Every family has some sponge or barnacle of a relative who always seems to show up, mooch and then disappear for a few years. You either have one or you are one. In my family, it's cousin Roni.
Roni, an Israeli, first appeared out of nowhere in 1976 when we lived in New Jersey. One night there was a knock on our door and this big, bearded guy was out there with a bunch of bags. Now maybe there was advance word of his arrival, but it certainly never trickled down to me. My family was like that. Information was given on a need-to-know basis and I guess having a freak cousin from Isreal visit and stay for awhile was not considered necessary knowledge for my day-to-day existence.
Ever since then, Roni resurfaces every few years. He always finds the most annoying time to reappear, like the time I was taking a dump and the phone rang and I went to answer it (probably thought it was a date or a dealer) only to be greeted by that annoying accent and the notice that he'd be in town soon. That's great Roni, can I finish my shit now?
My father treats him like the son he never had even though they're only second cousins. It's kind of funny, my parents were not exactly ideal as far as the whole parenting thing goes, but with Roni and Mary (the Vietnamese refugee we took in that I keep promising to write about) it was mi casa es su casa. Perhaps my parents just had trouble loving anything they created, but had no problem showing warmth and affection for anyone who happened to stumble by our front door who needed a meal or a dollar.
Obviously I've got a lot of anger issues to work out etc. I bring up cousin Roni because I just got word he'll be at Thanksgiving. I've actually been looking forward to Thanksgiving and now I don't want to go. Roni tends to dominate whatever room he is in (aren't all freeloaders like that?) and between him, my dad and one of my louder brothers, there is a good chance this will be one trying holiday.
I know my real problem is not Roni, but how my parents and father in particular treat him verses how they treated their own flesh and blood. Unfortunately, my folks are somewhat dense on this subject. My mom gets it a little bit, but not completely and dad is just fucking oblivious.
And for those out there who will suggest a certain step approach to this, I've done it and this is still where I'm at. Sometimes the best cure is just to vent about someone and get it the fuck out of your system that way. My part in this is that I sometimes get stuck in all this shit and forget that I need to rise above it. There's a lot of shit in my past that I do have a part in, but cousin Roni isn't one of them. What I need to do is let it go.
But sometimes, even 30 years later, this stuff is hard to let go of, especially when I'm the type who used to believe that it was my anger, rage, hurt and sense that "I am right" that kept me together through a lot of crap. I know now that is not the case.
Knowing it and moving past it, however, are two different things.
3 comments:
Family crap is the worst. I don't think a million years of step work would aleviate that 10-ton weight from my chest.
"Perhaps my parents just had trouble loving anything they created, but had no problem showing warmth and affection for anyone who happened to stumble by our front door who needed a meal or a dollar."
BINGO! I think we have the same parents. I just can't seem to get passed my Dad playing with all of my cousins when we were young, having a great time. He never played with us..its was more his telling us to get away from him.
I'd look at my cousins and just be like...ew. How can you STAND HIM.
"What? Uncle Mike? He's the BEST!"
I swear its the weirdest feeling in the world...everyone thinks my father is the second-coming, but we can't stand him!
He is still closer to them than to us. Maybe he just can't bear to face the psychological mess he made? We're one f*cked up bunch but damned good-looking...at least we've got that going for us.
Happy Thanksgiving! Ain't the holidays a blast?
Sad. Ouch. We do expect so much of our parents. Seems like simple love ought to come easy. It won't if you've never really bonded... Things only get worse as the memories pile up. Nasty words. Sometimes it's easier to love strangers since it's just superficial and nothing is really expected or owed. No doubt,parenting forces a person to either deal with or ignore issues of resentment and anger concerning one's own parents. It would be interesting to get a perspective from various fathers on how they perceive love from their offspring. Some of us would say " I don't really care what my dad perceives from me...he is a hurtful SOB", but giving your father a sense of being loved is the beginning of healing his own painful memories of not being loved by his dad. Get to the root of the matter. These things are generational. Your ability to feel and express love comes from having a connection with dad from early on. It is difficult to reach out to a man who has hurt you so deeply, but by coming to see your father as damaged from a very early age, emotionally crippled by the curse ..that he never received the blessing from his own dad, and by seeing in him, your own tendancy or potential to withhold love or maybe an inability to feel love, of course i don't really know you but for those who have father issues, you can take steps to change the situation without being a phony. There is a book called " The GIft of Honor and The Gift Of blessing" by Gary Smalley and John Trent, course i never read it but it's there on the shelf. Ang your dad was always like an uncle to me which is why I couldn't get why you had issues with him. NOw I know, that what we had was SUPERficial.
If the guy would quit insulting me every chance he gets it would be easier to move on from the feelings, but...he keeps the past alive with his constant comments. He LOVES to tell anyone he can that I'm in AA -
HELLO! ANONYMOUS! He always has to make comments on my marriages, blah blah...
Its embarrassing. Geez, can we chat about something from THIS DECADE?
Sorry to ramble, rambler.
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