Just Another Night

Saw your ad at quarter to four
And a half hour later I was at your door
Just looking for one more high
Before the sun comes up and I say goodbye

Took a cab to your projects on 135th and 5th
Climbed over the bodies and trash and filth
That filled your halls and my soul
Don't know why I'm here, feel so old

You pass me a pipe and bic
It's amazing what I'll do for my dick
Gone to those places I swore I'd never go
Drawn in by the broads, booze and blow

Anything to escape myself
Anything to forget myself
Caught up in this man-made nightmare
Determined to never be clear

And that fucking sun came up again
And I'm still here stuck in the same
And it's all bullshit, I'm just afraid
Taking the cowards way is just so lame

Swear I won't be back as I stagger to the door
Throw what's left of my bag on the floor
Staggering out into that cruel daylight
And back home, just another night.

504

I guess I passed the 500 post milestone the other week and didn't realize it. Not a whole lot to say about it. I'm glad I have this thing. It is helping me try to do more writing but I'm still a long way off. I need to really get back on it because frankly I need the distraction. I have no hobbies really or I should say the ones I do are the ones that I need to get rid of or else I'll have some real issues down the road.

Heading into a new year and I have pretty good reason to think it'll be a good one. Yes, it will be challenging and an emotional roller coaster but I think I'm headed down a road I want to go down. I hope I'm not getting ahead of myself but we'll have to see what happens.

I still have a lot of demons to confront but I've done pretty good against the big ones and sooner or later, and my hunch is sooner, I will go after the next big one.

I think I have found something. I think I have had that moment when suddenly things make sense. But at the same time, none of this comes easy to me.

I know I have to write something, finish something. I'm not sure what it is and therein lies the struggle.

Well, this is where my head is at today. I need to take a run now. Blow some of the tension out of my body.

Christmas Memories

It was Christmas eve and we were in her apartment doing lines. It was about 3 a.m. We'd been drinking and snorting for the last seven hours. Every part of us was numb except our hearts. Those were managing to squeeze out a few beats of tired blood despite of our best efforts.

Sooner or later we'd tire of our jaw clenching conversations about music, about families, about how wronged we'd been, about how misunderstood we were, about all the great things that would happen or about all the bad things that had already happened.

When we ran out of steam we'd end up in the bedroom and gradually poke and paw without really looking at each other, without really being there. We were just praying that maybe being inside each other would take away what the booze and blow couldn't. Alas, it never did.

In one of those moments of clarity I realized this was not really where I wanted to go. Maybe it was during the strains of U2's "All That You Can't Leave Behind," I really don't remember, but at one point I looked in her eyes and said, `I can't do this anymore. I need help.'

And she looked right back at me and said, `I can't help you.'

It was the most honest thing she'd ever said.

Keep Me Close

Twenty four days since I've seen you
Feels like twenty four years
So much has happened in that time
Gotten so much closer from so far away.

Am I pushing too fast
Or is the dream within my grasp
Am I saying what I mean
Or what I want you to hear

Think you know what love is going to be
Just want to get it back to you and me
Turn off the noise, shut down the lights
Let me hold you close in the dead of night

You're so near and yet just out of reach
And I'm doing my best to show you who I am
And I'll still be there when it hits the fan
Won't let you down like those who went before

Knew when I first saw you all those years ago
That you could be the one if I could step up
And I had to go to hell and back
To be that guy who's the guy for you

You weren't looking for me
But here I am and we're in it
I won't cut and run that I promise
Just don't leave me out when it hits the fan

Keep me close
Don't let me out of sight
Gotta trust that I'm here
Through the darkest night

Powerless

Just want to be there and get you through
Feel so helpless from here
I know this isn't really about you
But you're in pain which means I am too

Life isn't always fair
And sometimes people don't get their share
Of the breaks and the breath that we take for granted
As we all make our way through each day

No one seems to know what's wrong
Just because they're in a building and where gowns
Doesn't mean they have all the answers
Only means sometimes they don't ask all the questions

Wish I could chase it all away
Make all that pain just dissipate
See that smile back in your eyes
Hearing you laugh now would make me cry

Now we see what powerless is
On our knees looking for grace
So easy to get mad right now
But that's not what it's all about

We can't know where this will go
Can only do our part and hope
And no matter what happens in the end
I'll still be here holding you more

Worth All That's Gone

Still see those bruises on you
Why'd you stay there so long?
Couldn't stand to see him take you down
So I did what you couldn't
And he'll never touch you again

Think of me for the next twenty years
I wouldn't have it any other way
Just wish I had more time to hide him
But that's the way it got played
And now we'll just have to wait

Wish I could undo all he did
Take back every stitch and cut
Make you the bright shiny girl again
Instead of a scared lost waif
Looking to run from everyone

Hate what he did to you
Hate what it made me do
Stuck here staring at these walls
Shouldn't be here I know
But if I wasn't you wouldn't be out there

So I'll sit here and wait out my time
Don't need no visitors, no reminders
Just promise me when I walk out in twenty
That you'll be there with a smile and I'll know
It was worth all that's gone

Well, That's Different

Stumbled off this, uh, unique cover of one of my favorite Kink's songs. It starts out like "Heart of Glass" and then seems to turn into some sort of Eno/Roxy Music groove. It's growing on me.

Higher Power

Ignored all the warnings
Seen it a thousand times before
Yet I was blind when it showed up at my door
And now I got no more

Turned you into my higher power
Forgot what they told me not to do
And now I'm so lost in the idea of you
That I've turned back on all those rules

And it's got nothing to do with you
Wish I could lay it on your face
Easy to say some bitch knocked me off my place
Nice little lie to say she turned me back into a waste

But you've been a perfect angel
I'm the one intent on taking me down
Can't stop them voices from pushing me around
Don't know how to get myself off the ground

Convinced myself that I've got nothing now
You're out there in life and I'm here in death
Told myself that what I've built is stealth
Turned all my truth into lies and now I'm someone else

Smile

A guy I knew died the other day. He was not a good friend, but he was someone I knew and had done some work with on a regular basis. I don't know how he died. I'd seen him a few weeks ago and he seemed fine but what the hell does that mean anyway?

