Where Have I Been?

Too much time on Twitter. What can I say? Work is also busy and tiring. Good, but busy and tiring. No regrets yet.
Will try to write more soon.

Naricissicsm At Its Finest

From my new desk that I managed to put together on my own.

So for some reason my most recent ex decided to send me an email tonight letting me know she is seeing someone else. Why she felt the urge is beyond me. I already knew this. As if the Facebook defriending wasn't a clue, there are some people who feel the need to keep me posted on these matters even though I have stressed I don't need nor want to know anything.

She had to know I've known for weeks if not months, so the timing strikes me as strange. The fact that she would send an email on a Saturday night of a three day weekend is beyond puzzling. At first I read it and thought she was trying to tell me she was engaged but upon second (and hopefully last) reading I realize that may not be the case.

I have made no effort to contact her for months. If she thought my relocating out here was part of a plot to woo her back, the fact that i didn't even bother letting her know I was coming out here should have been a clue that maybe I don't orbit around her.

I'm tempted to post it just so you can get a sense of the level of narcism I'm talking about. Her efforts to try to explain herself are, well, mean. No other word for it. Some stuff in there is aimed to hurt someone who never hurt her. The sad part is she doesn't even get that. Case in point, she goes out of her way to say our relationship was short when by my calculations the new one is just passing three months, making it one month longer (which in her world might be five years). As I've said before (borrowing from Jennifer Aniston), there's a sensitivity chip missing there.

Fuck it. It was a cover your ass email. We know a lot of the same people and someone is concerned about appearances. Truth is, although we have similar jobs and know a lot of the same people, the people I'm close with are not the the people she is close with. This was something that should have been an early warning signal to me when my friends in the biz did their best "Arrested Development" "her?" when I said who I was dating.

For once I resisted the urge to shoot back a nice response along the lines of "best of luck." Think I'll wait a few days and, upon advice of a friend, write something more along the lines of "Thanks for the gesture, but completely unnecessary . Good luck with everything."

I can honestly say, I was more annoyed than heartbroken. More stunned by the gall than hurt by the news. I have a feeling a few other guys have gotten similar emails.

So why write it? To remind myself and to try out my new desk. It seems to work.

What You Want

“What is it you want,” she asked while taking a drag off her Marlboro.

“To love,” he said.

“What makes you think you can?” she said, exhaling.

“I have no idea.”

“It’s more than just getting me into bed.”

“There’s nothing more than getting you into bed.”

“See, right there is why you can’t love. You can’t help yourself. You let that guard down for three seconds and then it was right back. Call me when you can be honest and I’ll fuck you so good you’ll never want for anything else in your life.”

With that she got up, dropped her cigarette and stubbed it out with her heel and walked back into the church without looking back.

He waited a few minutes, finished off his coffee and headed back into the church as well, thinking he already didn’t want anything else.

Forget

Look into my eyes
Don’t run away
Need you to stay
Don’t believe the lies

Want to just lay with you
Not just another user
Not just another abuser
Forget what I never knew

Not Another You

Can’t go on in this one man play
Need to actually feel again and live
If I lose, if I bleed, if I find another you
It has to beat being stuck in this truth

Know there is more out there than this
Sleep, eat, drink and piss
Tired of being that one in the bar
Hanging on until 4 a.m. like a fading star

Thinking that the one in the corner will be the light
That takes me out of this hell night
But she’s just another detour
And a way to waste an hour

She’s not another you
Her knive can’t draw enough blood
To make me feel new
Took my heart, sliced my soul

Not another you

Drew My Gun

Drew my gun
But you already had yours out
Now I’m on the ground
And you’re on the run

I may be gone
But I’m at rest
Your hell is just starting
And it’ll be real long

Chased from dusk till dawn
Looking over your shoulder
Can’t even start the car in peace
Soon you too will be in this lawn

Don’t blame you for what you did
That bag was no good I know
Life that I chose, no regrets
Just another trashcan with no lid

Hmmm

Wow, I already sort of feel like an out-of-towner here and I've been gone all of a month! Wish they had Filene's Basement in LA!

What I Know

It's not how much
It's what it made you feel
It's not how long
It's how real

Doesn't matter if it was two months or twenty years
If you went there and loved there and lost there
Then you get to keep your tears
Tell everyone else thanks for their share

Ready

Should be past it by now
No reason to continue to rent you space
Shouldn't have lasted now
No season that you haven't laid to waste

Took my winter, swallowed my spring
Now the summer is looming too
Just another notch to carve in your ring
Oh if only that were true

But I'm the one who won't leave
I'm the one who's cutting me up
Wish I could make myself see
Just not ready

So much easier this way
Act like I'm still stuck in red
Pretend I'm still caught in your sway
Convince myself that I'm dead

It's a one way fight
The kind I'll never win
Just one long night
The type that used to mean sin

But I'm the one whose living the lie
I'm the one who keeps playing the tape
Wish I could just let me be
Just not ready

Back In Town

So of course the day I come back to New York would be one of those gorgeous days where the city is just oozing life on every corner. The sky is cloudless and the streets are alive with color. The diversity that sometimes wore me down looks so bright and beautiful today. A black cabbie listening to Stevie Nicks. Lots of kids in Starbucks who in the past would've annoyed me but today made me just think better they are here than roaming the streets.

