Like a cable network trying to figure out what demographic to cater to, I struggle with this fucking blog. Half the time I fear I'm becoming the Lifetime channel for men. Then sometimes I try to go a little Spike and worry about chasing off the few female readers I have--some of whom I know, some of whom I don't. Some, by the way, is a weird word to use when we're talking about a number that is in single digits.
I'm trying to find a voice and figure out what to do with it and part of that is acknowledging who I am, which is basically a guy who used to be on the road to ending up like Jonathan Fuerst (look it up, I'm too tired to explain) and for now isn't. That said, I'm also a guy who watches too much porn, has a bit of mean streak, and when I'm not all caught up in "feelings aren't facts" mode, just likes to bitch about shit. It's a way to blow off steam, nothing more.
I think that guy needs to come out more. The guy who can talk to you for twenty minutes about the subtle differences between You Porn and Megarotica. I'm the guy who always takes the conversation one line further than it should have gone. Why am I running from him?
So with that in mind, I'm going to try to bring a little more of me into this instead of it trying to be what I think the perception of me is or what I want the perception of me is. Screw it, I'm a 42 year-old never been married guy with a lot of bad habits, a little bit of charm, a cynical attitude and problems with relationships and family...except for my cats. There are worse lots in life.
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4 comments:
My favorite entry to date. I think you might have something with this new "theory."
Dear Mr. Lifetime for Men Channel,
hey... You seem to balance it all very well with the occasional boring sports post or movie review.
Find your voice? Shut up. You DO have a voice, Rambler, it's coded into your DNA, and developed over years, through the things which you have experienced and that which has experienced you. You have grown your voice, and it ain't that easy to get away from it, though you may be a gifted actor or impersonator... People who don't know you, like me, get a feel for who you really are, not just from what you write but your style and our own intuition. SO you've got something, and you just need to get comfortable with it and take it from there, Roy. Ditch the things which have brought you to a place of emotional stuntedness. As you know, you don't need to live a "Fuerst" live any longer. You gotta love the Rambler. Set yourself free. You are a fine mixture of everything good and bad and you have to just trust God and leave it alone!
I YAM WHAT I YAM.
You can't escape being right where you are, because until you get to a place of change, you are stuck with what you've got and that's the beauty of growth. If you were to look back into your childhood, and asked yourself to speak with the maturity of a man, it would have been senseless babble. My suggestion is that you get some soup. And maybe watch 'The Poseiden Adventure' again. Tap into the hope of Maureen Mcgovern. Forget Axl Rose.
This blog will help you to dissolve or peel away the pretense,
enjoy your various moods and shifts and impersonations. We know who you REALLY ARE. :)
we're a complex lot. I think we all have these multi-faceted personalities. I applaud your vocal introspection.
Me? I'm paranoid.
I'm afraid to admit to my "defects of character" online. I gotta keep the mask on.
So be it Lifetime for Men or Spike (as long as you don't go all ESPN on us) your blog is a great read.
The Fuerst existence? I like it! I mean, not the carnal knowledge, of course, but the play on words there is perfect. PERFECT.
Yeah, the more you practice using you're own voice, if that's what you really want, and not a conglomeration of a number of characters which suit your given mood, as long as you have a baseline with your name on it, for when you are just not into expending the energy, you are doing fine. I have a friend who is constantly trying out various personas, constantly joking, and I am eager to see him in a relaxed mode.
Take it easy on yourself, Rambler.
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