Why It Works

I'm rapidly approaching four years without a drink or a drug. Tonight I remembered how it works. I was at a meeting and a guy with thirty days shared about the problems he was having with the "God" thing. He wasn't sure whether he could stick or adjust or pray or anything. (On a side note, the AA out here is very fundamentalist compared to New York. I don't have a God problem, but I don't like it hammered into me either and they do that a little out here)

Afterwards I reached out to the guy and we talked for about twenty minutes. I told him that for now all he had to worry about was not drinking or drugging. The rest will happen when it happens. I've seen too many people get caught up in a lot of semantics when all they should really be focusing on is staying clean. There's a sign on the wall of Perry Street that says, "There's no wrong way to get sober." That's the most important thing you need to know.

I have no idea if this kid will stick or not. I was told long ago that when you reach out to someone you are doing it for yourself just as much as you are for them. I get that now.

I don't always talk this frankly about my recovery here. Yes, I write some dark poems and sometimes I relive the bad old days in my head and sometimes I miss it. But I also know that there is a good chance I wouldn't be here if I hadn't gotten straight. I don't mean to me melodramatic and I'm not saying I'd have died in action. What I mean is I was already dead spiritually and headed that way physically. I couldn't look in the mirror. I hated everything.

I am aware now. I am there for other people as much as I can be. I show up for stuff. I buy my niece a birthday gift rather than say I will and then forget. I call my mother. I send my Dad's wife a card thanking her for letting me stay at their place for a week. These are all things many people do without thinking about it, but for me it had to be learned. Everything had to be learned and I'm learning it now.

My self-loathing kept me from so much in this world. I am still full of self-loathing but it is not nearly as bad as it was before September of 2005. I own my life now. I don't drink and drug at people. I don't need to drink to feel or to not feel. I can do it all on my own. It's not always fun. The first three months of this year was brutal. The pain I felt took me to a place that I never would've let myself get to if I was still drinking. And I wouldn't have taken the chances I did if I was drinking either. I'm better for all of it.

I still find it hard to believe I blew up my life and moved back to Los Angeles. So far, I have no regrets. It's tougher work and I'm earning a lot less, but I feel more alive than in a long time. I'm still adjusting to the program here and all this other shit, but tonight I was reminded what it was all about and why it works.

And for that I'm grateful.