Buyer's regret? No. I notice that my energy kicks up way too high when I'm in the city. That feeling that I must be doing something all the time starts to overwhelm me again. I got to my Dad's at 5 p.m. It took two hours for me to get my bag and cab it into town. And yet as soon as I walked in the door my instinct was to head out the door and hit Perry Street. Why? I didn't need a meeting and there was an impromptu family dinner just two hours away. Yet when I am here I really start to pressure myself to always be moving, god forbid I have a second with my thoughts.

In LA, for better or for worse I'm not having that problem. Maybe for now it's better for me to be in a quiet place. As lively as Broadway was tonight and as pretty as everything looked here today, it'll be hot and sticky soon enough and my little apartment would seem like cell soon enough.

It's tough enough for me to sit still, being in a place that demands I don't may not be the best thing for me right now.

Inspired by JKS

The thorn that's still resting in my side.
Reminds me I'm still alive.
Want to pull it out and feel the sting.
And let go what's inside.

One Month In

So I have been in Los Angeles for a month as of today and I've been in my apartment since last Friday. It was the latter that made me realize that I really did this. When I was putting away coats I'll never wear here it suddenly all sunk in.

Everything is going as well as could be expected I suppose. Most of my stuff arrived but a box of CDs was lost. Pretty much R-Z which, for those who know me know, that means no Bruce, Rod, Who, U2, Zevon, Zero 7, etc. Doubtful I'll get it back and the claim form is written in such a way that the moving company can pretty much deny it.

I'll survive but my CD bookcase looks so empty! So does my apartment. For those who don't know, Los Angeles has real apartments. I'm paying a little more than $500 less than what I was paying in New York and I have a big living room, dining area, kitchen, bedroom, four closets, etc. I need a desk, a table, chairs and perhaps another couch. Some book cases would be nice too. Old me would rush out and buy everything in one weekend but what is the rush. I'm not in any hurry. I like my apartment, but the parking space is a bitch to get in and out of and the street parking is horrible. As I think I mentioned, the parking and traffic has only gotten worse since I've been away.

I like my neighborhood. It's a quiet residential neighborhood just west of La Brea in the Miracle Mile area. I'm not far from West Hollywood and Hancock Park. The drive downtown to work is pretty blah but not too bad. I'm usually on the phone in my car too and from work. Yes, I'm one of those now.

Work is draining. I think I'm doing OK but there is a long way to go. It's only been three weeks or so. I've written a lot but I'm still finding my voice and figuring things out. It'll come. Some of it is fun. I get a lot of freedom to do what I want. The building is cool but a ghost town since so many have been laid off over the last two years.

The meetings here are very different from New York. I knew that already from my numerous visits over the years, but now that I have to go them it's another story. I won't go into all that here. Just say that I need a little more grit in my recovery then I see here, but then again everyone who moves away from where they got it together feels the same way so I'm sure I'll adjust. The important thing is that I'm going to the rooms even if it is to sit in the back and roll my eyes.

My LA-ex--not the recent heartbreaker but the one before--has been my angel. She takes me around and has been very supportive and a calming influence. As for the other one, staying away as I said I would. Got an email a few weeks ago congratulating me. I sent a brief thank you response to and that was that. Would just like to get the inevitable running into her over with so I can get past this shit once and for all. And then there's the old old LA-ex who I moved out here with 16 years ago. Had lunch with her. She works in the biz and has done quite well for her self and it's nice that we can still be friends.

I have other friends here from the past which helps, but I need to connect in the fellowship more. That's a little tougher but it'll come. Took me a long time in NYC too and I forget that.

My apartment is cool. Hardwood floors, plenty of space. I'm on the first floor. It's really more like a bunch of townhouses. The only thing is it is an older building so little things like the shower door doesn't shut all the way unless you slam it and the toilet sometimes takes two flushes is the norm. My lease is for a year so who knows, maybe I'll try to go modern next time. Really, it's just the parking space that's the bitch. I've met some of my neighbors and they seem cool.

My cats are still in New York. They are with my brother in Brooklyn and doing quite well. I am headed back to New York on Friday for the week. They may or may not come back with me. I'm not sure. My brother has offered to hold on to them for the summer. I think he enjoys having them around. He could end up keeping them. I do miss them. At the same time, the cat hair and litter I don't miss. I invested a lot in my cats and then when I got into what I thought was going to be a great relationship and it blew up on me they could no longer fill the void. It sounds absurd, but it's true. My gut says bring them out here but my head says wait until the summer and see how you are doing here. Everything costs more than I anticipated and I'm still getting adjusted. If I can buy a little time to figure it out then I should. That said, don't be too shocked if I come back to LA next Friday with Skinny and Fluff.

So am I happy here? I think I've decided that happiness is what I fear most. I don't know what I'd do if I were happy or could acknowledge happiness. I was thinking in a meeting tonight that I didn't drink or drug to stay happy longer. I did it to feel less bad until it made me feel worse. I was not one of those crazy guys who wanted to keep the party going. I thought booze could maybe make me forget how hopeless everything seemed until I finally realized that the booze (and what went with it) made everything hopeless. I don't feel hopeless today. That's a start.

Fear

People
Life
You
Girls
Work
Family
Friends
Trust
Logic
Reason
Booze
Sobriety
Sex
Intimacy
Reality
Traffic
Love
Pain
Hurt
Emotions
Happiness

In Stride

So easy to judge
So easy to blame
So easy to look away
So easy to push aside
Step over the chalk outline with your voyeur eyes and stay in stride.

Night Falls

The helicopters circle
Looking for their prey
Drawing ever closer, I am caught in their sway
Then without warning
--like love--
gone away.