Today, in one of my more desperate attempts to read the newspaper without being distracted by my wandering mind, I decided to ride the 1 train down to South Ferry and then all the way back up to 103rd Street. I love to read on the Subway (the train, not the chain Angelissima). It is the only place where I can truly focus other than the shower (yes, I read the paper in the shower).
The reason for this is because I can't stay in my own skin. I have a very hard time sitting still. It's getting better but still a struggle. I get easily distracted or I distract myself. But if I'm in an environment where I can't do anything else and I am forced to be in the moment I'm living in rather than thinking about the next moment or regretting the past moment, I can concentrate.
That's the case on the train, especially on a weekend afternoon. So I did get most of the papers read (still have some sections to get through) and had some level of serenity.
Still, I really do need to figure out how I can get to that place where I can sit still and shut down my mind. Probably be another few years, if I'm lucky but if I do get there, it'll be the greatest gift. It sucks to not be able to ever relax. It really does.
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Oh Lord I hate that feeling.
Racing Thoughts.
Gnawing, twisted, like chinese water torture - can't seem to shake 'em thoughts. Mind wandering all over the place, can't keep your focus on any particular thing.
A big part of my career in self-medication was to turn off my mind.
Now I take pills for it...and feel numb and blank but still have problems focusing and obsessing. Not sure which is worse.
Before the pills and after quitting the substances I would exercise like a mad-woman to help with the thoughts and the endorphin high. Sounds like you do this already.
Talking to people face-to-face is helpful. Getting out of yourself for awhile. Unless you hate people (like I do) then its a problem.
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