Reading list

Just so no one thinks I'm wasting all my time. I am reading a book -- "The Savage City" by T.J. English -- about New York in the 1960s and 70s.

I have always been most fascinated by New York during that time. English, author of The Westies, examines the aftermath of a high profile crime -- the career girl murders -- and uses that as a basis to explorerace relations, police corruption and the anger and violence that tore through Fun City.

I'm only about one-third through it, but it is a great read. It is a good companion book to Vincent Cannato's "The Ungovernable City: John Lindsay's New York And The Crisis Of Liberalism." Cannato captures the political battles of that era while English nails life on the street.

I don't know why such a dark period fascinates me so much, but New York just seemed so much more real and gritty then. Anything could happen good or bad and it often did. It sounds crazy to say I would have liked to live there in that era but I realy would. Anyone got a time machine?

Otherwise, I'm still reading lots of Lawrence Block and George Pelecanos.

And one day I'll have my own noir book done. Really. Maybe when I'm 50.

Starting to think

Starting to think
That I waste too much time

Starting to think
That I'm losing my mind

Starting to think
That the end is getting near

Starting to think
I'm losing to fear

Starting to think
That I'll end up alone

Want to be alone

Want to be alone
Except when I'm lonely

Want to be alone
Except when you're not around

Want to be alone
Except when I really am

Jeez

Man I'm getting bad at keeping this thing going.

Sorry.

Got a birthday coming up. Sucks!

Keep It Simple

Sometimes miss those early days
All I had to do was cling to that seat
Let the wall hold me up
Each minute was an hour and each hour a day

All that mattered was getting through the moment
The future didn't exist and the past didn't matter
Just live in the day it was that simple
As long as I was strong, I'd be around

The feeling that came at the end of the day
Knowing I'd gotten through another one
Each day the scars healing a little more
Each day my body and heart a little less sore

Now those days are long gone
Replaced by the worries that I used to spend all my time escaping from
They're back again. Less scary and less menacing
But nonetheless still lurking in my head

Five years down the road from those cold seats in that little room
Those dark nights and lost souls
Clinging together to create hope
It was so simple then

When

When?

When does it stop hurting?
When can I stop looking away?
When can I see you and not feel ripped apart?
When can I see you and not have it break my heart?

From across the room I see you.
I get that cold chill in my chest.
From across the room I hear you.
And and I lose my breath.

When?

It sucks.

Reality Check

Happy Thanksgiving.

For all the angst, rants, blood, pain and loss that I spill here, the truth of the matter is I have nothing to bitch about. I have a place to be today and family to see today and friends to call today and a bed to sleep in today.

Do I really need anything else? I have people who love me and that I love. I have a job that allows me to express myself and to use my mind. I am one of the fortunate ones. Sure, I've had plenty of downs, but I see a lot more people with a lot more happiness with a hell of a lot less than I have and I can learn from them.

I got up today and went to a meeting. It's the same meeting I've been to for six years in a row now down in Dupont Circle. I see a lot of the same faces and it gives me strength. I have many regrets in life -- who doesn't -- but the one thing I don't regret is a decision I made over five years ago to walk away from my self-destructive ways.

I am still writing for fun, just not here lately. At some point, I will put some of the story I'm working on up here. Now that I'm back to writing full time, it is tough for me to find the time to do this too.

But I do need to find the time because we only have so much time anyway.

I'm going to spare you the usual bleakness that fills my screens today. It is a good day and I have no complaints.

Peace out!