So Very Empty

Found myself thinking of those last days.
You in bed and me at your side
Feeding you, putting vaseline on your dry lips
Bringing the water cup to your mouth for a sip
Wish I had said more.
You taught me how to shut down so long ago
That I couldn't break free when it mattered
Learned all that from you
And now it is tearing me up
Don't remember when exactly you slipped away
Or what the last words were, yours or mine
Kept dying a secret as long as you could
Until you finally gave out
Now I don't know what to do with these feelings
My emptiness is now so very empty

Your Lover

Got your two bottles
A different store every day
Not that anyone cares
But you need to keep up appearances
Maybe buy some nuts too
Make them think some friends are coming by
Even though the only friends you have
Are those bottles in that bag
And they don't care who knows
That tonight they're your lover
And tomorrow they'll be gone

4 AM
The only noises are the voices in my head
And the sounds of these letters as I type
Rain and wind fill the outside
But inside is too quiet
Home yet not home
A stranger on familiar ground
Was I really from here once
It seems real but I can't be too sure
Need someone to tell me about me
Because I don't remember too much
The streets are the same but the blocks have changed
Like a detective looking for clues
About a person of interest who's gone missing
Was I really ever here at all?

Divorce

When my parents first told me they were splitting up, I felt nothing. But I knew I was supposed to feel something. So I forced myself to cry. Then I asked if I could stay home from school.

Mom said no.

Foiled again.

Yeah

Smash
Shatter
Punch
Demolish
Demons
Pain
Anguish
Guilt
Bullshit
Take
Give
Fuck
Me
You
And
Everything
Else
Too

Find the groove again

I have recently connected with someone I went to high school with. Truth is, I didn't really know this person in high school but thanks to the miracle of Facebook, we've become friends of sorts. I've shared with her some of my writings and the address to this place. So who knows, maybe she is reading this as I write.

Anyway, I want to thank her for making me think about words again. I, of course, use words every day at work. Unfortunately, that writing doesn't fill the hole in me but it does make me just tired enough to stop trying to write here or in a notebook.

I know I've written a million times before that I need to start writing for myself again. Maybe if I keep reminding myself eventually it will sink in.

In the meantime, I'll write it here and hope for the best.

I also have a ton of books to get through.

I just thought I'd update here. In case anyone is wondering, Rambler is still rambling. He just does most of it in his head now.

Goodbye Lou

There is nothing I can say about  Lou Reed that hasn't been said more eloquently by better people than me.

All I'll say is that Rock n Roll Animal was the first album I ever bought. All I'll say is Lou was real and made me feel real. When I wanted to feel down he could take me there. And when I needed to be reminded that life wasn't all shit, I could just listen to Sweet Jane and everything would be alright.

Thank you Lou, for all the great music and a few funny memories that maybe I'll share someday.

Those were different times.