She's Nothing But Trouble X

So here we all sat in East Harlem. Me, the 40-ish event planner on night one of his relapse. My hot co-worker who I finally had sex with and now wishes I hadn't. Her drug dealer who may actually be sober and his hot friend or boss or partner who definitely wasn't.

Oh, and the mystery behind door number two. Yes, it was turning into quite the Friday night.

You ever have one of those nights where you feel like you are watching a movie of yourself? You know this is not going to turn out well and yet you can't stop. You have to see how it ends rather than walk out now in once piece. That's how I felt. This was not going to turn out well.

Tino sat back down and watched us drink. I suddenly had to get off that couch, at least for a second.

"I have to go to the bathroom, is that all right?," I asked in my best Michael Corleone.

Tino pointed down the hall and said, "sure." I was kind of disappointed that he didn't say, "you gotta go, you gotta go."

I got up from the couch and walked down the hall. The bathroom was in between door number three and door number two. I walked quietly down the hall, went into the bathroom and shut the door as quietly as I could. There was no lock on the door. I put my ear next to the wall but couldn't really hear anything from door number two. I heard a lot of clicking. A video game? Maybe. At least one person in there though. I unzipped my pants and started to take a loud piss. I even grabbed a cup, filled it with water and poured that down the toilet. Then I opened the window, which was too small to climb out of and there was no escape there anyway. There was a tiny ledge.

Then I looked in the medicine cabinet. I saw a bottle of pills. It said Xanax. I grabbed three and put them in my pocket. I'd need them for the come down later. I flushed and jiggled the handle and then, for some reason unbeknownst to me, I opened up the top of the toilet. I don't know what I was expecting to find. I was probably hoping for a gun or a big bag of blow. Every few months you'd read a story in The Post about some homeless guy finding a kilo in an abandoned couch. This was better. Sealed up in plastic bags were stacks of bills. I'm not crazy. As tempting as it was it would take them about seven seconds to figure out where their money went.

I washed up and came back to the living room. Lucia was now sitting next to Audrey looking at her jewelry and Tino was on the other side of Audrey. Great, I was being squeezed out. I took Lucia's chair, picked up the tray and did a line. Then I took a swig and lit a cigarette. I did all this too fast and started to dry heave a little. I was starting to remember why I gave this shit up. The self-loathing. The coughing and puking. The finding yourself in scary apartments with drug dealers. Yeah, good times.

"You OK, sweetie?" Audrey asked.

"Yeah," I said gasping a little. "Just went down the wrong way," I added before taking a swig of beer.

"Really?," Lucia said. "You know how to go down the right way, because I haven't found a boy yet who does."

I swallowed my beer, laughed and said, "I don't get too many complaints."

Lucia turned to Audrey and started stroking her hair.

"What about that honey, does he do you right?"

Audrey's body tensed to Lucia's touch.

"Damn girl, chill. I'm not going to bite you, as much as I want to."

"Sorry," Audrey said, "that's not my thing."

"Don't be sorry," Lucia said. "Night's still early."

Audrey looked at me and grabbed her purse.

"Bathroom's down the hall right?" she asked. Tino nodded. Audrey got up and headed to the bathroom.

"Why you gotta fuck with everyone like that," Tino asked Lucia as Audrey shut the bathroom door.

"Fuck you, that bitch is too uptight," she said, before turning to me, "no offense."

I finished my cigarette and smiled. Lucia grabbed the tray and fueled up and handed it to me. I knew I didn't need anymore but does anyone ever turn it down when it's right in front of you? I did a tiny bit, not wanting a repeat of the heaves.

Then the toilet flushed and a few seconds later Audrey came back into the room.

"Well, we should probably be going," she said, putting her arm on my shoulder and squeezing hard.

I started to get up and grab my jacket.

"Do we have everything," I asked.

"Yes, we're good, " Audrey said.

She walked over to Tino and hugged him good bye then she extended her hand to Lucia, who shook it and then put her other hand on top of Audrey's hand.

"I'm sorry if I freaked you out honey," Lucia said.

"You didn't, but thank you," Audrey said.

"Good," Lucia said before leaning close and whispering something in Audrey's ear before gently biting and kissing it. Then she let her hand go.

"Well, on that note...," I said.

We started to walk down the hall, past door number two and the front door.

"Come back later, if you get bored, Lucia said.

"Sure thing," I said.

"I didn't mean you," she said.

Audrey gave me a slight shove to the door and we exited and made our way back down the stairs and into the street.

"What now," I said.

"I think I want to go to home," Audrey said.

The way she said it made it clear that she meant by herself. I didn't press. I should be grateful. We got out of there in one piece. Audrey did have the baggies though and if we were splitting up then I'd need to get my consolation prize.

"You want company?"

"I want a drink."

We walked up to Second Avenue and flagged a cab.

"85th Street please," Audrey said.

"Hey do you still have those beers in your bag," I asked.

"Yes," she said, reaching in to grab one for me.

I opened it up and took a swig and handed it to her.

"No, I need a whiskey."

The cab pulled up to 85th. We got out. I finished the beer and tossed the bottle into a can and we into a little bar.

"Get me a Jack and Coke," I'll be right back, she said as we entered. The place was packed with preps and Bon Jovi was blasting out of the jukebox. Nothing like hearing frat boys singing "Living on a Prayer."

Audrey walked to the back to the bathroom and I ordered her drink and a beer for myself. A few minutes later she appeared with a definite bounce in her step.

"Feeling better," I said.

"I am now," she said, sniffling a little.

"Well," I said, handing her drink to her, "here's to adventure."

We clinked our glasses together and I took a swig of my beer but Audrey just kept staring at her glass.

"Mother fucker," she said staring at the glass in her hand.

"What."

"That fucking cunt."

"What."

"My ring. That fucking cunt lifted my ring."

Audrey took a big gulp of her drink and slammed it on the bar.

"That mother fucking cunt." Then she grabbed my hand.

"Let's go."

"Go where?"

"We're going back."

"Audrey."

"No," she said not letting me finish. "My father gave me that ring and I'm not going to let some skank dyke rip me off."

Never bang a daddy's girl.