Too many sins keeping me
Too many sins to set me free
Let go the ones that cut the deepest
Let the blood flow so I can breathe
Wash it away
Gonna walk to the edge of the water
Kneel down on the ground
Ask you to take it all away
Beg you to let me stay
Too many sins chasing you away
Too many sins getting in my way
Let go the ones that scream the loudest
Let the blood flow so I can pray
Wash it away
Gonna watch the sun drop over those hills
Wait through the night until I hear them crows
Ask you to take it all away
Beg you to let me stay
Too many sins keeping me down
Too many sins for you to be around
Let go the ones that ache the most
Let go the ones that keep me lost
Wash it away
Gonna sit besides those rail road tracks
Wait for that freighter and never come back
Ask you to take me away
Beg you to hear me pray
Wash it away
Saturday, September 18, 2010
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
I have not forgotten
Really, I haven't.
I've just been caught up in crap to sit down and write like I should. I have been working on a story, but I'm doing it in longhand, not on the computer so no previews for now.
On the family front, death brings out the best and worst in people. I had a huge blow up with one of my brothers that looked like it might potentially end our relationship. I won't go into the what or why except to say that while I may have lobbed a rock and he returned fire with nuclear weapons.
Fortunately, once my father's will came out, he find a new home for his anger. We're fine now and he's furious with my father. I'm not sure why. My dad's will was no secret. We don't get anything. The grandkids also don't get anything. That would be easier to swallow if he hadn't found money for his sister he never spoke to (who is also on death's door) and his niece (although she deserves whatever she can get).
Here's the rub. My dad is leaving everything to his second wife. That's fine. But what he didn't do was set up his will in a way that so when she passed, properties could be passed on to his kids or grandkids. He also didn't set up the possibility of trusts for grandkids should his wife sell some of his properties.
Now I don't have kids (yet) so no biggie for me. But my brothers are a little irked since after my dad's second wife goes, everything goes to her nieces and nephews. It's a little screwed up but what can you do?
Just one thing to keep in mind when you are doing your wills. If both my dad and his wife had passed together in an accident but she outlived him by two minutes, everything would have gone to her nieces and nephews. Now that's a little screwed up. So all you folks out there with multiple families, etc., be very clear in your wills.
OK, going to eat now but I will be back with more soon. Really, I promise.
I've just been caught up in crap to sit down and write like I should. I have been working on a story, but I'm doing it in longhand, not on the computer so no previews for now.
On the family front, death brings out the best and worst in people. I had a huge blow up with one of my brothers that looked like it might potentially end our relationship. I won't go into the what or why except to say that while I may have lobbed a rock and he returned fire with nuclear weapons.
Fortunately, once my father's will came out, he find a new home for his anger. We're fine now and he's furious with my father. I'm not sure why. My dad's will was no secret. We don't get anything. The grandkids also don't get anything. That would be easier to swallow if he hadn't found money for his sister he never spoke to (who is also on death's door) and his niece (although she deserves whatever she can get).
Here's the rub. My dad is leaving everything to his second wife. That's fine. But what he didn't do was set up his will in a way that so when she passed, properties could be passed on to his kids or grandkids. He also didn't set up the possibility of trusts for grandkids should his wife sell some of his properties.
Now I don't have kids (yet) so no biggie for me. But my brothers are a little irked since after my dad's second wife goes, everything goes to her nieces and nephews. It's a little screwed up but what can you do?
Just one thing to keep in mind when you are doing your wills. If both my dad and his wife had passed together in an accident but she outlived him by two minutes, everything would have gone to her nieces and nephews. Now that's a little screwed up. So all you folks out there with multiple families, etc., be very clear in your wills.
OK, going to eat now but I will be back with more soon. Really, I promise.
Sunday, August 22, 2010
Sunday night
Supposed to be writing.
Instad I'm sitting here in this coffee shop in Larchmont Village.
I should be working on my story, but instead i'm stuck in a battle that will have no winners.
Isn't life fun?
Instad I'm sitting here in this coffee shop in Larchmont Village.
I should be working on my story, but instead i'm stuck in a battle that will have no winners.
Isn't life fun?
There's nothing like death
To bring the best and worst out of people.
And that's all I'll say about that!
And that's all I'll say about that!
Saturday, August 14, 2010
One Long Week
There's no right way to deliver the news that your father has died. My mom did it bluntly last Saturday morning. Have to admit to being stunned. Yes he was 79, but his health was not in decline. Slowing down for sure, but he looked like he was good for five more years.
Anyone who has been reading me knows I didn't have the most ideal relationship with my father. To be blunt, for the first 16 years of my life he wasn't much of a father. By the time he became a good father, I wasn't much of a son.
The good thing is that over the last few years I made peace with him as best as I good. My chest still tightened every time I heard his voice and I never completely felt relaxed in his presence. At the same time I lost the rage I carried for things that happened so long ago.
Part of that was getting sober. If this was five years ago and my father was gone, I'd be sitting in the Dublin House right now swigging beers and cursing him for leaving before I got a chance to tell him what I thought. I'd have been left with nothing but anger and resentments and no where to point the blame.
Fortunately, I don't feel that now. I was able to say what I needed to say and I did it as a sober man, not a bitter drunk. More time would've been nice and maybe even got us closer to some place where my chest would never feel the need to tighten in reaction to his presence.
But that wasn't meant to be and the truth is that the blame for that falls a lot more on me than him. He said as much a few years ago. He recognized his part in our relationship, but added that ultimately it was up to me to move on from it.
