What's Your Score?

I used to have big credit card debt. It came from my lifestyle. I've paid it all off and now am debt free which is another potential problem. While I have credit cards, I never use them. I have large savings, a CD, a checking account, mutual funds, etc.

What I don't have is $10,000 in credit card debt.

And this could be a problem. I tried to get my credit score but flubbed the test when I couldn't remember the name of the parent company of the parent company that employed me 17years ago. I've got one more agency to try to get my credit score, which I sure is good because I've never missed payments (when I had them) or had creditors on my ass.

Nonetheless, it's a sad state of affairs when being responsible is a liability.

Out of Order

So my Mac Book is in the shop for the next week. That means even fewer posts and, more importantly, NO PORN. What will I do?

On a secondary note, as if I needed further reminder that my dead relationship is really dead, I was defriended on Facebook by her. Nevermind that we have 50 mutual friends, many of whom would be more than happy to look on her page for me, I just wonder what the point was. New boyfriend? Closing an already closed door? Who knows.

Back To The 310 (or will it be 323?)

It's official. Rambler is taking the show to the coast. I have about a month to pack up my life and start again. I'm not doing it for money and I'm not doing it for love.

So why am I doing it?

I came back to New York almost ten years ago for a dream job. There was a girl here too, but within a year of me being back here we'd broken up. We won't get into the fact that the dream job turned out to be anything but. A lot of that was my fault, a lot of it was circumstance. Whatever. We will not regret the past.

In that time, I never changed my driver's license. I went down to the DMV a few times but got annoyed. I never had all the right forms. They wanted a social security number. The line was too long. I always found a reason not to do it.

The truth is, I didn't want to get a NY license. I didn't want to shut the door on Los Angeles and although it was only symbolic, to me getting that New York license was doing just that. Keeping the California one was like an escape hatch in my wallet.

Whenever I land at LAX, I feel like I'm home. Whenever I land at Kennedy or La Guardia I don't feel anything. I smile when I drive past that Randy's Donut Shop. Conversely, I grimace driving past that awful looking Trump Nursing home. I love looking at the hills and the lights when I go up La Cienega. You get the idea.

I will have to start over. I have friends there but many are now married, kids, etc. Obviously I won't be spending my Fridays and Saturdays at the Formosa and Three of Clubs and Burgundy Room anymore. Those days are over and even if they weren't, I'm too fucking old for that shit.

The fellowship in LA is not New York. It will be a challenge. On the other hand, it is also a more laid back town so maybe the craziness that can hit me here won't hit as hard there or can be resolved by a nice drive.

There are a few who think I'm being motivated by a skirt. I had been thinking about this long before that and we all know how I felt about my current job. It was a life boat when I needed it but it's time to give the game one more shot and see if I have anything left. If I don't I move on.

Back to the girl. I won't sit here and say that I don't have thoughts in the back of my mind. That would be a lie. But that is not my motivation unless it is buried so deep that I can't see it. I'm a pretty smart guy. I think I'd see that.

I think I see a lot now. Anyway, I'll have new things to bitch about out there. No Duane Reade out there but they do have CVS. And those annoying pedestrians...

Speaking of Which

One door closes and a window opens.

Rambler may very well be headed West...either the world's biggest geographic or a much need jump start. Either way, if I do it I'll have gotten myself back in the game in a big way. Just hope I'm not Brett Favre with the Jets.

How I Feel

This just makes me want to punch a wall, fire up a Marlboro, and do 90 MPH on the Santa Monica Freeway

I Am Out There

Shit has been a week already.

Spent the weekend in L.A. Love racing around on the 10 when traffic is good. No, I didn't drive up and down someone's street like it was high school. I steered clear of that side of town.

Well, I don't think I can take this particular position. The gut just won't let it happen. The economics would be crazy and while Im willing to take a cut for the right thing, this doesn't feel like it.

That said, there is another rabbit in a hat that the gut likes better. And then there's a crazy rabbit walking towards the hat that would just be too insane to think about.

No matter what these are good problems to have. Knocking on doors is how you make things happen. Even if nothing comes of all this, I am out there.

I wish I had more to say, more to write, more to anything.

I almost passed out on the flight home last night. I hadn't eaten much and became weak and went to get a drink and was all shaky and attendant actually asked if I was going through alcohol withdrawal. I said if I am it's three and-a-half years late. Then we started talking about sobriety. They also gave me some free grub, which I woofed down.

That's about it on the excitement level.

Oh and someone wants to see about using my poetry for lyrics. I just need one hit!

Without Me

Are you allowed to smile
Look so happy
Be so free
Without me

Can't even pretend
That the time meant something
Even for a little while
Without me

Not sure why I do this
Keep looking at your face
Keep reading your page
Without me

Don't know why
This doesn't get better
Will I ever be whole
Without me

Hang Your Balls Out There

I am up very late tonight. Once again contemplating the crazy. Do I dare disturb the universe?

Right now, I have a secure job for at least a year or so. Even if the economy really tanks even worse, I would probably be secure.

I would also be unhappy. I don't like my job. I don't like begging people to be on panels. I'm not good at it because I don't believe what I'm selling and I do it in a half-ass fashion.

I've been looking for a new job for over a year. I've kicked a lot of tires. Some I wanted and some I didn't. I didn't get any anyway so it didn't matter.

Now there is a possibility for a reporting job. I know. Rambler back into the jungle? Can I still do it? Will my comeback be more Kurt Warner or more Brett Favre?

And it's for a start-up website. Complete insanity. The pay cut would be huge. The potential for reward is there, but seriously... Oh, and I have to move to L.A. And no, this isn't about the ex-gf out there. Yes, I'm still hurting but I have this weird feeling that if I were to bump into her that after about three minutes of conversation I'd wonder how I'd ever let myself get so down about this.

I digress. In my favor? I'm single. I have no debt. I can take a risk.

But do I want to be unemployed in a year or two if this thing flops?

Most would say play it safe. And I probably will. But a part of me says fuck it. Take the risk. Whatever happens happens. I'll be O.K no matter what.

I'm not going to do anything crazy. I'm flying out there next week to check this thing out and see for myself and really get a sense of the place and if I feel it can last and that I can last in it.

"That's how you become great. Hang your balls out there"--Jerry Maguire