Trying To Be Grateful

A couple of pals lost their jobs this week. Both were reporters at a place I used to work at and considered seriously returning to last year. In other words, I could have been one of them. Fortunately, as low as my ego is with regards to my personal life right now, professionally I figure I would've survived if I'd gone back. I'm just that good.

This is not what this post is about. I have other friends now out of work or very worried about losing their jobs. And I sit here battling what I've dubbed "retired firefighter syndrome." I have this overwhelming urge to rush back into this burning building known as print journalism and go down with my buddies.

That's not going to happen, obviously. And I have to remember that I have a job and for now, some security. Even if I don't like my job or am unchallenged by it, it pays me better than any other job I've ever had. Yes, I have the velvet coffin syndrome. I feel like I'm on the sidelines of life here but that has more to do with my ego and my mood than anything with reality. My buddies who have lost their jobs or about to would kill to be in my spot. Yet everyday I try to find the gratitude of my situation and I can't.

I know I probably sound like a spoiled brat. Let me have it. I deserve it. Maybe it'll wake me up, but I doubt it.

So Here We Are

I haven't been too prolific these days. Was I ever? Well, I was a little more than I have been. First I had love to distract me. Now I have heartbreak to keep me from this wall. I am working on some other stuff, but not for this space...at least not yet.

I'm a little spent on the poetry and a little beat up in general. I'm literally in the minute-to-minute game. It's not fun. Rambler will tell you this (little third person there for ya, Xmastime, if you're still reading) despite the pain I'm in, no bad habits have crept back into my life. If I'm doing one thing right through all this, it's that.

I fell to fast for this one and maybe I projected a little bit. I had my fantasy but it didn't mesh with reality. Someone said love is an act of deliberate blindness and in my case maybe that fit. All I know is one day the person I knew for two months was someone else and that person didn't want me anymore. Wish I had a more detailed answer or explanation. It really was that fast. And a fountain of happiness and joy that was feeding me for two months straight suddenly dried up with no warning.

It sucks. I've kept my side of the street clean. It's all I can do. I've since learned that she has a bit of history like this. Wish I'd done my homework first. Of course, if she calls I'll be right there again.

And if the same thing happens...well

Wake Up

Think I just got smacked in the face
Just realized what's really going down
How did I get stuck in this place?
When did I become your clown?

Thought you were telling me like it was
And now I see I'm just stuck on call
Had me fooled pretty good and I lost
But I'm not going to let you see me fall

Knocked Down

For some reason I didn't post this six months ago when I wrote it...Can honestly say I'm not in this place anymore. Wound isn't closed, but it is healing a little. Anyway...


Back to counting days again
Not from the drink or the drug
Not from the booze or the blow
No, it's a woman that knocked me down

Underneath every skirt is a slip
That's what the oldtimers say
Thought I was ready to fly
Three plus years under my belt oh my

But she sent me reeling
And now I'm going minute-to-minute
Trying not to self-destruct
Trying to keep it together for one more second

Each hour seems like a day
Each day seems like a year
Fell so hard so fast
Guess I should've known it'd kick my ass

Not going out for a skirt
That I know
But the feeling's the same
I'm weak and lame

Like a junkie trying to kick
I try to avoid my scoring spots
But I see you on every corner
And hear you in my dreams

You've crawled inside my veins
And I'm still bleeding inside
Thought I'd found my wife
Instead I'm hating life

It Hurts Doesn't It?

Because before all the craziness of the last few years, he did this.

Won't Go Back

Got that call at 2 a.m.
My body telling my mind we're done again
Laid in bed for four hours wondering
Where did I go wrong.

Had taken me back to the sun
And now it's black again
Been here before it's nothing new
Thought I had an answer with you

But I know I don't want to die alone
Can't keep living this way
And if this one didn't get me out
The next one will

Maybe you'll be back
I hope it all gets better
I know for once it wasn't me
And I know it wasn't you

But sometimes that's not enough either
And the sitaution couldn't sustain
You've got too many clouds right now
To bank on such a faraway sun

It hurts like hell
To have been teased like this
To know that I could feel this way
And then have it taken away

I won't go back
To that shithole known as my head
I won't go back
To a permanant state of blackness in my bed

Gonna keep that door open
And maybe you'll find your way back
Put that bookmark in our chapter
And pray your pretty hands reach for the page

We Have Met The Enemy And They Is Us

Being confronted head-on by one's own character defects is never fun. I've come to realize that I don't always hear what people are saying. I've been told what to expect in a situation involving someone I care about and yet now that the exact thing I was told would happen have happened, I sit here in shock and feeling betrayed.