This is not a post asking for sympathy for the writer. As I said, I knew him but I wouldn't call us pals.

This is a post to remind all of us, mostly me, to try to smile and enjoy a little bit of each day no matter how bad things might seem or how awful we might feel. I can get my mind wrapped up in the stupidest shit in the world (see yesterday's poem) and totally miss out on how wonderful my life really is right now. I have a job. It pays me well. I don't go wanting for much. I'm in the beginning phases of a relationship that if I just let happen could be a wonderful thing. It's so easy to focus on what I don't have in life. It's so easy to be a negative, cynical jerk. It's been my go to move for years.

I've done a lot in the last few years to stop that kind of self-destructive, self-loathing attitude but it can still creep back in on occasion. And I also can sabotage myself and I really hope I don't with this relationship. It has enough challenges without my crazy mind mucking things up more.

To get back on point, if you are reading this blog you probably for the most part are doing OK. We don't get a lot of time on this planet and for we rarely get to decide when we leave. Even if life hasn't worked out quite the way you wanted, embrace what you have instead of bemoaning what you don't. I know I will try.

Rambler Out.

Screams

Mind racing in a thousand different directions
Feel like I just took a handful of speed and I want to punch walls until my hands break and bleed
Can't shut those fucking voices out of my head telling me to blow myself up

Don't know why I go there, especially when everything looks so bright and beautiful
But here I sit and I can't sit still
Here I stand and I can't stand still

I have no reason to feel this way and yet here I am. A loser. A fuck-up. A hater.

Want to slash my face until I'm scarred and bleeding. Want to rip my nuts off and throw them on the floor

I don't know how...

Air Disco

Rambler headed out west for the weekend and tried out Virgin. The price is cheaper than Jet Blue and they fly into LAX vs. Burbank or John Wayne down in Orange County. For Rambler's money, LAX is one of the easiest airports to navigate in and to get to from Los Angeles.

Anyway, upon walking into the cabin you feel like you are in a disco. The crew is dressed in all back and there's electronica/dance music playing and the whole place has this pink glow to it. You almost want to find a stall, whip out your straw and have some fun.

Like Jet Blue, Virgin has televisions in every seat. You can also buy movies for seven dollars a pop or watch cable for free. There is also a pretty decent music selection. I kept listening to Bizarre Love Triangle because a) it seemed to fit the flight and b) it most definitely fit my rare ecstatic mood.

They have food but unlike other airlines, you decide when you want to eat. Just order something off the screen at anytime during the flight and they'll bring it to you. You pay, of course but I've been giving this some thought and I'm not so sure that's such a big deal to me anymore. Hell, Amtrak never gave away food, why should the airlines?

The seats are quite comfortable. Even the middle seat didn't look so bad. And the pretape with safety displays was animated and very clever vs. the same tired staid tapes we hear on every other airline. I know, safety is not meant to be fun but this tape managed to be cute and funny without taking away from the importance of the message.

Overhead storage space seems better on Virgin then other airlines. However, they don't have a coat rack at the front of the plane, which kind of sucks. Truthfully though, that's about the only major flaw I found.

I know this is more of a Consumer Reports than a typical Rambler post but hell someone has a nice product out there so why not hype it.

Keep The Light On

Won't you keep the light on for me?
I'll be back in your arms soon
Leave that door open won't you please
I'm bruised, battered and bleeding

Need to see those green eyes
Feel your touch on my soul
Won't you keep the light on for me
And I'll bring you all you need

Hate that you're so far away
Both in mind and body
I'm crawling on my knees to get to you
Please baby, let me stay

Just hold me tight and let me heal
Feel your soft lips on my wounds
Let your blood warm me up
Won't you keep the light on for me?

I won't go again
I'm done fighting myself
So take me in I'm pleading
And leave the light on for me.

Here I Am

Haven't been posting as much lately. Partly because I don't have a hell of a lot to say at the moment and partly because I've been again working on a story only this one is in a notebook instead of being trotted out here where it dies an early death from lack of attention.

For once I want to try to finish something I start. And I think by writing longhand in a notebook, I stand a better chance of getting something done. I need to stop worrying about where it goes and just try to get there. I am a blow up the bridge before I cross it kind of guy and that means I think of ten reasons not to do something instead of just pushing myself.

With the writing that means I let the voices tell me this won't go anywhere or that I'm boxed in a corner or that I'm bored now but I'll come back later. Basically anything to stop from actually sitting down for say thirty minutes a day and just letting the shit come out.

And it's not like I'm trying to write the great American novel or something. Just some tawdry pulp. I just want to finish something and hopefully I'll get there.

As for not putting a lot out here right now, I want to get back on that stick too. It's too easy to say I'll take a day or two off from this. Before I know it, five days have past and it becomes all the harder to cut myself and bleed a little.

It's not that I don't know who reads what or who thinks what of what I write. Not to be all Ivan Drago here, but I do this for me. I hope some people like what I do or am trying to do. I hope that some identify with my shit and I LOVE when people post comments, even if its only to tell me my poetry is morose.

I'm trying to battle a few more demons these days. No, the old ones have not returned. But there are others that need to be dealt with as well or else they'll torpedo whatever it is I want for myself, both personally and professionally.

So that's where I'm at right now. And now that I've started this, I think I'll crank out one of those morose poems.