R.I.P. Harvey Korman
Friday, May 30, 2008
Unacceptable And Intolerable
Those are the words used by our fine Mayor to describe the latest crane accident. This one, on the upper east side (91st and First to be exact, one block away from where Rambler used to have an F buddy), has left two dead and four hurt so far.
How many of these accidents do we need to have before our Mayor gets off his ass and actually does something other than express his verbal outrage? He has set the tone for these accidents with his develop everything everywhere mentality that is not only destroying the fabric of this city but is being done in such a sloppy fashion that should an earthquake hit this place it won't need to be a 7.0 to knock down half the town.
Ultimately I fear that these accidents really are just another sign of the continuing deterioration of quality and workmanship. Everyone is lazy and everyone takes shortcuts and we outsource everything. It's sad.
How many of these accidents do we need to have before our Mayor gets off his ass and actually does something other than express his verbal outrage? He has set the tone for these accidents with his develop everything everywhere mentality that is not only destroying the fabric of this city but is being done in such a sloppy fashion that should an earthquake hit this place it won't need to be a 7.0 to knock down half the town.
Ultimately I fear that these accidents really are just another sign of the continuing deterioration of quality and workmanship. Everyone is lazy and everyone takes shortcuts and we outsource everything. It's sad.
Monday, May 26, 2008
Off The Couch
Tonight was my last night of group therapy. After about five years, christ it might have been more I really don't know, I decided it was time to move on.
As one might imagine, I was the Mr. Carlin of group. It served me well, but after awhile the problem I had was going over the same shit time and time again was not really solving any problems. If there is a pot hole in the street, you will only get so far trying to dig into the history of the street to determine why there is a pothole. Ultimately, you still have to fix the pothole. And while some might say, true, but if you don't find out why there was a hole there then another one can appear, I would counter that the actual cause of the hole no longer matters after so many years. Fix it and learn how to avoid other potholes or stop them when they are still little, and suddenly the root of that hole won't matter.
Obviously that goes against much of what therapy is about. I'm not saying there isn't value to finding out how some bad habits, attitudes, behavioral patterns, etc. were formed. But it has to be more than that. It has to be more than, well you weren't given this as a kid or you didn't get that. At some point it has to be, how do we learn to navigate these feelings and bumps in the road so they don't cripple us.
I'll miss some of the people, not all of them. I won't miss my shrink so much. Right now, I'm tired of him. I have spent the last year or so seeing him as someone who picks up on what others say or what I say and then parrot it back to me as some deep insight. Truthfully, he seemed lazy.
Of course, I was plenty lazy there too. I resisted engaging much of the time. It was supposed to be a place to say anything to anyone, but having spent much of my life doing just that and not exactly getting the results I wanted, I tried to stay in control. I also at times found it hard to reconcile my need to show restraint of pen and tongue in the outside world and then do the exact opposite in group. That doesn't mean, by the way, that group is meant to be an insult or hate festival. But if I spend my time trying not to get pissed off at all the idiocy I see in the outside world, then what is gained by coming into group and doing it there?
Part of group was designed to help learn about relationships and interactions, but I found that there were only a few people I was even interested in practicing that with for ninety minutes. And the one chick I wanted to be with in there is engaged and will spend the next ten months talking about her wedding and I was certainly getting tired of being asked how I felt about that.
As one might imagine, I was the Mr. Carlin of group. It served me well, but after awhile the problem I had was going over the same shit time and time again was not really solving any problems. If there is a pot hole in the street, you will only get so far trying to dig into the history of the street to determine why there is a pothole. Ultimately, you still have to fix the pothole. And while some might say, true, but if you don't find out why there was a hole there then another one can appear, I would counter that the actual cause of the hole no longer matters after so many years. Fix it and learn how to avoid other potholes or stop them when they are still little, and suddenly the root of that hole won't matter.
Obviously that goes against much of what therapy is about. I'm not saying there isn't value to finding out how some bad habits, attitudes, behavioral patterns, etc. were formed. But it has to be more than that. It has to be more than, well you weren't given this as a kid or you didn't get that. At some point it has to be, how do we learn to navigate these feelings and bumps in the road so they don't cripple us.
I'll miss some of the people, not all of them. I won't miss my shrink so much. Right now, I'm tired of him. I have spent the last year or so seeing him as someone who picks up on what others say or what I say and then parrot it back to me as some deep insight. Truthfully, he seemed lazy.
