Running To Stand Still

This morning I actually finally stopped myself from having to be in perpetual motion all the time. I woke up and was out of bed by 6:30. That's normal for me these days. I didn't have to leave the apartment until 9 but I immediately started thinking that I could go for a run or hit the gym or do all these things before I had to be somewhere at 9:30.

What this is really about is me not being in the one place I should be -- my head. I am always moving so I don't have to listen to the thoughts that pour through my brain. Most of these thoughts are not good. I'm either obsessing about the past or some girl (one girl really, yeah she's still lingering there) or beating myself up. If I'm always on the go, that doesn't happen so much.

Except nothing else does either. I have books I could be reading or poems I might be writing. But if I'm always running somewhere, I'm not using my brain, I'm dodging it. I need to embrace this endless stream of thoughts -- good and bad -- that pour through me and use them to my advantage.

This morning I finally said no. I was out the door to run when I realized that I didn't need to and didn't want and was going to the gym later anyway so why am I killing myself? I went in and read a book and made breakfast and had a very relaxed morning.

The porn is the same thing. I don't look at porn because I'm some non-stop horn dog. I look at it because for a few minutes it takes me away from me. Just the like the drink and the drug did.

This all needs to stop because otherwise I won't ever be able to really do the things I want to do, even if it is just reading a newspaper. This desire to always be moving has plagued me since I was a kid. And I don't mean moving like the move I just made to L.A. I mean everyday running around all the time and feeling like a failure if I don't have some place to go or somewhere to be. It's bullshit. Most people like to lounge around and read or write or do things that take them away from the daily obsessions of life. Somewhere I picked up the idea that doing things just for yourself is bad. Even the exercise regime I do is often more out of fear of getting out of shape then because it is something I really want to do.

I have veered off course here but I think you get my main point. I need to learn to chill and stand still. This morning I took a small step towards that.