Rainy Night

Rain pounding down on the empty city streets. 
Dreams washed away along with the blood of another day. 
The doorways are filled with lost souls trying to stay dry.
From the tears of desperation pouring from the sky.

If I Can Make It There...

I'm back in New York for a week or so on business. I hate to say it, but it finally no longer feels like home to me.

Don't get me wrong, I still love walking the streets. The women are sexier here. The men are dressed better.  The subway is still a potpourri of characters that couldn't exist anywhere else.

At the same time though much of the magic seems gone. It's not just that everything has gotten so expensive (and it has, my beloved Sparkling Ice Pink Grapefruit costs twice as much here as it does in L.A.), it also the loss of that feeling that anything can happen here at any time.

I'm not saying I wouldn't come back here. But I can't see trading my big one bedroom in L.A. for a tiny one here that would cost more. I'm too old to climb five flights of stairs.

I'm sitting here in a hotel room listening to "The Only Living Boy in New York" and thinking it sounded better on my car radio driving down Pico Blvd.

Another factor, of course, is the realization that there isn't anything here for me anymore. My father's gone. My brother  lives in Queens. I don't have many friends here anymore. I go to my old AA meetings and recognize about 20% of the people. 

Of course, there's not much for me in Los Angeles either. 

At least it's good to know I know a geographic is not the answer. 

Trapped

Don't have the energy
To get through the day
Don't have the strength
To go outside these walls
Lost in a sea of voices
All telling me no hope
Fell of the rails
Wish it wasn't so
Only thing holding me together
Is I'm not not ready to go
Dark clouds following me everywhere
Have to pull over sometimes
So I don't drive off the side of the road
Didn't know I'd miss you so much
Sat there trapped in my head when you took your last breath
Still afraid to say what I was feeling
Still afraid to live and fight.
Now I'm still trapped in the place
And it's such a fucking waste.

It's On You

Saw that same old lost look
Eyes that have given up
Looking for anyone to blame
Ready to lay it all on someone else

Can't get saved unless you're worth saving
Looking for someone to pull you out
It's on you to grab the rope and climb
No one's going in after you

Proof

Sitting in traffic
Staring into space
Wondering where I'm at
Thinking it's all a waste

Light turns green
I don't want to move
Just want to be seen
Just want some proof

That I'm alive
That I exist
That I'm real
That I cry

See you not seeing me
Hear you not listening to me
Want to grab you by your hair
Just to show you I'm there

That I'm alive
That I exist
That I'm real
That I cry

Feel so tired

Feel it

No point in running
It will find you
No point in hiding
Your lies won't protect you
Feel those last seconds
When she squeezed your hand
As she took her last breath
And there was nothing you could do
But remember all things left unsaid
That you'll now carry with you
Until it's your turn.

All The Times

All the times I let the phone go to voicemail
All the times I tried to get off the phone
All the times I hid from you
All the times I just thought you'd always be there
All the times I said to myself they'll be another chance later to talk
All the times I stayed away
All the times I didn't come home
All the times we stared at each other in silence
All the times I thought, next time I'll say I love you
All the times are all I'm left with
For the rest of time.