Up in the Air

For some reason the only time I really feel like writing in this thing these days is when I'm on a plane. Perhaps it is because I can't make the usual excuses I make to avoid posting here like there's something on TV or I've got important masturbating to do.

I'm flying back from Atlanta where I went for my niece's college graduation. Very quick trip but it was also quite nice. I will be wiped out by the time I get home and I have to get up extra early tomorrow for work. These are luxury problems. I'm 51 and I make a good living and have a nice home.

So where is Rambler at these days?

The job is good. There are challenges. I am well paid but at the same time it is getting tougher and tougher to get into the paper. This has nothing to do with my work and everything to do with a shrinking news hole and a large and talented staff. The editors are literally telling us to write less. This, in theory, is an opportunity for me to work on distinctive feature stories instead of focusing on cranking copy, which is what I usually do. But, as they say, it is tough to teach an old dog new tricks. And I am an old dog now.

The personal life is in transition but when isn't it. The woman I am involved with is finally exiting a marriage that has been dead for some time (before I ever entered the picture). She has a new apartment she is moving into with her two kids and soon hopefully we will be able to see each other a little more and eventually if all goes well I can be phased into the rest of her life. This is a long-term project and I'm in no rush. Just hoping it all works.

As for the writing, well as this blog indicates writing for myself doesn't come easy for me. I actually have an opportunity to pursue a book but it is a book about the TV industry and to be honest that kind of book has never really appealed to me. The way I see it, I'm doing all the grunt work for the other people who swoop in and write books about the business. And I'm not complaining. It's my strength. I'd be lying to say the idea of book isn't intimidating. But I'm not sure if it is fear that is keeping me from embracing this opportunity or a lack of interest.

So what am I interested in? I still have dreams of a noir book or heck maybe even something akin to Lawrence Block meets Chuck Palahniuk. A little noir, a little violence, a little erotica all mixed together.

So why don't I? Well there is where fear and excuses and laziness kick in. I need to get off my rear and take a shot for if for no one else. I've often said I don't care if I get something published, I just want to get something finished. Of course, to do that I actually have to start something too!

Yes, I've started stuff on this site and some of it may even play into a bigger project. I'm always torn between a series of short stories or a novel. However, just sitting here typing this makes me thing the short stories is the way to go. It can be a mix of fact and fiction or autobiographical. I know, look at the ego on this guy. But I don't mean an autobiography as in look at how fascinating my life has been. I mean ten or 12 short funny stories in my life. I'm pretty sure between my childhood and some of my amusing adventures as a drunk I can muster that up!

It's time to shut this down. No, I'm not landing. But I'm not ready to takeoff yet either.

Sucks, Don't It

Burnt out and overwhelmed
Uninspired and undesired
Life goes faster while I move slower
The days fade into weeks
The weeks into months
The months into years
The losses pile up
And the victories vanish in the night
But I get up every morning
To stay in the race
Keep the young punks at bay
Knowing they'll be where I'm at soon enough
And it will be there turn to be edged out
Of their place and their space
Sucks, don't it?

Why Feel When You Can Pay

Felt the most wonderful sadness today
Got taken there by David Grey
A song that made me remember
A lost heart and a cold December

Thought she'd stick around
Instead she beat it out of town
Left me hanging in the wind
Wanting to go back to sin

Easier that way they say
Why feel when you can pay
Run from the light
Stop putting up a fight

Go to the edge of the river
And let that cold water deliver
The solution you've avoided for so long
The one that will make those feelings gone

Sat on edge staring out for a while
Until the night reduced me to a scared child
Fell asleep under a dying oak tree
And decided better that tree than me

Good and True

Too much time has slipped away
For me to lose one more day
Waiting around for you to see
The path back to me

Not getting any younger
Not getting any stronger
Just getting older
And maybe a little slower

Gotten used to being alone
That doesn't mean my seed's been sown
Still have something left to give
If you'll just let me live

Brown hair turning to grey
Every morning's two pills a day
Body's gone from rubber to cardboard
And if it's less than a quarter it stays on the floor

But I can still get up to speed
If you'll just come to me
Promise I won't go away
If you hold me every day

Will love you with all there is in me
You'll finally have that peace to let your head be
and what comes with you I'll love too
With all that's good and true

Well this is pathetic

Jeez,  six months with nothing new? Six months since I regurgitated an old post on Christmas. Six months and Rambler has nothing to say. No new stories? No new drama? No new laughs?

None of the above. I just haven't been motivated enough to sit here and cut a vein and let some blood spill out.  I'll try now.

On the professional front things couldn't be better. There indeed can be second acts and mine is going pretty well so far. No regrets at all. Sure there are occasional headaches but being far away from HQ makes it real easy for me to just focus on my world and not get distracted by other noise.

On the personal front things couldn't be muddier. Relationship drama continues. I won't get too specific here to protect the innocent but lets just say I'm learning some valuable lessons and handling a messy situation the best I can.

Good god that sounded lame. Maybe this is why I haven't been on here too much lately. I self censor.

Fluff is good. On heart meds but doing really well. Still miss Skinny.

I may have to back to rants against institutions, culture and the day-to-day struggles.

It'll be a lot more interesting than this shit.

Christmas Eve

Those old days are gone
You and me and a dark bar
Pretending nothing hurt
And this was the way it was supposed to be
Stay there until they threw us out
Grab more beer on the way home
Between that and the snow
Could make it to the end of the night
And sleep through the day
Two lost souls stuck together
Out of desperation and darkness
Just one more smoke, one more beer
And maybe we won't wake up here

Remembering Skinny

Hard to believe that it's already been six months since Skinny moved on. I miss him every day as does his brother Fluff. Interestingly, Fluff has started to pick up some of Skinny's habits. He now hops up on the desk when I'm working and even tries chewing cords but his heart isn't in it. That's good because while I miss Skinny, I don't miss buying new Mac power cords every three months.

Work is good these days. I'm back at the place I was chased out of eight years ago. It's good to be there again and to not only prove I did belong but also do better job than I did the first time around.

On the personal front there isn't much new. I'm in love with a woman who is not available ... yet. I'm holding out hope and she says she wants to be with me. We'll see.

That's it for now. No great works of literature yet. Just a daily grind.