Biff Lowman Checking In

So I got home last night and there was a message from my Dad wanting to have dinner with me tonight or tomorrow night. I don't go into this shit a whole lot but I don't really have much of a relationship with my Dad. I have a lot of anger in me about things that happened a long time ago that I have held on to all this time. I called back and left him a message saying neither Monday or Tuesday were good for me.

Mind you, my Dad lives two blocks away and I haven't seen him in at least three months. That ought to tell you all you need to know.

Anyway, this morning my phone rings while I'm getting ready for work. Normally I wouldn't even be home at that time because I'd be at the gym but I slept in which I am beating myself up over.

I don't know about you, but I don't like it when my phone rings in the morning. It's never good news. Normally I wouldn't even answer it because anyone who knows me knows I'm not around usually at that time of day. But I answered it and it was my father (what did I say about anyone who knows me...). He didn't listen to my message, just saw I had called so I reiterated that I was not available for dinner either tonight or Tuesday. It's not a complete lie. I'm not available Tuesday and I don't want to be available tonight.

So we hung up and I was furious. I have this rage towards him that I have to let go of or deal with or it will take me down. It won't take him down, unless I take him down, but it will destroy me. I started screaming in my apartment. "Motherfucker, I don't want dinner with you." "Don't call me in the morning, never call me in the morning fucker..." You get the idea. The cats were not amused. As I said, I was already in a pissy mood from not getting up at 5:30 to run and go to the gym and whenever I hear from my father I just get hot. I want to destroy things, I want to smash things up.

I did something un-Rambler like. I called one of my brothers and basically said I can't go on like this and what do I do. How do I move past it. I don't reach out but I recognize that I'm in a danger zone here. People who know me know anger is not a luxury I can afford. I am never going to cut my father off. That's not going to happen. For starters, I'd have to return the small amount of money I've been given from him over the years. I consider it reparations, but nonetheless, I took it. Secondly, if don't make some sort of peace with this soon it'll be with me forever. Once he's gone, if I'm not at a good place with all this, it will be all the harder to move on.

I'm not going to go into what a bad father he was. I'm 42 and I'm still carrying my hurt and anger and rage but he's not. It doesn't make him feel bad that I'm screaming at the walls after we hang up the phone. The truth is, my Dad stopped being a jackass by the time I was finishing high school (primarily because once my parents divorced everyone calmed down).

But I have problems realizing he's not that person anymore. I'd rather take the poison and wait for him to die.

I can't do that anymore. That I reached out to my brother and some other folks and didn't let this crap eat at me is a start. Putting on this stupid thing is a start. That's all I've got right now, a start.