I'm getting older too

I'm sitting here listening to Stevie Nicks singing "Landslide."


"I'm getting older too."


And I am. Running out of time to figure out what I want. Afraid that by the time I figure it out it'll be too late and I'll be alone for good.


Don't know what made me so afraid of life. Can only look back and point fingers for so long. At some point it doesn't matter anymore. Those reasons won't seem so important alone in the dark. Those people will be faded into dust.


And it's on me anyway. I can have anything I want if I'm want it. If I want to write a book I can write a book. And if I don't. If I want to waste my days and nights in some world that doesn't exist then that's what I'll get in the end -- a non-existance.


A co-worker's brother was murdered today. A guy I know in the business dropped dead of a heart attack the other day. Our time here is limited. And if I'm going to spend it obsessing about the past or dreaming of the future ... well then I'm pissing on the present, as anyone whose spent a day in the rooms knows.


Speaking of the rooms. All this is at least hammering home the need to stay close. A guy I know went out last week. I'm not going to comment on what I thought of his sobriety or program, the point is he forgot the basics and paid the price. Hopefully he'll get it next time.


My favorite meeting is going through a transition. Always a moody meeting, it has shrunk lately. Most of the regulars are gone. I feel like I'm keeping the light on for them. I don't mind. That room is the one place in L.A. AA where I feel truly comfortable and if one day it's me and my shadow there, those walls will keep me sober for the day.


I wish I liked the recovery out here more but I think most of it is bullshit. Fortunately I had wise teachers who told me to focus on what I need from it and take it. I can get resentments against the people in the rooms, just not the rooms themselves.


Didn't mean to turn this into another one of those posts. The truth is I just wanted to write something before I went to bed. Figure if I can just push the rock a little each day then maybe it will move a few feet up the mountain.


"Time makes you bolder."