (BTW, Tourguide, you got the Badlands lyrics wrong, but appreciate the sentiment, I've never understood why people think Bruce should stop singing about what he knows just because he got rich) so i will try to as well.

But now I need to go to sleep.

Things I like about LA

Driving the ten with no traffic at twilight when the palm trees jet out over the hills.
The full moons here are incredible.
My neighborhood, which is so cool.
Funky buildings.
When the traffic is moving, I love driving.
Cool nights like tonight.
LAX even if the experts say it is the worst airport in the world. I love landing there and knowing I'm home.

I was given a job offer recently and the position they wanted me to take was back in NYC and my gut clenched so tight. I know I made the right choice.

If I go anywhere after here, it'll be DC.

Your Call

Can decide when you walk out the door but not when you come back.
So take that first step and know it might be your last.
Can lay yourself to waste or try to keep that grace.

Gotta Get Back

Sorry. I know it's been a long time between updates. I've been busy at work. Really busy, but that's not an excuse. If I'm going to write then I really need to do it.

I know that I also need to do it outside of the home. I can't do it here. I'm powerless over Internet porn. Maybe if I write I'll realize it. Until I deal with it though, it's tough for me to work at home. On the one hand, I guess an almost 45 year-old man who can get off four times a day isn't so bad. But it is a time sucker and I know it's not about sex. It's about taking myself out of myself.

There is this real cool coffee shop just a few blocks away. I could even walk there if I wanted to not worry about parking. I need to just start going there and trying to write. Especially on a night like this when I don't have anything going on. I thought I might have a date tonight, but not the case. I'm OK with that too. I've been dating this one girl for about five weeks and it is going fine. I like her but am not in any rush to jump into anything. I don't feel I'm head-over-heels but then again the last few times I've gone that route it really hasn't worked it out so well, as we all know.

She's pretty, in her late-30s, never married. She's slightly damaged, which is good for me. She's in between careers. Good sense of humor. We're going very slow on the physical stuff and I'm OK with that too. The minute you sleep together, it ups the ante and no need to jump into anything.

I have a date with someone else tomorrow night. It's a second date with this girl someone in the program set me up with. She's much younger, 30 or 32. My friend didn't realize what a geezer I was.

I don't really want to date multiple people, this just worked out that way. The one I'm going out with tomorrow is nice but I'm not sure. I figure this next date will decide if I want a third and really complicate things. Of course, the first girl and I have no agreement and we've hardly fooled around besides some making out so really, not doing anything bad here.

I got a raise at work! I took a pretty big pay cut to come back to journalism and this raise is nice. I'm not back to where I was nor would I expect that to happen. But I'm now making the most I've ever made as a reporter and the raise I got was 30%!!

Going to DC next week. My brother is having a heart operation. It's not major. I mean anything they slice you open and play with your heart, it's major. But this should be fairly routine. Nonetheless, it is important to go back and show up. It's what I do.

I'm really glad I'm back here in LA even if I'm at home on a Saturday night. It's the first Saturday I've been alone for a long time so really is not that big a deal.

I will once again pledge to try to write more. I only have four or five of you readers so I should at least do this a few times a week.

By the way, Pandora is a great music site.