What It Was Like

I am something of a journal keeper, or was until the blog and then Twitter entered the picture. At this rate, my journal entries will be three sentences.

But I have the hard copies from the past to remind me where I once was.

I thought I'd share a few. I'm guessing this is 2001 or 2002. I reprint this not to glorify the past. There is nothing here worth glorifying. It's just a reminder of how pathetic it had become.

It's 11:15 and the last of my songs are playing. What to do? I can stay here and drink and do more coke hoping to numb myself or I can leave. Go some where else. Do more coke and drink and numb myself? Go somewhere else? Decisions! Decisions!

For now I've opted more more coke and a beer here. I'm not ready for the trip downtown though I know it's coming. The coke is just sitting here. It's like it's stuck between my nostrils and my central nervous system. I want it to kick in, but it won't. Might be time to go downtown.

Finally at Christopher's (downtown). Coke dealer offering Ecstasy for $20. I sit at the bar and throw down my beer staring at the beautiful fag-hag knowing nothing will happen.

Here's another one:

Damn I look good. It's amazing how your outside can cover for your inside. I'm bleeding internally but no one knows. My hair is perfect. My body tone. I look into the mirror and it tells me these things.

But the mirror can't see everything and for that I'm grateful. As the hours pass and the beers do their job that mirror will turn from my best friend to my worst enemy. The blood that I fight so hard to keep inside will start pouring out of my eyes, my nose and my mouth.

It will flow over my face and show me for what I am -- a battered and bloodied carcass -- just a soul exposed in all its blackness and hatred of itself and everyone around it.

Oh yeah, those days were fun. More to come. It feels good to type this shit up and remind myself of what I did to myself for so many years. Somewhere in all this is a piece of fiction. I have no intention of doing a "Night of the Gun" or "Million Tiny Pieces" but I do want to do some dark noir.