Still Searching

Yesterday was one of those weird days that on paper should was perfect. I started it with breakfast with friends, including a girl I kind of like, then went to another friend's BBQ after a quick stop at home to catch the dramatic end to the Yankee game and then went down to Murray Hill to see another friend who was celebrating a special day. I then walked from there all the way back up to the upper westside, bumped into someone else while getting a burrito and then headed home to watch the HBO movie Recount, which was pretty entertaining.

Yet, for all that, I felt kind of empty. I know this is in my head. I think I am reaching a point where it may be time to up my game a little bit. Yes, this is one of those `Rambler needs to get off the sidelines' posts.

I'm not sure what I am missing or yearning. Do I want a relationship? Hell, I don't know. Some nights I sit in front of the TV watching the Yanks eating a cheese steak in my boxers and think, 'is this all there is?" Other nights I do that and think, 'man, it just doesn't get better than this.'

It is not that I'm looking to start a family. I'm am still very undecided and frankly afraid of the whole kid prospect. But right now something is missing, or to put it another way, my current way of doing business is not fulfilling me as much and it is time to rethink our strategies.

There are some changes going on. After more than five years, this Wednesday is my last group therapy session. I still will do individual, just done with group. Between individual and the rooms, I think I'm covered. I don't know if I ever fully gave myself over to the group process or ever really connected, but at this point I just think it's time to give that one a rest. Plus, I'll save some cash.

And then there is this thing. I need to start doing this shit daily even if I have nothing to say. Even if it is just some arcane observation or rant on life.

This is what I do on holidays. Sit and stare at my life and contemplate what's missing. Later today I'll remind myself of all I have.

Of course, in the midst of this "I need more" post I get a note from a jdater wanting to IM. I ignore it.