Powerlessness

I'm getting a lesson in this today. I don't mean in a bad way or that something bad is happening to me. Something bad is happening to someone very close to me though and I feel powerless because there is nothing I can do to help except to be there and show up.

That, of course, is all that is being asked of me and I'm glad I'm in a space now where I know what that means and the importance of it. Too often attitudes can be `well if I can't do everything or make something go away I should just try not to do anything.' Sometimes all it takes is for people to know you are there. That's new for me and I naturally assume I'm doing everything wrong. That's my standard operating procedure, assume I'm doing everything wrong until reassured that's not the case.

Also got a lesson this weekend about fantasizing, which was always one of weak points. This isn't the usual Carmen Electra's car broke down in front of my place and she needs to crash (actually, she's gotten too skinny so that fantasy really doesn't exist anymore). Yesterday I kept envisioning myself making stellar plays in the outfield and knocking the crap out of the ball in my softball game. Instead I went two for six at the plate and had a couple of, what's the word for it, memorable plays in the field.

Now, I'm not saying there is something wrong with daydreaming about getting the big hit or the diving catch...and I did get a big hit in the game. But there was a difference between passing daydreams and my obsessiveness which ended up being self-defeating and taking my head out of the game.

I've gone from the seriousness of a friend in a need to the triviality of softball but I think there is a theme here and that is sometimes it's best just to show up and see what happens rather than play director in my head. Woody Allen once said 90% of life is just showing up. That line has been misinterpreted over the years as a self-deprecating joke. I don't think that's what he meant and even if it is, that's not how I interpret it. Most people don't show up. If one can learn to show up, then maybe life isn't so bad.

I know, another weird post but what do you want, it's raining, I miss someone, and I'm trying to figure out how to show up. It's not as easy as it looks.