I Got Nothing

For you
Got nothing for me
Got nothing for that guy down the street
Got nothing for the lady with no pants
Got nothing for the man with no job
I got nothing

So there's this woman who peddles AM New York, our free daily, in front of the 96th Street station. Clearly she is impaired. It is the most depressing thing to walk by her every day and here say over and over again, "AM New York, read all about it, have a nice day" in the voice of a twelve year-old who got hit with a frying pan. I pass her on my descent into the hell that is that station and think there has to be somewhere else.

Yes, I'm a little burnt on New York. I'm coming up on ten years here and really starting to want out. I'm also forgetting that I'm not supposed to regret the past. I'm full of regrets. Should is a word that needs to leave my vocabularly but I'm stuck in should've done this, should've done that.

It's a sure fire way back to self-loathing. I know I need to stop and need to get over this shit and stop trying to find some quick fix like a new job or something. The answer is in me, not on the outside.

But for now, I got nothing.

AM New York, have a nice day.

Out Of Steam

When do I stop hurting?

I know, I know. Why don't you shut up and learn to pitch you stupid kid.

Not Yet

Got nothing
To say
Right Now
Would like to smile
But I can't

I know you're sick of my mellow dramatic bullshit
Not as much as I am
Wasn't my plan to be like this today
But someone else has the say

So I'll just ride it out
Day after day throw it at me
Won't get me to crack
Won't get me to bend
I'm not going out yet

That's not the plan for me
No more misery

Open The Fucking Window Already

I'm just sayin....

Wish I had some pithy thing to say to make you laugh
But truth is my stomach feels like it's trying to digest shards of glass
Feel the blood flowing all over my insides
And maybe I'm running out of time

Dirty Blvd.

Well, I won't be going anywhere anytime soon. My exit visa to the West didn't come through. Gave it my best shot, wouldn't have done anything different except maybe have moved a little faster but I'll accept that for now I guess I'm supposed to stay here.

There is a saying in my little world that rejection is protection. In that case, 2009must be the year of protection for Rambler. It's been a month since the official demise of my relationship and I'm still hurting. I hurt because it came with no warning. Literally everything was fine one day and the next it wasn't.

Whatever. I'm here, for now anyway. I might as well make the most of it.

At 5:30 a.m.

(Guess we'll try to keep this one going a little...)

"Yeah, well I love the man you wish you were."

That one stopped me. I turned around just as she was heaving a Corona at the door I was on the verge of walking out of.

"So do I," I said as the bottle smashed into the door behind me and covered me with beer and glass. I instinctively covered my head and felt glass bounce off my hands. I don't know why, but I started to laugh.

"Oh my God, I'm sorry, I can't believe I did that."

"What's your name again?"

"Monica."

"That's nice."

"What's yours?"

"John."

"Well John, are you leaving or staying? You were man enough to make me cum, are you man enough not to run?"

I never had been before and this one threw a bottle at my head.

"I don't know. You're the first one that's ever wanted me to stay."

I walked back towards her as she got up from the floor and wiped a tear from her face. Maybe it's the ones that try to kill you that are worth dying for.

.....

At 5 a.m.

I felt around in the dark for my pants. I thought she'd tossed them in the corner after she tore them off me but they weren't there. I didn't want to bother her. She was still asleep. I just wanted to get out of there without leaving a trail, or anymore of one than I already left.

I couldn't remember her name. Just another waitress at 5 a.m. She was fun. I knew she would be as soon as I saw her at the B&G. I was already pretty wired. Sitting at home doing lines until 1 a.m. tends to have that effect. By the time I came in I was ready to explode. Filled with fake charm I managed to amuse her with my cracks although I think it was the twenties I kept using to pay for my drinks that really drew her attention. When I slipped her my vial I knew this would be an easy score.

I waited until the last of the punks had been shown the door and then we locked up, headed to a deli up the street for some reinforcements and then to her apartment over on 4th and A.

