A Nudge From The Beast

Maybe it doesn't ever end.

That was the thought running through my mind last night. There I was surrounded by clean and sober guys innocently playing low stakes poker and the urge to get wasted was overwhelming. I hadn't felt like this in a long time, hell probably not since I was counting days, and yet after almost three years there was that voice telling me to get fucked up. There were those itchy feelings. I could've really used a smoke but I'd given those up too.

There were lots of reasons why I was back on the edge. Tonight's game was at Antonio's and he seemed a little hyper tonight. Just back a month or so from a eight month run he was high energy slamming his chips, betting big, trying to intimidate. Maybe it was just me, but the game didn't have the usual mellow feel. Furthermore, Antonio lives in the houses behind Lincoln Center and while I'd never bought or used there it reminded me of all the other places I had. The stairs reeked of urine. Good times!

I knew I had to get out there. I wasn't playing well anyway and I went all in on king high flush only to lose to Hector, who had the ace high flush. I didn't have to go all in on that hand. I could've just bet a little and lost and kept playing, but I guess the whole feel of the game made me reckless. It didn't help that six times I folded weak hands only to see on the flop that they would've been great hands. My guts just weren't there for me tonight.

The second game was definitely not going to happen for me so I headed down to Perry Street. Everyone at the game thought I had some secret date or was going to bang an ex. I wish. No, I just was feeling in pain and needed to go to the ER of recovery. I got there after grabbing two hot dogs on the way over. Place was packed but I found a seat and a few guys I knew. The speaker was one of these dudes with a little time who suddenly thinks he's mastered the whole thing. I didn't hear a lot of humility in his share and he kind of annoyed me but I tried to get those thoughts out of my head because that's not where I needed my brain to go to at that moment. Fortunately after the meeting I talked to one of the old timers who had the same take I did on the speaker. There's nothing like having one's inventory taking validated to make one feel good. I know that's not really the solution, but for a night like tonight, that was enough.

I roamed around the village and saw lots of hot girls walking home alone. There was a time when a girl would have to be insane to walk home that late night in the city, but this younger generation doesn't know those bad old days and doesn't think anything of it. Me, I've been jumped too many times to take the streets for granted and I like to think that I can take care of myself. I really can't, but I like to think I can.

I knew I had to beat it uptown when I found myself staring at Johnny's on Greenwich. I really didn't want to go out. I didn't want to piss away almost three years just because on one night I felt a little edgy. The good thing is that at least last night I knew that while I can't control the first thought, I can control the second one. On the subway I saw this woman who lives next door to me. We walked home together. She waited for me while I bought some mango at the deli. It beat McDonald's, which was my first idea. I see this woman all the time. When I am heading out for my morning run, she's usually warming up her motorcycle. Turns out she's a dancer who was coming home from a recital. We had a little chat and a nice walk and then parted ways. Nice broad, but not my type.

Of course, these days nothing is my type. I just can't get motivated. I probably should otherwise those moments like the one I had last night won't be such anomalies anymore.

Walking along Broadway with her headed towards 100th I started to remember when it wasn't out of the ordinary to see a working girl on the corner. That was awhile go, but still fresh in my memory. Christ, pretty soon there won't be any neighborhoods left to quench a late night thirst.

I got home, stuffed myself full of mango and decided to have a pull. The devil would rest tonight, but he'll be back.