He was right, of course. I did a little, but never far enough. The truth is that for most of my life I foolishly thought the anger in me about him and my family was some vital core of my being and without I would cease to exist. Putting down the drink made me see the opposite was true. It was killing me.
I have not yet mourned his death. I think I'm still feeling like I'm in limbo. I will visit his home next week just to feel his presence. There was no funeral. There will be a memorial, but I can't wait for that. I need to walk the rooms he lived in and let it all hit me. It's something I need to do.
The good thing is that no matter how hard all this will get in the months and years ahead, I know in the end I did the best I could to reconcile things with him and myself and I'm at peace with it.
I read all these appreciations of his work and life and I see how much was passed on to me without me even realizing it. I'm just glad I can smile about it now.
Anyone who has been reading me knows I didn't have the most ideal relationship with my father. To be blunt, for the first 16 years of my life he wasn't much of a father. By the time he became a good father, I wasn't much of a son.
The good thing is that over the last few years I made peace with him as best as I good. My chest still tightened every time I heard his voice and I never completely felt relaxed in his presence. At the same time I lost the rage I carried for things that happened so long ago.
Part of that was getting sober. If this was five years ago and my father was gone, I'd be sitting in the Dublin House right now swigging beers and cursing him for leaving before I got a chance to tell him what I thought. I'd have been left with nothing but anger and resentments and no where to point the blame.
Fortunately, I don't feel that now. I was able to say what I needed to say and I did it as a sober man, not a bitter drunk. More time would've been nice and maybe even got us closer to some place where my chest would never feel the need to tighten in reaction to his presence.
But that wasn't meant to be and the truth is that the blame for that falls a lot more on me than him. He said as much a few years ago. He recognized his part in our relationship, but added that ultimately it was up to me to move on from it.
He was right, of course. I did a little, but never far enough. The truth is that for most of my life I foolishly thought the anger in me about him and my family was some vital core of my being and without I would cease to exist. Putting down the drink made me see the opposite was true. It was killing me.
I have not yet mourned his death. I think I'm still feeling like I'm in limbo. I will visit his home next week just to feel his presence. There was no funeral. There will be a memorial, but I can't wait for that. I need to walk the rooms he lived in and let it all hit me. It's something I need to do.
The good thing is that no matter how hard all this will get in the months and years ahead, I know in the end I did the best I could to reconcile things with him and myself and I'm at peace with it.
I read all these appreciations of his work and life and I see how much was passed on to me without me even realizing it. I'm just glad I can smile about it now.
Saturday, August 7, 2010
Love Rage Pain
There's a hole in me now
All the love, rage and pain
Just torn out of me
Can't barely stand without it
Never did get things straight between us
Probably never could
Still wish for a little more time
Don't we all
Better for you to go down fast
The rest of us just wanted one more moment
Selfish on our part
Now we're the ones alone
Don't really feel anything yet
Want to keep moving but got nowhere to go
Feel like I should be on a plane somewhere
Instead of feeling stuck in this nowhere
If only it'd been different
You made me who I am
Good and bad
Now I'm old and you're gone
Wish I'd been better towards you
After you got better towards me
Wish I could've forgot the past
Take your love no questions asked
Won't feel anything
For the next days and weeks
Then that love rage and pain
Will come crashing down on me
All the love, rage and pain
Just torn out of me
Can't barely stand without it
Never did get things straight between us
Probably never could
Still wish for a little more time
Don't we all
Better for you to go down fast
The rest of us just wanted one more moment
Selfish on our part
Now we're the ones alone
Don't really feel anything yet
Want to keep moving but got nowhere to go
Feel like I should be on a plane somewhere
Instead of feeling stuck in this nowhere
If only it'd been different
You made me who I am
Good and bad
Now I'm old and you're gone
Wish I'd been better towards you
After you got better towards me
Wish I could've forgot the past
Take your love no questions asked
Won't feel anything
For the next days and weeks
Then that love rage and pain
Will come crashing down on me
Thursday, July 29, 2010
Don't Want to See You in Everything
When you look into my eyes
Do you see the pain?
When you hear my voice
Can you tell it's still cracked?
When you see me walk
Do I still look broken?
When I see you I have to look away
When I see you I have to leave the day
When I see you I have to drop and pray
When I see you I have nothing to say
What bad turn did I go down with you
What maze is this that has no exit
Why do we cling so to the one
That did a dump and run
When I see you I feel so weak
When I see you I forget to speak
When I see you I go meek
When I see you I turn to concrete
When you look into my eyes
Do you see the hurt?
When you hear my voice
Is it beaten down?
When you see me walk
Do you laugh behind me?
Want to see you and feel no pain
Want to see you and think of rain
Want to see you and not see anything
Don't want to see you in everything
Do you see the pain?
When you hear my voice
Can you tell it's still cracked?
When you see me walk
Do I still look broken?
When I see you I have to look away
When I see you I have to leave the day
When I see you I have to drop and pray
When I see you I have nothing to say
What bad turn did I go down with you
What maze is this that has no exit
Why do we cling so to the one
That did a dump and run
When I see you I feel so weak
When I see you I forget to speak
When I see you I go meek
When I see you I turn to concrete
When you look into my eyes
Do you see the hurt?
When you hear my voice
Is it beaten down?
When you see me walk
Do you laugh behind me?
Want to see you and feel no pain
Want to see you and think of rain
Want to see you and not see anything
Don't want to see you in everything
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)