W4M....

OK, so one of the subplots of last week's "Entourage" was a bet between E and Turtle as to who could get laid first. Looking to win quick, Drama convinces Turtle to hit Craig's List Casual Encounters to score. Turtle answers ad and the girl is a stunner. I won't spoil the twist except to say it didn't involve her having a penis.

But my hunch is that for those who haven't hit CL's CE section, they now will anticipate that like Turtle they'll answer one ad (oh, and the girl posted her phone number in the ad, yeah right) and hit the jackpot.

Let me paint a more realistic picture. First of all, most of the so-called women seeking men (W4M) on CL usually turn out to be guys who are so-called picture collectors. Don't ask me to explain, just think about it for a second.

If there is a woman there, odds are she wants to exchange something for the promise of a hook-up. Ski, X, whatever. Nothing is free or casual about it. None of this is said in a judging tone, just want to set the record straight.

Usually such an ad by an actual woman is placed in the evening, either early in the hopes of getting her night started right or late in the hopes of making a disappointing night a little more tolerable. Or they just really need to feed the beast inside of them telling them that this chemical will make everything else that is wrong go away. The same holds true for those answering the ads so don't go thinking I'm trying to be all above it all.

Anyhow, usually within seconds of said ad being place, the person who placed it is inundated with tons of responses. Most respondents ignore whatever the ad may be asking and go right into either their life story or a detailed description of why their anatomy will solve all of the advertiser's problems in life. I know this how? Well, for starters me and a female friend once placed an ad to see the response we'd get and I too have occasionally (in my dark past) answered CL CE ads. Because I was one of the few who didn't subscribe to either of these approaches, I would often at least get some initial response and when things went further would get the low down from the people I met about what types of responses they received. The best bet, if you must do this, is try to be clever and funny. If you show the slightest bit of wit you will move to the top of the list.

Most of the time, one doesn't get any responses from the person posting the ad. Sometimes it turns into a back and forth of emails, picture exchanges (here's a hint most women won't ask for a picture of it) while the clock ticks ever closer to daylight and when that hits and the last of the substances are starting to wear off, the last thing anyone wants to do is prolong the misery they're already in hunched over their computer hoping against hope that some savior is going to rescue them. And every now and then, the conversation moves from email to the phone and then in person and that's when it can get really interesting.

That brings me to the people I met. We all have our demons we battle and our issues and lord knows I have plenty. That said, lets just say my adventures could have served a b-roll material for Permanent Midnight. I went to one apartment where the host informed me we needed to be quiet because her daughter was asleep in the other room. I went to a project at 5th Avenue and 135th Street and hung out with two very nice girls and while we shared lots of things, it didn't turn into the orgy I was anticipating. That said, what the heck was I thinking heading over there at 4 a.m.? .There could've been anyone behind that door and anyone else's that I knocked on after a CL CE email dance.

Sometimes I hosted. That's a whole other game of risk. At least I have an intercom and a window to see what is at my door at 4:30 a.m. and whether there are four other people waiting to come in with her carrying led pipes. One highlight was the spiky haired blonde who preferred the injection method as a means of delivery. It was not pleasant to watch. Actually, it was really boring to watch. It took forever and made me wonder how heroin addicts put up with it. No wonder they're nodding off afterwards, it is hard and tedious work shooting up.

These are only the most memorable of my CL CE experiences and I'm not doing them justice here.

I realize that TV has to take short cuts. and while I think it'd be pretty funny to show Drama and Turtle enduring a more realistic CL CE experience, that wouldn't be the Hollywood ending everyone wants.

Speaking of Hollywood endings, I also had two very great experiences off of CL CE so I can't say that the system doesn't sometimes work. But those instances are too few and far between to be judged as anything but dumb luck. Of course, as Bukowski would say, "that counts too!"