Being confronted head-on by one's own character defects is never fun. I've come to realize that I don't always hear what people are saying. I've been told what to expect in a situation involving someone I care about and yet now that the exact thing I was told would happen have happened, I sit here in shock and feeling betrayed.
That this situation has nothing to do with me makes my mind and how I'm feeling and acting even more out of line with what is actually happening. I am hoping that perhaps by writing a little about it and seeing it on the page I'll come to terms with things and act appropriately.
My role right now is to sit back and do nothing. Offer support when asked, be there when needed. What it does not require is my attempts at contact to show that I'm there. This person knows I'm there, doesn't need me right now and quite frankly may not exactly have a desire to include me in her circle of trust with what is going on. I have to resist the urge to seek attention for doing what she wants, which by doing that is not doing what she wants. It is a tricky situation for sure and for the most part I do my job with it and just bore my friends to tears about it.
Am I wrong to feel a little hurt that after constant contact for two months that the fountain has dried up? No. But I have to understand that the current situation that this person is going through has nothing to do with me and is not something I can bring anything to except doing what she wants, which is to give her space and not put a show on about giving her space.
I am now going to try to do just that. I don't think my efforts until now have been bad or over the top but that said, it sets me up for hurt if I don't get a response I want and that is all about me and my unrealistic expectations. And, of course, I worry that something that has barely begun will end before it can get going and even if that happens, it had nothing to do with me.
Bottom line though is I don't listen very well. A while back I asked a girl out, she said yes but then clarified that she wasn't looking to date (she took it as a friendly thing). I went out anyway and, of course, persuaded myself that given time she'd fall to my charms and we'd be together. She didn't. Funny thing is, once I accepted that she became a lot warmer to me and now we're friends and hang out a lot and I don't have a real desire to date her, I just enjoy her company. I don't usually know what's best for myself and that was the case with with that example and it is the case now.
Writing all this out doesn't necessarily make me feel any better, to be honest, but it is a start. My part is to accept what I can't change, which is what she's dealing with and how she's dealing with it and what it means for me and change what I can, which is my attitude and perception of the situation and to stop making myself feel bad, which makes me no good to anyone.
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2 comments:
Wow. The uncharacteristic lack of clarity here leads me to believe that you don't know how to handle a relationship with someone who's in a crisis. Without knowing what the problem is, but having been though several serious problems in my own life, I can tell you this. DON'T focus on yourself. Don't dwell on the fact that the situation has put a monkey wrench in your plans for the two of you. In fact, you can strengthen your relationship if you handle yourself well. Of course it's not your fault (and don't act so surprised that it isn't). Just BE THERE. Call often but don't force an update each time you call. Offering a sense of normalcy is sometimes the best gift you can give someone who's in a real mess. Give them the sense that they have the opportunity but not the obligation to discuss the situation or ask for help. Take both your minds off the mess and you might just remain a welcome addition to that person's (and your own)day. There's nothing worse than having to update 9 people every damn day on whatever is amiss. Let go of the fact that this is not about you and give your friend the chance to enjoy hearing from you. I certainly do. Hope I haven't misread this but it's hard to know what's happening from what you wrote.
Howard
Howard, thanks but I did all that. OK. And yeah, I didn't provide a ton of specifics. I did the be there thing and I know it wasn't about me.
What I write here is HOW I FEEL, not what I expressed to the person. I tried to offer that sense of normalcy and in fact was praised by her for it. That said, the situation is such that SHE SAID it wasn't fair to me and has put us on what will hopefully not be a permanant hiatus but I fear will be.
I did not ask for nine updates a day. The truth is, she gave us one week while in the situation and decided that even though I was doing everything right by what she asked for and wanted, that she needed to focus ALL her attention on this sitaution and her other life. The fact that I am 3000 miles away didn't help matters.
I'm sorry if I seem like going off but this is a space where I get to put out what I'm feeling and how a situation is making me feel even if it isn't about me and I know it isn't.
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