Of course, I was plenty lazy there too. I resisted engaging much of the time. It was supposed to be a place to say anything to anyone, but having spent much of my life doing just that and not exactly getting the results I wanted, I tried to stay in control. I also at times found it hard to reconcile my need to show restraint of pen and tongue in the outside world and then do the exact opposite in group. That doesn't mean, by the way, that group is meant to be an insult or hate festival. But if I spend my time trying not to get pissed off at all the idiocy I see in the outside world, then what is gained by coming into group and doing it there?
Part of group was designed to help learn about relationships and interactions, but I found that there were only a few people I was even interested in practicing that with for ninety minutes. And the one chick I wanted to be with in there is engaged and will spend the next ten months talking about her wedding and I was certainly getting tired of being asked how I felt about that.
Just Be Direct
I am at the point where I really am finding less use for sarcasm. Or let me put it this way, sarcasm as an opener.
Case in point. My mother calls me in the morning--doesn't leave a message. At night she calls and just says on VM "well, you must be somewhere."
That doesn't make me want to call. In fact, it makes me want to not call and since the message didn't say call back, I don't feel obliged.
Now the real question is whether I will actually tell her that I would really just prefer a "hey, how's it going, give me a call," as opposed to a snarky comment designed to make me feel guilty for no reason.
Case in point. My mother calls me in the morning--doesn't leave a message. At night she calls and just says on VM "well, you must be somewhere."
That doesn't make me want to call. In fact, it makes me want to not call and since the message didn't say call back, I don't feel obliged.
Now the real question is whether I will actually tell her that I would really just prefer a "hey, how's it going, give me a call," as opposed to a snarky comment designed to make me feel guilty for no reason.
Still Searching
Yesterday was one of those weird days that on paper should was perfect. I started it with breakfast with friends, including a girl I kind of like, then went to another friend's BBQ after a quick stop at home to catch the dramatic end to the Yankee game and then went down to Murray Hill to see another friend who was celebrating a special day. I then walked from there all the way back up to the upper westside, bumped into someone else while getting a burrito and then headed home to watch the HBO movie Recount, which was pretty entertaining.
Yet, for all that, I felt kind of empty. I know this is in my head. I think I am reaching a point where it may be time to up my game a little bit. Yes, this is one of those `Rambler needs to get off the sidelines' posts.
I'm not sure what I am missing or yearning. Do I want a relationship? Hell, I don't know. Some nights I sit in front of the TV watching the Yanks eating a cheese steak in my boxers and think, 'is this all there is?" Other nights I do that and think, 'man, it just doesn't get better than this.'
It is not that I'm looking to start a family. I'm am still very undecided and frankly afraid of the whole kid prospect. But right now something is missing, or to put it another way, my current way of doing business is not fulfilling me as much and it is time to rethink our strategies.
There are some changes going on. After more than five years, this Wednesday is my last group therapy session. I still will do individual, just done with group. Between individual and the rooms, I think I'm covered. I don't know if I ever fully gave myself over to the group process or ever really connected, but at this point I just think it's time to give that one a rest. Plus, I'll save some cash.
And then there is this thing. I need to start doing this shit daily even if I have nothing to say. Even if it is just some arcane observation or rant on life.
This is what I do on holidays. Sit and stare at my life and contemplate what's missing. Later today I'll remind myself of all I have.
Of course, in the midst of this "I need more" post I get a note from a jdater wanting to IM. I ignore it.
Yet, for all that, I felt kind of empty. I know this is in my head. I think I am reaching a point where it may be time to up my game a little bit. Yes, this is one of those `Rambler needs to get off the sidelines' posts.
I'm not sure what I am missing or yearning. Do I want a relationship? Hell, I don't know. Some nights I sit in front of the TV watching the Yanks eating a cheese steak in my boxers and think, 'is this all there is?" Other nights I do that and think, 'man, it just doesn't get better than this.'
It is not that I'm looking to start a family. I'm am still very undecided and frankly afraid of the whole kid prospect. But right now something is missing, or to put it another way, my current way of doing business is not fulfilling me as much and it is time to rethink our strategies.
There are some changes going on. After more than five years, this Wednesday is my last group therapy session. I still will do individual, just done with group. Between individual and the rooms, I think I'm covered. I don't know if I ever fully gave myself over to the group process or ever really connected, but at this point I just think it's time to give that one a rest. Plus, I'll save some cash.
And then there is this thing. I need to start doing this shit daily even if I have nothing to say. Even if it is just some arcane observation or rant on life.
This is what I do on holidays. Sit and stare at my life and contemplate what's missing. Later today I'll remind myself of all I have.
