Don't Want to See You in Everything

When you look into my eyes
Do you see the pain?

When you hear my voice
Can you tell it's still cracked?

When you see me walk
Do I still look broken?

When I see you I have to look away
When I see you I have to leave the day
When I see you I have to drop and pray
When I see you I have nothing to say

What bad turn did I go down with you
What maze is this that has no exit
Why do we cling so to the one
That did a dump and run

When I see you I feel so weak
When I see you I forget to speak
When I see you I go meek
When I see you I turn to concrete

When you look into my eyes
Do you see the hurt?

When you hear my voice
Is it beaten down?

When you see me walk
Do you laugh behind me?

Want to see you and feel no pain
Want to see you and think of rain
Want to see you and not see anything
Don't want to see you in everything

Enough Trouble

I know how to take care of myself even when I don't want to. Tonight I was going to go to an industry party. But if I did, it would have likely led me to going without a meeting until Saturday.

For some reason, I knew I would be better served showing up in a church then a party. It's not that I thought after almost five years I'd screw up. It's that I don't want it to become acceptable to go four days without checking in. The most I've gone before is three days and that was when I had pneumonia.

I know I won't forget what I am. I'm not one of those people who will gradually drift away and fall backwards. If I go back there it will be because I made a decision to return to that hell because I could no longer take this one.

So far that's not something in the cards. It's good to know that I still know that.

Someone tonight asked how long I had and when I said almost five years he exclaimed, "five years without one beer." I said I didn't think of it that way but I guess that's true.

It's important not to think of it like that. If you do, trouble starts.

I've had enough trouble. Don't need no more.

Not Taking Care

Turning left on La Brea from Melrose I took a risk. Sped up and made the turn when I should have waited. Notice that I drive faster than I should. Notice that I take bets that I shouldn't.

Am I 45 with a death wish? Sometimes I can envision the crack-up or the person I don't see in the afternoon sun flying into the air on Sixth Street.

Torn sometimes between wanting what I don't have and not wanting what I do. Pretty sure I've got that one backwards, but that's how I've always lived.

Little tired of still feeling pain over something that shouldn't have hurt. For someone who has based their whole life on being rejected, that rejection sure hurt a lot. Wish I knew why.

Sitting here listening to Landslide. Sometimes I wish I'd done more. Sometimes I wish I'd gone deeper. Cut myself harder. Bled a little more.

Don't want to feel this stuff anymore. Spend all day chasing other people's lives and the come home to none of my own.

Got all the wrong priorities. May chase away another one who wants to take care of me so I can find one who doesn't.

That way there will be two people not taking care of me.

Laurel Canyon

There is something about driving up Laurel Canyon that I love. When the traffic is light and the sun is setting there are few things more beautiful than taking those curves and looking up at those hills. It clears my mind.

We Never Cared

We never cared
When you were lost

We never cared
When you didn't come home

We never cared
When you went missing

We never cared
Until its too late

We never looked
When you vanished

We never looked
When you couldn't be found

We never looked
When you missed your birthday

We never looked
When the years rolled by

We never cried
When you didn't come back

We never cried
When they found you in the dirt

We never cried
When your bones were all that was left

We never cried
When they said you never had a chance.

Home

When I see the donut, I know I'm home. I'm safe.