Invisible Man

I had to go to Burbank this afternoon for a meeting. I fought traffic all the way there so when it was over I decided I'd get dinner there and then drive back when traffic was lighter.

I ended up in at a Japanese restaurant in an anonymous Toluca Lake strip mall. Food was surprisingly decent and I felt very relaxed with the feeling that no one in the world at that moment knew or cared where I was or what I was doing.

Sitting in this little dive of a restaurant felt so peaceful. I could just be in my skin. I sometimes get that feeling when I'm in a cab to the airport at 5:00 in the morning. The streets are empty and I feel like I'm the only person in the world. Of course there's the driver but I'm a narcissist so he doesn't even exist.

Same thing at the restaurant. I could just sit there and feel completely invisible to the world.

It's a nice feeling.

Don't Panic

A friend said it's too depressing
I'm not quite sure why
Put my words out here so they don't live in my head
And take up permanent residence
It's just way of blowing off some steam
It's not really as bleak as it seems
I put the dark stuff here
So I'm not carrying it out there
Has to have a place to live and breathe
Otherwise it will destroy everything it sees
It becomes harmless when it leaves my blood
And ends up works on a screen that few will read
Not trying to be a downer
Even if some of these seem like wrist slitters
It's actually a cleansing process
That keeps everything in perspective
So don't call 9-1-1.
This is just how I have fun

Face the Sins

Move from ally to ally
From can to can
Looking for something to eat
Something that tastes all right
Sleep during the day
No one fucks with you then
But when the sun goes down
It's best to be on the move
Roam the streets until dawn
Can't take a chance by lying down
Some punk with a can of gas and a match
Might light a fire just for laughs
When the sun comes up
Get some rest in the park
If no cops show, rest until dark
They stopped looking years ago
Lost cause, already dead
Can't blame them really
Didn't want to be found
And now it's too late to go back
Wouldn't know where to start or what to say
Easier just to live day by day
Then face the sins that got me this way

Jitters

Jitters lives under a house
She's as quiet as a mouse
Takes her a long time to trust
Animal control removed her ability to lust

Jitters eats my food for free
In return I just let her be
She likes to play with my cat Fluff
But sometimes she can be a little rough

Jitters lets me pick her up and hold her
She doesn't let anyone else go there
She carved a hole in my window screen
So she can come and go when she wants to be seen

Jitters jumps at the slightest sound
She's aware of everything that's around
Can't ever sneak up on her
She's a living motion detector

Jitters waits for me to come home
Deep down she doesn't like to be alone
She wants love and security like you and me
As long as she can still be free

Why

Why
Get up
Get dressed
Go out
Work
Love
Be vulnerable
Be honest
Be open
Just to get hurt again
Just to be alone again
Just to be reminded again
I'm not like everybody else

Why
Pretend
Pose
Clean the dishes
Just throw them away
Start all over again
Buy new clothes
Just get worn out again
Answer the phone
No one there that matters anyway
Read the paper
Just more death and destruction
And reminders of what can never be

Why
Why not?

Still Burning

The fire still burns
A phone call, an email
And you're off in pursuit
Trying to beat the next guy
Hoping to get the scoop
Talk to dozens a day
Wondering whose lying
And whose telling the truth
Not always so easy to figure out
What comes out of someone's mouth

Stop and start and start and stop
Build up and tear down
Spend an hour writing the perfect sentence
Only to have it rewritten by some clown

And then another call
Throws the story out the window
Back on the hunt for the truth
Or at least some version of it that will stick to the wall
Then the chefs all come in
To mess with the ingredients in my soup
By the time they are done shaking and stirring
You often don't recognize what's sitting in the pot
It doesn't look the same and the taste is gone
Oh if only you could have yelled stop

Stop and start and start and stop
Build up and tear down
Spend an hour writing the perfect sentence
Only to have it rewritten by some clown

So you push back a little
And bit by bit try to get something you can live with
In the end your story is a urinal
That everybody takes a piss in
Yet when that phone rings again
The fire starts all over
Your heart beats faster
This time you'll stay up all night
Won't stop until you get the answers
And your blood is all over the keys

Lonely Uncle

See all those pictures on the wall
The kids when they were young and small
Then they got big and tall
But I'm the same through it all

Watched my nieces and nephews grow
Never gave them any cousins, oh no
Not even an aunt to bring to their home
I'm always the uncle who's all alone

I'm not here to get any sympathy
Don't need to a violin played for me
I made my choices, made my bed
But that doesn't mean their aren't regrets in my head

When it's my turn to go it won't be family sorting through my stuff
Probably some random strangers and a big dump truck
Pack my things and toss them away
And dump me in some anonymous grave

I hope I do it better the next time around
Get this family thing finally off the ground
Was too scared that I'd be no good
Now I know too late that I would

End Up Here

The days are gray with the past
Keep looking back wondering how I got here
But it's so dark and foggy now I don't remember anymore
Does it really matter?

Not sure if I expected things to be different
Frankly not sure if I expected anything at all
Was too scared of marriage and family
Saw too much of that mess growing up

And I didn't think I'd be able to it any better
So I made sure to steer clear of that path
Maybe I was wrong, maybe I was right
Won't figure any of that out tonight

The pictures all go flashing by
I don't have the energy to focus
So many faces so many dreams
And none were to end up here

I Don't Have the Energy to Claim $13

Got a letter from the Dept. of Water and Power. Apparently a class action suit against their billing practices was settled. I'm due a credit or refund of $13.10 for being over billed.

