So rather than look for some Internet porn or watch a rerun of Big Bang, I thought I'd try to hammer out an update.
I'm not ready to resume my fiction efforts but am getting close. Was reading a story I was working on to a date the other night (I know, what a cheap romantic ploy) and it almost got me inspired to start working on it again.
A friend asked if I had lost interest in this. I haven't really. I guess I just am kind of worn out when I get home and either surf the net, do Twitter or watch TV. I need to just do this. I need to disconnect from the world every now and then and this is probably my best way.
Of course, in the course of writing this I distracted myself with Internet porn for ten minutes. Are my thoughts so scary I can't be alone with them without any diversions? Apparently so.
So other than my porn habit still raging out of control I'm fine. Hard to believe I've been here eight months. Frankly 2009 is hard to believe. I went into it thinking I'd found the girl I was going to marry only to have that explode in my face two weeks into January. I let that knock me on my ass. It ultimately led me back to Los Angeles and journalism. A girl I'm dating right now who asked me about my last relationship had these wise words for me about it that I'd thought I'd share.
"When you lose someone, the pain often feels twofold. That's because not only do you now have to mourn the loss of that person, but, and this is what gets us, you're mourning the loss of your dream for who that person MIGHT have been in your life, and what they might have meant for you (a perfect future, happiness, love, etc). That second loss is often more painful because it was so beautiful and perfect ... and unreal. Honor that. And try to let it go."
She's absolutely right, especially the loss of my dream for who she might have been in my life. I hope I can learn from that. I hope I also recognize that anyone with that much insight is worth pursuing. I like her a lot. I'm just not sure my walls are ready to come down yet. She seems very patient and has plenty of walls of her own too and neither of us are in any rush. I like her and if I can get past my own shallowness then who knows.
That said, I really don't want to rush into anything. My history has been meet girl, sleep with girl, have relationship. Basically, I'm the guy who walks on the lot, drives out the first car he sees without checking the transmission or realizing that the guy who owned it before me really fucked up the interior.
I want to test drive lots of cars.
3 comments:
Hi R, biblebangin-longwinded reader checkin in here. Something I appreciate is your honesty and transparency. You don't try to cover your flaws. Not the way I do. All the time. Anyway, Have you ever seen the movie, Fireproof? The guy was addicted to porn. It crushed his wife's spirit and made her feel inadequate. Some girls might go in for watching Porn with you, or perhaps act like that sort of thing doesn't bother them...for a while, but even if this is the case, most women will not respond to a man who is not fully available to them, who can't look them in the eyes when they need to bond, and they know that they are NEVER going to be enough for you. It's one of the most painful things for a woman who loves a man. The best car on the lot can't handle that kind of wear and tear. Rambler, you ever get serious about a real woman, the person who wins your heart and loves you inside and out, you will need to deal of that part of you. I hope you find someone good for you, and when you do...take her for a long drive across the country and get to really LOVE her with all the stinkin flaws and visa versa. Funny, we all wanna be that good car, (come to find out I'm just a Ford Falcon 3 speed on the column!) Cough cough...
Hey, thanks for the note I know I need to address it. It's like the drinking and drugs for me. When I'm in enough pain I will. Hopefully the cost won't be too great.
It's not even that I prefer the porn to a woman. I think I prefer the porn to sitting in my head.
I can't remember the show, but one of the characters said "how could he leave me when I had the whole rest of our lives put together?"
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