Charlie Sheen was once asked why he paid for sex. He replied that he didn't pay for sex; he paid for women to leave after sex.
I know the feeling. And it sucks.
But that's not what I'm going to babble about here. Instead, I'll try to explain why I've once again let this Internet thing get out of hand. It sucks away my time and makes my life unmanageable and yet I can't surrender.
Maybe if I put the shit out here, it will help me come to terms and recognize that I need to chill a little. First of all, it's not about the whacking. If that's all it was then this would be no big deal. I'd take five minutes, rub one out and be done with it.
No, for me and for millions like me it is about the search. It is about the hunt for that new clip that will beat (ha ha) all the other clips I beat to and bring me to a new level of orgasm. It'll be the perfect clip. And since it is the perfect clip I seek, the search is never-ending.
It was the same thing with phone sex for me. I would go hours talking to girls and then stop myself before I could finish on the off chance that there might be a better girl out there. Of course, truth is a lot of phone sex girls aren't very good at their jobs so finding the right one can take time. My problem was that I'd find the right one and then drag that shit out forever.
At least the search for the next great clip is free. You don't want to know how much money I pissed away on phone sex.
I could argue that I'm not hurting anyone. This doesn't cost me money, just time so what's the big deal?
Well, the truth is that this is all about escape. And it's not the big bad world I'm escaping when I do this, it's me. For some reason, whether it's ADD or some other shit, I can't just read a book when I get home or watch TV or listen to music. I have to search. It's really not that different from drinking and drugging. It's me isolating from the world and myself.
I've been told that I put too much personal shit on this thing. Well I figure the more I expose and the more I blow the lid off my shit the better the odds are that maybe I'll start to change what I can change and accept what I can't. And that's what it's all about for me today.
2 comments:
Your hunt then, is for freedom. There are multiple sites which will show you the way to break the hold this shit has on your mind. And you shall know the truth and the truth will set you free. Really.
You know, its our nature. One thing to another. Do we ever reach that place where we are fully recovered?
No. We don't fully recover from addiction. There is no graduation ceremony.
The key for me is accepting just that. Our defects of character don't ever go away, we just learn to deal with them in such a way that we don't hurt ourselves or others.
You'll tire of the porn. Tire of the soul-sickness you feel. Just like I get sick of the brownies and ice cream.
Its easier for we women, we don't need the visual (wink).
Its not easy. You're a very courageous person. Keep up the good work.
When I get really bound up in my head I like to call someone interesting...just to get out of my head, away from the internet relationships, blogs, etc.
Easy Does It...
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