But it's a really long form.

I need an intern.

There is no flame

I'm listening to Pete Townshend's "Stop Hurting People," the first on All the Best Cowboys Have Chinese Eyes.

Love conquers poses.
Love smashes stances
Love crushes angles into black
So you, without question
Know your first love
Is your last
And you, will never - never -
Love again

I always picture myself in the bar car on a train when this playing staring at a women at the end of the bar hoping for an opportunity to light her cigarette and strike up a conversation. Of course, now there are few bar cars and no smoking. Below is a live version which isn't quite as snappy as the studio mix. The Boog always made fun of this song so expect a snarky comment.

May I be matched with you again.

Smile

A happy one just to show it can be done.

I'm going to wear my smile today
Not going to let anything get in my way
Show me a frown and I'll turn it upside down
A smile is the only way for me to get around

Cut me off?
A smile for you
Took my parking space?
A smile for you
Tell me to get lost?
A smile for you
Laugh in my face?
A smile for you

I'm going to wear my smile today
No matter what life throws my way
Even if the whole world is mean to me
A smile is the only way for me to be

Take the last apple?
A smile for you.
Jump me in line
A smile for you
Grab my peach Snapple
A smile for you
Shortchange me a dime
A smile for you

I'm going to wear my smile today
Don't care if it rains on my parade
You can give me all your dirty looks
They'll all be smiles in my book.

Spark

Out of pain comes pleasure
A spark lit again
Yes words are back
Don't know how long it will last
Just trying to do some each day

Don't care who looks
Don't care who doesn't
Never did it for that anyway
It was just a place for me to blow off steam
Know what I mean

Still many stories to tell
Still some verses to set free
From deep inside my head
Like giving blood
Jab a needle in and let it flow

I don't claim to be anything more than I am
Just a guy trying to get through the day
Cash and prizes are nice
But not the end game for me
Just want these words to set me free

Back to the Shell

They tell you to be vulnerable but they don't mean it
They tell you you're only as sick as your secrets
They tell you your walls are keeping the good out
They tell you nothing you did or say will scare them away

So you let your guard down little by little
Reveal the things you've done or had done to you
So much in the past it shouldn't matter anymore anyway
But then it turns out there's no such thing as past crimes

Suddenly what made you intriguing and interesting
What made you worldly and wise
What made you daring and different
Ends up being nothing but your disease

The good things you say and do don't matter
Because long ago and far away you were someone else
That heart you guarded so preciously until now
Is smashed to pieces and left on the floor

Because while you were being open and vulnerable
A case was being made against you
Evidence from long ago, circumstantial and real
Used to distort the person you'd become into something unrecognizable

Now it's back to the shell
Because as dark as it is in here
It beats stepping out into the sun
Only to have it go away

50 Minute Hour *

Tired of your fifty minute hours
Bored of your lame interrogations
Stop looking for that lost boy
He might get out of this chair and kick your ass
Every week it's the same thing

Open up a pothole, poke around inside
Patch it up again and send me on my way
Keep waiting for that magic moment
When I break down and say, oh that's why

But this isn't an object in the mirror
Not getting closer than it appears

So we keep  digging around
Trying to get to the cause
Sometimes it's better not to ask why
Just fill that hole with concrete
And hope it stays sealed

Of course it never does
It cracks ever so slowly
Because the cement won't hold
Pipes are busted inside and soon will explode

At some point it becomes too much
This building up and tearing down
So I'll leave my final check on the desk
And realize a few holes and leaky pipes
Can't be fixed in a 50 minute hour

And who said I had too anyway?

*Initially published in 2008 as a four line quickie. This is extended dance mix.

LA Drivers

LA drivers making me crazy
On the 10, the 405 and even the 2
LA drivers making me crazy
They're gonna kill me and you

Every day is a nightmare
Whether I'm downtown or in the canyons
Every driver is so unaware
I pray I'll get home still standing

Texting
Talking
Reading
Eating

Doing everything but looking at the road

Texting
Talking
Reading
Eating

One wrong move and you'll be toast

Cutting across three lanes of traffic
Making a left from the right lane
Don't care that their causing havoc
Starting to drive me insane

LA drivers making me crazy
On the 10, the 405 and even the 2
LA drivers making me crazy
They're gonna kill me and you

Clutter

Used to get rid of newspapers every day.
Now they pile up instead of being thrown away
Another sign of aging when you let those little things go
And before you know it, you've gone down the clutter hole

Clutter in the living room
Clutter in the hall
Clutter in the bed room
Even clutter on the walls

Happened to my mom too
got so bad I once came home
spent days throwing away clutter until I was through
Then I saw that clutter kept her from feeling all alone

Clutter in the living room
Clutter in the hall
Clutter in the bed room
Even clutter on the walls

After she died it took a week to fine the floor
Unopened mail going back years, kitchen full of dishes and plates
Every time it looked like there was daylight, there was more
Even the cat box overflowed with waste

Clutter in the living room
Clutter in the hall
Clutter in the bed room
Even clutter on the walls

I don't want to live in clutter no more
Got me some big green bags from the store
Remove this clutter that I dread.
Then the only clutter left will be in my head