Thursday, November 19, 2009


Left for dead.
Finished at 21.
Wouldn't know it to see her today, but she had to pay.
If I can have half her grace maybe I'll find my place.

Sunday, November 15, 2009

Sense of Humor

I wonder what a normal second date is like.

I'm guessing it's not like the one I had tonight. There was nothing wrong with the date I had tonight, mind you, but I wonder what normal is like.

So what happened? Nothing dramatic. We went for Thai food. She ordered something I certainly wouldn't have ordered. Then we went to Groundlings show. It was actually kind of funny and I was enjoying myself. It doesn't happen too often. She left to go to the bathroom and then informed me at intermission that the meal wasn't exactly working for her.

We left, which is fine with me. Then we talked for awhile on the street about different things. I am probably way too open. It is a combination of years of therapy and recovery and, frankly age. I simply don't care anymore. I am who I am. I don't hide myself anymore. I'm an open book. I don't know how to make small talk. I think it is a good thing, but I know it is also disarming.

That has nothing to do with anything. Just sort of talking here. Anyway, she told me that she had quit her job to care for her mother who was dying of cancer. She hadn't really shared that with anyone yet (I mean in dating) and she is still trying to find her way back and get past grieving, etc. I feel for her, I really do. Of course, the last girl I dated broke up with me because her sister had cancer (or so she said that was the reason, a month later she was dating someone else, but I'll go with what she told me) so the irony of now dating someone who is still trying to recover from such a loss is, well, funny. I can see it now. I'll date her for three weeks and start to fall for her. She'll then end it, saying she's not ready and then a month later be with someone else. That's what I do, I help people get to the next stage. It's a tremendous sacrifice on my part but I'm glad to be of service.

Sarcasm aside, I like this girl and would like to know her better and see where it goes and I will certainly ask her out again (which she seems surprised by given her bad stomach and candor). But I'm going in with eyes open. If she's not ready, I'm not going to force anything. I need to protect myself. And if I sound like a jerk here so be it. I've spent my life not taking care of myself first and it hasn't really worked out too well.

She already knows all my history (like I said, open book).

Still, maybe soon I'll have an ordinary date. You know, the type where you talk about your favorite food and how you like museums and hiking and long walks.

Sunday, November 8, 2009


Can you be Twitter stalked? I just want to know why someone who broke my heart can't seem to decide whether to follow me on Twitter.

I know this sounds really stupid and trivial and it is, but put yourself in my shoes. Someone plunges a knife in you. Your response is to respect that. You don't pursue them after they've dropped you. You don't humiliate yourself or make them think that you are going to try to win them back even after your own path has brought you back to the city you left ten years ago that she happens to live in. She even goes out of her way to make clear that she's not interested by sending you a note letting you know she's with someone else. You wish her happiness and move on.

Except every few months she starts following your stupid twitter feed. Then she disappears. Then she comes back. Then she goes. Then she asks why you don't follow hers. You explain that for your own protection you just don't really want to, etc. She claims to understand and then later stops following you. And now she's started again.

I shouldn't care but it is annoying. She doesn't need to do it for work. Yes, we're both reporters covering the same business but frankly all my stuff gets put out on Twitter through another feed anyway so....

I'm going to see her next week (I know this because we will both likely be covering the same event) and I will again resist the urge to ask what the fuck is up with her and my Twitter feed. I'm tempted just to say I don't care one way or another but could you just make up your mind. Of course, any gesture on my part is giving up the power. Not that I have any, but she doesn't need to know that.

Yeah, this was a waste of six paragraphs but I just had to get it out of me. And yes, I could just block her but again that seems trivial.