Laurina

Laurina was a girl I met in New York in the program. She was dark, jaded, beautiful, and damaged. Naturally I fell for her. She made it clear upfront that she wasn't looking to date. And for once I accepted something at face value and we became good friends. We'd hang out with each other. Talk on the phone, Text one another. When Melissa pulled away, Laurina was there for me. I'll never forget a cold night in New York when my heart was broken and she and I roamed around the East Village and hung out for hours. I needed human contact and she was there.

She wasn't much on the compassion front and certainly wasn't really ever a good listener or a sympathetic shoulder to cry on. She had her own baggage and her own demons and I guess us together made us forget ourselves for just a little bit.

Laurina disappeared before I left New York. She was always struggling with her writing and trying to make ends meed in various temp jobs. Laurina was not cut out for office work. Her dream was to be a writer in the mountains somewhere. I guess she got a little down and took off for awhile either to Maryland where her brother was or Massachusetts where the rest of her family lived. Either way, I didn't see her before I left for Los Angeles.

It's not like I didn't try. I emailed her. I sent texts. I left messages. I even called her friend to try to get in touch with her. And since I've been out here, I tried too. I never get a response. I know she's back in New York and back in the meeting we used to go to. I wish she'd get in touch with me. I'm through trying. I used to get angry about it. But it's her, not me. It's not personal and she is probably completely unaware how much it hurt that she never responded to my efforts to get in touch with her.

I sometimes wonder if I confuse my feelings for Melissa with Laurina. I went for Melissa not long after Laurina had passed on my offer of a date. I think I was hungry for something and the someone didn't matter so much. If you had to say on paper who I had more in common with and who I had more of a connection to, it would be Laurina hands down.

But I don't sit here pining for Laurina. I'm writing about her just because she's someone who was very important in my life for a short time. She was someone who probably helped me more than she'll ever know. And I guess if she doesn't know, why should I be surprised that she could move on to a world without me without a missing a beat.

I think I attach too much to people. I probably think too highly of myself in all this too. Tonight I'm worried that it's been now a full 48 hours since I was with this girl Courtney and we fooled around a lot. I emailed her a little while ago, but I wonder if after you've been in between their thighs you're supposed to call, not email. I sit here and worry that she's thinking less of me when in reality she might be perfectly fine with everything Maybe I'm the sensitive one. Or is that another copout.

Anyway, I've gotten distracted. Tonight I hope my pal Laurina is doing well and maybe one day I'll cross paths with her again.