Once we were there we sprawled out on her couch, fueled up and then explored each other. I worked her pants down and started to kiss up her thighs. I begin to lick her through her panties and she thrust herself into my face pleading for me to take them off. I slid them to the side and tasted her wetness and she let out a loud gasp. I found her spot and teased her for a few minutes before pulling her panties down in one swift motion. Once they were off her legs wrapped around my head pulling me in for more.

After she came she pushed me on my back and returned the favor. She was exceptional. She knew there was more than just moving your head up and down. She knew how to use her hands and her tongue. She teased the tip repeatedly until I exploded in her mouth and she took me inside. We kissed after that and passed out on the floor.

And now the sun was starting to peak through the window. It felt like I'd been there forever, but it had barely been two hours. Still, that was two hours more than I needed. I finally found my pants, slipped them on and started to the door. Another cum and run in the books.

"Where you going," she said.

"Uh, I was just.."

"Just leaving? Just figuring it wasn't going to get any better than her swallowing me so I better split?"

"Something like that."

"What a sad existence."

"Yeah, I guess so."

"Well, you can get the fuck out of here then."

"Do you want me to stay."

"No, I want a man. If you see one, send him in."

"I was one once."

Or so I thought...

Gone

Escape
No option
Smoke
Can't
Blow
Won't
Suck
Wish
Death
Not yet
New York
Done
West
I come
Need
Start
Over
Pull
Out
of
This
Mess
Once And For All
Stare into the West

Sit Here Waiting

Stuck in this darkness again
And I know I'm not going anywhere
Sit here waiting
And where are you

Got caught in a nightmare again
Struck down when I thought it was right
Sit here waiting
And where are you

Didn't know I could feel so much
From what was in reality so little
Sit here waiting
And where are you

It was two months
And it went so fast
Sit here waiting
And where are you

I flew so high
And crashed down so loud
Sit here waiting
And where are you

You're not coming back
Stuck in that bookmark
Sit here waiting
And where are you

Broke my heart
Just when it was learning to beat again
Sit here waiting
And where are you

Here We Go Again

Sorry for the gap in posts. Just not feeling it at all. That said, time for an update. Sometimes pain means change. A relationship that I thought held tremendous promise, perhaps I over thought that, has been "bookmarked." Those are her words. Anyway, I'm not going to get into all that right now. I care a lot about this person and know she is going through some tough times and maybe we'll find our way back to each other again, or not.

But the pain I felt from having this end has led me to take some steps. I finally had a real talk with the old man about our relationship and what it was like being his son. It was honest painful and real and only possible because I was in enough pain to finally say what I've been holding back for decades. He took everything in and there were no blowups. It's up to me now to be able to move on from the past. I don't know if I can, but at least I know I left nothing on the table.

I wrote a piece and submitted it for publication. I still haven't heard yet but if the place I sent it turns it down, I'll just send it somewhere else. Anyone who knows me or reads this knows I struggle to finish anything but in this case I was motivated, banged it out and did it. If nothing comes of it, at least I finished something for once.

Lastly, we all know I'm not in love with my job. Well, this week I went after a job and while I'm a long way from getting it, the process is starting and I feel hopeful about my chances. This job, if I get it, would mean moving back to a place I used to live and I think it is something I want. Some might think I'm using the wrong motivation with this particular case since this job and said girl are in the same city. I don't think that is the case.

The good thing about all this is that this relationship situation has forced me to really address things I don't like in my life and start to make changes. I know some might say you are moving too fast. Wait six months and see if you really still want out of New York. This job won't be there in six months and I know I don't want to be in my current one in six months. As for New York, if I bomb I'll come back.

I know that if, and it is a big if, this thing comes to fruition that my first priority will be getting connected out there. You know what I mean. I can't let what I've worked so hard on for over three years start to drift in a new town. I know how it happens. Oh, you've got the cash and prizes now, you don't need to focus so much on the meetings and the program. Bullshit. I will need to really reach out and establish a network like I did here. It will go against all my instincts, which means it is the right thing to do.

I know what I have to do and I'm doing it.

Rambler Out!