One More Before I Shut Out The Lights

That could mean so many things. It could mean one more visit to the bad side of the Internet. It could mean one more swig of gatorade to take care of my dehydration from the cheese steak and fries I had for dinner. It could mean one more attempt at a bowel movement.

In this case it means one more post. I was hoping to resume my attempts at fiction tonight but I couldn't seem to get a good vibe going. Instead I wrote about the folks. I don't know why, just figured I wanted to get something out there and that maybe if I got going I'd be inspired on the fiction front but it just didn't happen.

Might be the weather. While I'm glad to report that it is cold and my closet of pullovers are ready for action, I feel a chill. The first cold night always does this. I miss my smokes on a night like this. I miss a lot of things on a night like this. I miss the escape. I miss the edge. I miss going into the darkness and hiding there until the sun comes up.

But I've been there and done that. I know how that story turns out. Lots of people will tell you once they started they didn't know how it would end. I always knew how it would end. The only question was would I still be there or would I end too. I know, that sounds like some mellow dramatic shit and maybe it is, but that's how it was. There were no surprises. Love did not appear at the end of the night. That one who was going to save me was nowhere to be found no matter how much I spent or bled.

That doesn't mean that there aren't nights where the past I'm told not to regret doesn't have its appeal. The thing is I also know that there is light after the darkness fades. I know tomorrow when I'm up and running at 7:30 a.m. I will be grateful for what I didn't do, grateful that I avoided watching that rerun again. But if I can find a way to turn that rerun and all the other stuff floating around my brain into something positive than all the better. And if I can't and the best I can do is occasionally babble about all sorts of stuff here than that is OK too.

I'll get back to the noir tomorrow. Now I have tomorrows.