Do I Dare Disturb The Universe?

Anyone remember that from The Chocolate War?

It's how I feel lately. I'm full of questions. Such as:
What do I want?
What don't I want?
What has meaning?
What's bullshit?
What is life?
What different does what I do during the day make when it is ultimately what I do at night that will bring happiness?

I think that last one is the big one. I'm 43. I am in midlife crisis mode I guess minus the sports car and the girl. I am starting to grasp that work isn't as important as it once was to me. Now maybe if I was writing great novels I'd feel differently about it. But I'm not writing great novels or even bad ones. And fuck, I'm not even sure I want to do that.

I know that happiness has to come from within before one can find it on the outside. I know that looking at envy at the careers and lives of others doesn't really do me any good, especially when I realize that I don't want to do what they do.

I'm not sure how hard I want to work. I used to be a very hard worker. I was using it to escape many of these thoughts I share here. I'd like to think that if I found something I was passionate about, that work ethic would return Maybe it would, I don't know.

I sometimes think about becoming a shrink or a counsellor of some sort. But then the self-doubt kicks in and the greed kicks in and before you know it I write it off as a passing phase. I used to think about teaching, but six weeks into teaching a class at a local college tells me that may not be the right thing either.

I want to be a worker among workers and be content with that. I want to accept myself. Harder than it sounds.