One Month In

So I have been in Los Angeles for a month as of today and I've been in my apartment since last Friday. It was the latter that made me realize that I really did this. When I was putting away coats I'll never wear here it suddenly all sunk in.

Everything is going as well as could be expected I suppose. Most of my stuff arrived but a box of CDs was lost. Pretty much R-Z which, for those who know me know, that means no Bruce, Rod, Who, U2, Zevon, Zero 7, etc. Doubtful I'll get it back and the claim form is written in such a way that the moving company can pretty much deny it.

I'll survive but my CD bookcase looks so empty! So does my apartment. For those who don't know, Los Angeles has real apartments. I'm paying a little more than $500 less than what I was paying in New York and I have a big living room, dining area, kitchen, bedroom, four closets, etc. I need a desk, a table, chairs and perhaps another couch. Some book cases would be nice too. Old me would rush out and buy everything in one weekend but what is the rush. I'm not in any hurry. I like my apartment, but the parking space is a bitch to get in and out of and the street parking is horrible. As I think I mentioned, the parking and traffic has only gotten worse since I've been away.

I like my neighborhood. It's a quiet residential neighborhood just west of La Brea in the Miracle Mile area. I'm not far from West Hollywood and Hancock Park. The drive downtown to work is pretty blah but not too bad. I'm usually on the phone in my car too and from work. Yes, I'm one of those now.

Work is draining. I think I'm doing OK but there is a long way to go. It's only been three weeks or so. I've written a lot but I'm still finding my voice and figuring things out. It'll come. Some of it is fun. I get a lot of freedom to do what I want. The building is cool but a ghost town since so many have been laid off over the last two years.

The meetings here are very different from New York. I knew that already from my numerous visits over the years, but now that I have to go them it's another story. I won't go into all that here. Just say that I need a little more grit in my recovery then I see here, but then again everyone who moves away from where they got it together feels the same way so I'm sure I'll adjust. The important thing is that I'm going to the rooms even if it is to sit in the back and roll my eyes.

My LA-ex--not the recent heartbreaker but the one before--has been my angel. She takes me around and has been very supportive and a calming influence. As for the other one, staying away as I said I would. Got an email a few weeks ago congratulating me. I sent a brief thank you response to and that was that. Would just like to get the inevitable running into her over with so I can get past this shit once and for all. And then there's the old old LA-ex who I moved out here with 16 years ago. Had lunch with her. She works in the biz and has done quite well for her self and it's nice that we can still be friends.

I have other friends here from the past which helps, but I need to connect in the fellowship more. That's a little tougher but it'll come. Took me a long time in NYC too and I forget that.

My apartment is cool. Hardwood floors, plenty of space. I'm on the first floor. It's really more like a bunch of townhouses. The only thing is it is an older building so little things like the shower door doesn't shut all the way unless you slam it and the toilet sometimes takes two flushes is the norm. My lease is for a year so who knows, maybe I'll try to go modern next time. Really, it's just the parking space that's the bitch. I've met some of my neighbors and they seem cool.

My cats are still in New York. They are with my brother in Brooklyn and doing quite well. I am headed back to New York on Friday for the week. They may or may not come back with me. I'm not sure. My brother has offered to hold on to them for the summer. I think he enjoys having them around. He could end up keeping them. I do miss them. At the same time, the cat hair and litter I don't miss. I invested a lot in my cats and then when I got into what I thought was going to be a great relationship and it blew up on me they could no longer fill the void. It sounds absurd, but it's true. My gut says bring them out here but my head says wait until the summer and see how you are doing here. Everything costs more than I anticipated and I'm still getting adjusted. If I can buy a little time to figure it out then I should. That said, don't be too shocked if I come back to LA next Friday with Skinny and Fluff.

So am I happy here? I think I've decided that happiness is what I fear most. I don't know what I'd do if I were happy or could acknowledge happiness. I was thinking in a meeting tonight that I didn't drink or drug to stay happy longer. I did it to feel less bad until it made me feel worse. I was not one of those crazy guys who wanted to keep the party going. I thought booze could maybe make me forget how hopeless everything seemed until I finally realized that the booze (and what went with it) made everything hopeless. I don't feel hopeless today. That's a start.