Of course, in the midst of this "I need more" post I get a note from a jdater wanting to IM. I ignore it.
Saturday, May 24, 2008
A Nudge From The Beast
Maybe it doesn't ever end.
That was the thought running through my mind last night. There I was surrounded by clean and sober guys innocently playing low stakes poker and the urge to get wasted was overwhelming. I hadn't felt like this in a long time, hell probably not since I was counting days, and yet after almost three years there was that voice telling me to get fucked up. There were those itchy feelings. I could've really used a smoke but I'd given those up too.
There were lots of reasons why I was back on the edge. Tonight's game was at Antonio's and he seemed a little hyper tonight. Just back a month or so from a eight month run he was high energy slamming his chips, betting big, trying to intimidate. Maybe it was just me, but the game didn't have the usual mellow feel. Furthermore, Antonio lives in the houses behind Lincoln Center and while I'd never bought or used there it reminded me of all the other places I had. The stairs reeked of urine. Good times!
I knew I had to get out there. I wasn't playing well anyway and I went all in on king high flush only to lose to Hector, who had the ace high flush. I didn't have to go all in on that hand. I could've just bet a little and lost and kept playing, but I guess the whole feel of the game made me reckless. It didn't help that six times I folded weak hands only to see on the flop that they would've been great hands. My guts just weren't there for me tonight.
The second game was definitely not going to happen for me so I headed down to Perry Street. Everyone at the game thought I had some secret date or was going to bang an ex. I wish. No, I just was feeling in pain and needed to go to the ER of recovery. I got there after grabbing two hot dogs on the way over. Place was packed but I found a seat and a few guys I knew. The speaker was one of these dudes with a little time who suddenly thinks he's mastered the whole thing. I didn't hear a lot of humility in his share and he kind of annoyed me but I tried to get those thoughts out of my head because that's not where I needed my brain to go to at that moment. Fortunately after the meeting I talked to one of the old timers who had the same take I did on the speaker. There's nothing like having one's inventory taking validated to make one feel good. I know that's not really the solution, but for a night like tonight, that was enough.
I roamed around the village and saw lots of hot girls walking home alone. There was a time when a girl would have to be insane to walk home that late night in the city, but this younger generation doesn't know those bad old days and doesn't think anything of it. Me, I've been jumped too many times to take the streets for granted and I like to think that I can take care of myself. I really can't, but I like to think I can.
I knew I had to beat it uptown when I found myself staring at Johnny's on Greenwich. I really didn't want to go out. I didn't want to piss away almost three years just because on one night I felt a little edgy. The good thing is that at least last night I knew that while I can't control the first thought, I can control the second one. On the subway I saw this woman who lives next door to me. We walked home together. She waited for me while I bought some mango at the deli. It beat McDonald's, which was my first idea. I see this woman all the time. When I am heading out for my morning run, she's usually warming up her motorcycle. Turns out she's a dancer who was coming home from a recital. We had a little chat and a nice walk and then parted ways. Nice broad, but not my type.
Of course, these days nothing is my type. I just can't get motivated. I probably should otherwise those moments like the one I had last night won't be such anomalies anymore.
Walking along Broadway with her headed towards 100th I started to remember when it wasn't out of the ordinary to see a working girl on the corner. That was awhile go, but still fresh in my memory. Christ, pretty soon there won't be any neighborhoods left to quench a late night thirst.
I got home, stuffed myself full of mango and decided to have a pull. The devil would rest tonight, but he'll be back.
That was the thought running through my mind last night. There I was surrounded by clean and sober guys innocently playing low stakes poker and the urge to get wasted was overwhelming. I hadn't felt like this in a long time, hell probably not since I was counting days, and yet after almost three years there was that voice telling me to get fucked up. There were those itchy feelings. I could've really used a smoke but I'd given those up too.
There were lots of reasons why I was back on the edge. Tonight's game was at Antonio's and he seemed a little hyper tonight. Just back a month or so from a eight month run he was high energy slamming his chips, betting big, trying to intimidate. Maybe it was just me, but the game didn't have the usual mellow feel. Furthermore, Antonio lives in the houses behind Lincoln Center and while I'd never bought or used there it reminded me of all the other places I had. The stairs reeked of urine. Good times!
I knew I had to get out there. I wasn't playing well anyway and I went all in on king high flush only to lose to Hector, who had the ace high flush. I didn't have to go all in on that hand. I could've just bet a little and lost and kept playing, but I guess the whole feel of the game made me reckless. It didn't help that six times I folded weak hands only to see on the flop that they would've been great hands. My guts just weren't there for me tonight.