That this situation has nothing to do with me makes my mind and how I'm feeling and acting even more out of line with what is actually happening. I am hoping that perhaps by writing a little about it and seeing it on the page I'll come to terms with things and act appropriately.

My role right now is to sit back and do nothing. Offer support when asked, be there when needed. What it does not require is my attempts at contact to show that I'm there. This person knows I'm there, doesn't need me right now and quite frankly may not exactly have a desire to include me in her circle of trust with what is going on. I have to resist the urge to seek attention for doing what she wants, which by doing that is not doing what she wants. It is a tricky situation for sure and for the most part I do my job with it and just bore my friends to tears about it.

Am I wrong to feel a little hurt that after constant contact for two months that the fountain has dried up? No. But I have to understand that the current situation that this person is going through has nothing to do with me and is not something I can bring anything to except doing what she wants, which is to give her space and not put a show on about giving her space.

I am now going to try to do just that. I don't think my efforts until now have been bad or over the top but that said, it sets me up for hurt if I don't get a response I want and that is all about me and my unrealistic expectations. And, of course, I worry that something that has barely begun will end before it can get going and even if that happens, it had nothing to do with me.

Bottom line though is I don't listen very well. A while back I asked a girl out, she said yes but then clarified that she wasn't looking to date (she took it as a friendly thing). I went out anyway and, of course, persuaded myself that given time she'd fall to my charms and we'd be together. She didn't. Funny thing is, once I accepted that she became a lot warmer to me and now we're friends and hang out a lot and I don't have a real desire to date her, I just enjoy her company. I don't usually know what's best for myself and that was the case with with that example and it is the case now.

Writing all this out doesn't necessarily make me feel any better, to be honest, but it is a start. My part is to accept what I can't change, which is what she's dealing with and how she's dealing with it and what it means for me and change what I can, which is my attitude and perception of the situation and to stop making myself feel bad, which makes me no good to anyone.

It Has Nothing To Do With Me

But I'm fucked anyway.

Duane Reade Rules

If Duane Reade is going to take over this city (oh wait, they already have), I think they need to install a uniform policy that each store be laid out in the exact same fashion. I am fucking tired of walking into the one on 98th and Broadway and looking for toothpaste in the spot where it's kept at the one on 102nd and Broadway. And keep all the ATMs in the same place too. Nothing worse than running in there and not being able to locate the motherfucking machine. The one on 88th and Broadway is nearly imposible to find as is the one on 94th and Broadway...or is it 95th and Broadway.

If you are going to rule my life, at least do it in an orderly fashion.

Sitting Here Waiting In My Head

Been sitting here waiting on the phone
Just looking for a connection
Tell me I'm not alone

Been like this for years and years
Keep thinking the answer is coming
With a ring and the sound of you near

I'm looking for me in you
And that just won't do
I'm not eating and I can't catch my breath
Is this love or slow death?

I'm afraid to call you
That can't be right
If we're together it's true

Why can't I feel loose with you?
Want to think we're on the same page
Yet I always feel I'm chasing the blues

I want you near
Yet sometimes I live in fear
That you will decide to cast me aside
And keep on marching in stride

The hurt from this one will be too much to bear
But this can't be any way to be with someone
Second guessing every move, too much I care

313

Just got back from Detroit. My second visit in a little over two years but this time I spent more time in the city, downtown in particular. Was staying in Grosse Pointe, boarders Detroit. My old hometown is a disaster area. It's so sad. Burnt out buildings and abandoned houses everywhere. Really depressing.

Can only imagine what it will look like in a few more years.

Let Me

You say to let you be
While you cry in pain
I can't just do that
Not built that way

I know there isn't much to go on
Still too soon to know what's real
But don't cut me out before you see
What how I match your needs

Don't know how everything turned so fast
Had a feeling and just hope it will last
Don't want to walk on egg shells
While trying not to live in your past

You have to let me before you decide
Have to let me, for peace of mind
I don't want anything back
Just want to stand in your corner