Turning left on La Brea from Melrose I took a risk. Sped up and made the turn when I should have waited. Notice that I drive faster than I should. Notice that I take bets that I shouldn't.
Am I 45 with a death wish? Sometimes I can envision the crack-up or the person I don't see in the afternoon sun flying into the air on Sixth Street.
Torn sometimes between wanting what I don't have and not wanting what I do. Pretty sure I've got that one backwards, but that's how I've always lived.
Little tired of still feeling pain over something that shouldn't have hurt. For someone who has based their whole life on being rejected, that rejection sure hurt a lot. Wish I knew why.
Sitting here listening to Landslide. Sometimes I wish I'd done more. Sometimes I wish I'd gone deeper. Cut myself harder. Bled a little more.
Don't want to feel this stuff anymore. Spend all day chasing other people's lives and the come home to none of my own.
Got all the wrong priorities. May chase away another one who wants to take care of me so I can find one who doesn't.
That way there will be two people not taking care of me.
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