The second game was definitely not going to happen for me so I headed down to Perry Street. Everyone at the game thought I had some secret date or was going to bang an ex. I wish. No, I just was feeling in pain and needed to go to the ER of recovery. I got there after grabbing two hot dogs on the way over. Place was packed but I found a seat and a few guys I knew. The speaker was one of these dudes with a little time who suddenly thinks he's mastered the whole thing. I didn't hear a lot of humility in his share and he kind of annoyed me but I tried to get those thoughts out of my head because that's not where I needed my brain to go to at that moment. Fortunately after the meeting I talked to one of the old timers who had the same take I did on the speaker. There's nothing like having one's inventory taking validated to make one feel good. I know that's not really the solution, but for a night like tonight, that was enough.
I roamed around the village and saw lots of hot girls walking home alone. There was a time when a girl would have to be insane to walk home that late night in the city, but this younger generation doesn't know those bad old days and doesn't think anything of it. Me, I've been jumped too many times to take the streets for granted and I like to think that I can take care of myself. I really can't, but I like to think I can.
I knew I had to beat it uptown when I found myself staring at Johnny's on Greenwich. I really didn't want to go out. I didn't want to piss away almost three years just because on one night I felt a little edgy. The good thing is that at least last night I knew that while I can't control the first thought, I can control the second one. On the subway I saw this woman who lives next door to me. We walked home together. She waited for me while I bought some mango at the deli. It beat McDonald's, which was my first idea. I see this woman all the time. When I am heading out for my morning run, she's usually warming up her motorcycle. Turns out she's a dancer who was coming home from a recital. We had a little chat and a nice walk and then parted ways. Nice broad, but not my type.
Of course, these days nothing is my type. I just can't get motivated. I probably should otherwise those moments like the one I had last night won't be such anomalies anymore.
Walking along Broadway with her headed towards 100th I started to remember when it wasn't out of the ordinary to see a working girl on the corner. That was awhile go, but still fresh in my memory. Christ, pretty soon there won't be any neighborhoods left to quench a late night thirst.
I got home, stuffed myself full of mango and decided to have a pull. The devil would rest tonight, but he'll be back.
Thursday, May 22, 2008
Down Not Out
A blog is sometimes supposed to be reactive. I'm reacting to things in my life. I guess that's why I have been posting so little lately. There just isn't a whole hell of a lot to react to and what is there is on the inside.
Want me to react to my inability to get into relationship? Shit, I don't even know if I want one right now. Kind of like being aloof from it. And yeah, that's running away. But my track record indicates that maybe I shouldn't run into anything right now. I have a few prospects but I just right now don't feel the energy to go forward. I don't know what it's about and I'm sure it'll pass, but right now it all just seems to be a hassle.
I can babble about being on some voyage of self-discovery and spirituality and maybe there is something to it, but I could just as easily say I'm shutting down and just filling my bare needs elsewhere so I don't have to open myself up to another one's needs and desires. Of course, that means I won't get my own needs met either.
I am not angry about any of this, just sort of watching it like a detached observer. Which is how I feel about my life right now. Good thing I have therapy today.
Or I'm just pissed I didn't get to bang the hottie in the office....yet. Remember, you are reading the blog of a guy who waited 16 years to nail his high school crush. Rambler's a patient man.
Going to run and blow off whatever is inside me. And yes West Coast advisor I know that running may seem like I'm getting rid of something inside me but I'm not. Maybe true, but it does make the swelling go down.
Want me to react to my inability to get into relationship? Shit, I don't even know if I want one right now. Kind of like being aloof from it. And yeah, that's running away. But my track record indicates that maybe I shouldn't run into anything right now. I have a few prospects but I just right now don't feel the energy to go forward. I don't know what it's about and I'm sure it'll pass, but right now it all just seems to be a hassle.
I can babble about being on some voyage of self-discovery and spirituality and maybe there is something to it, but I could just as easily say I'm shutting down and just filling my bare needs elsewhere so I don't have to open myself up to another one's needs and desires. Of course, that means I won't get my own needs met either.
I am not angry about any of this, just sort of watching it like a detached observer. Which is how I feel about my life right now. Good thing I have therapy today.
Or I'm just pissed I didn't get to bang the hottie in the office....yet. Remember, you are reading the blog of a guy who waited 16 years to nail his high school crush. Rambler's a patient man.
Going to run and blow off whatever is inside me. And yes West Coast advisor I know that running may seem like I'm getting rid of something inside me but I'm not. Maybe true, but it does make the swelling go down.
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