Sitting in Starbucks in Beverly Hills wondering why. I'm here in my suit. I look like everyone else. I have a job and a home and people who care about me and all these other things and yet at times I can feel completely empty.
This is not a woe is me post. It's been way too long since I wrote in this thing. I'm so damn busy with work and so damn stupid with my time when I'm not at work that I don't take the lousy 15 minutes a day it would take me to put something here so the record is complete.
I'm killing time before a work dinner. Truth is I'd rather not go to the dinner. I'd rather go to a meeting. I'd rather just go somewhere and not have to be on. I always feel I have to be on. I have to be something or someone. It's exhausting.
Last night I went to see the person I'm dating. She's nice and sweet and all those things. But is it enough? Of course not. Because she can never be enough. The one before or after couldn't either. And that's because I haven't accepted that I'm enough. Until I do that, nothing else matters.
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On/Off. I really like that idea. We all need off time. Someone once described 'off' as akin to putting the brain in the freezer until tomorrow. Thaw....As far as finding love and loving: Not that I have ever known true love but, uh... I think good relationships are built over a period of time and without premature sexual relations. With patience. And understanding, allowing for a certain closeness and distance over time, which builds trust and respect. It's nurturing. You will help each other through troubles and allow for failures and weakness without having to change, commit or run. If one person does freak out and run off, you give them that space and leave it alone until the next cycle. If it hurts too much then you step back and always keep your boundaries. You seem to want to keep your body and soul clean and well. THere are all these things people do for distraciton which are probably not healthy, which are trigger depression. I suggest proper diet, rest and exercise. Water and vitamins. Prayer to God, music, serving others, and smiling as much as you can without looking like a fookin fool. Endorphins. Keep up your good humor and find something which is really fun to do in between "OFF" times. Be well Rambler. I miss the west coast.
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