I was driving tonight and I went past a photo frame store and it took me back to just after my mom died and going to a store to by frames to put her pictures in for the memorial we held for her.
Instantly the tear in my heart reopened as I remembered those days just after her passing. I tried to keep myself busy then so I wouldn't have to really feel my grief. I think I did the same thing in her final days. I knew the end was near and I sat in her hospital room and tried to be present but if I could find a distraction, I leapt at it. I did that for two reasons. One was to protect her from seeing my lose it. I did my best but still broke down towards the end when she was still conscious. She asked if I was crying and I said yes. She didn't ask why. She didn't need to.
But I was also trying to protect myself. I've put walls around me from the moment I got out of the womb. Those walls were crucial for me but they have also kept me apart from the world. They blocked pain but they also blocked love.
Those walls need to come down now. They are not protecting me. They are holding me back and they have to go.
2 comments:
Good to see you are still writing! I am going to get back to the writing game again. I have been focused on my music and not my blog. I hope all is well!
Just wanted you to know that I'm still out here....listening.
We stumble on life, stumble through life then stumble and leave this life, all without very much understanding.
I envy your tears.
Howard
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