The Zevon of it all

Yes, I realize my verses of late are on the grim side. But think of them as lyrics to Warren Zevon song. His words were dark and his music upbeat. "Poor Poor Pitful Me," "Excitable Boy," "Splendid Isolation." Depressing lyrics but great music.

Now I just need someone to write the music.

Just for a second

Wake up and someone else is gone

Just another reminder

That I've got more days behind me than I do in front

And I don't have much to show for it

Don't want to look back and wonder what it was all for

Don't want to look back wishing I'd done more

Don't want to look back thinking about unsettled scores

Just want to feel at peace

Go to bed and someone else gone

Just another reminder

My day is nearly done

And I've lost the strength to run

Used to laugh at what made the old man cry

Now I know he was thinking about his time to die

It's the little things that cut our hearts open

And leave us totally broken

Can't remember what happened yesterday

It seems so long ago

But I can tell you every detail of a day long since past

That I'd give anything to have back again 

Just for a second

Medley

Long walk down an empty street
Only noise is what's in my head
Heart feels empty and beat
And no one's waiting in my bed

Starting to wonder what for
Want a little relief from the pain
That's all, not much more
Just something for my veins

Holding out on myself
Not exactly sure why
Feelings falling off shelf
But I still can't cry

Paying for the past
Alone in this room
Not sure I can outlast
This feeling of gloom

Don't know where this is headed
But I know I'll be ready
For whatever is fated
In this sad medley

Rainy Night

Rain pounding down on the empty city streets. 
Dreams washed away along with the blood of another day. 
The doorways are filled with lost souls trying to stay dry.
From the tears of desperation pouring from the sky.

If I Can Make It There...

I'm back in New York for a week or so on business. I hate to say it, but it finally no longer feels like home to me.

Don't get me wrong, I still love walking the streets. The women are sexier here. The men are dressed better.  The subway is still a potpourri of characters that couldn't exist anywhere else.

At the same time though much of the magic seems gone. It's not just that everything has gotten so expensive (and it has, my beloved Sparkling Ice Pink Grapefruit costs twice as much here as it does in L.A.), it also the loss of that feeling that anything can happen here at any time.

I'm not saying I wouldn't come back here. But I can't see trading my big one bedroom in L.A. for a tiny one here that would cost more. I'm too old to climb five flights of stairs.

I'm sitting here in a hotel room listening to "The Only Living Boy in New York" and thinking it sounded better on my car radio driving down Pico Blvd.

Another factor, of course, is the realization that there isn't anything here for me anymore. My father's gone. My brother  lives in Queens. I don't have many friends here anymore. I go to my old AA meetings and recognize about 20% of the people. 

Of course, there's not much for me in Los Angeles either. 

At least it's good to know I know a geographic is not the answer. 

Trapped

Don't have the energy
To get through the day
Don't have the strength
To go outside these walls
Lost in a sea of voices
All telling me no hope
Fell of the rails
Wish it wasn't so
Only thing holding me together
Is I'm not not ready to go
Dark clouds following me everywhere
Have to pull over sometimes
So I don't drive off the side of the road
Didn't know I'd miss you so much
Sat there trapped in my head when you took your last breath
Still afraid to say what I was feeling
Still afraid to live and fight.
Now I'm still trapped in the place
And it's such a fucking waste.

It's On You

Saw that same old lost look
Eyes that have given up
Looking for anyone to blame
Ready to lay it all on someone else

Can't get saved unless you're worth saving
Looking for someone to pull you out
It's on you to grab the rope and climb
No one's going in after you